


Nostalgia | Jilix

by jsscallopedpotatoes



Series: SKZ COLLEGE AU [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3RACHA besties, Alternate Universe - College/University, Childhood Friends, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Crying, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Han Jisung | Han is a Confident Gay, Han Jisung | Han is a Ray of Sunshine, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Jealous Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Jilix is the main ship, Jisung is also babie tho, Kinda?, Lee Felix is Bad at Feelings (Stray Kids), Lee Felix-centric (Stray Kids), Multi, My First Work in This Fandom, OT8, Slow Burn, Soft Lee Felix (Stray Kids), What's new, and Twice, and they were ROOMMATES, edgy!jisung, got7 is there too, jackson wang appears as a party host, no beta we die like men, so much crying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 43,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28831068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jsscallopedpotatoes/pseuds/jsscallopedpotatoes
Summary: Felix and Jisung had been close ever since they met at age six, being sorted into the same class in elementary school. They shared food, thoughts, passions, and most importantly, their childish and carefree love for each other. But all good things come to an end, usually when high school starts and friends part. What Felix didn't excpect, though, was to see Jisung again a few years later on his first day of college. What he expected even less was the way Jisung had changed.inspired by ATL's Last Young Renegade album and Line Without a Hook by Ricky Montgomery
Relationships: Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin
Series: SKZ COLLEGE AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2146851
Comments: 66
Kudos: 159





	1. prologue (Jisung falls and gets hurt)

**Author's Note:**

> hi, glad to have you here! 
> 
> short chenle & eric mention in the prologue, and felix goes by yongbok, but only in this chapter!
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading!

Yongbok held on to his mother’s hand tightly. He didn’t want her to leave yet, no matter how excited he was for the first day of school. Letting go would mean being alone. He was scared that maybe his knees would buckle, and he would fall on the floor paralyzed as soon as his mom left the room. He other kids were already in the classroom, running around and yelling while a bunch of adults were talking to each other in the corner. One of them excused herself and came over. “Mrs. Lee!” she exclaimed excitedly. “How wonderful to see you! I bet this cool boy here is Yongbok, huh?”

Yongbok gave her a timid nod. His mother crouched down next to him. “I gotta go home to your little sister, sweetie, but I promise you’re going to have a good time. Miss Cho is going to take good care of you, okay? I’ll pick you up right after school.”

“Okay,” he said softly. His mom patted him on the head and smiled at Miss Cho before walking off, her leather bag bouncing against her hip rhythmically. 

“So, Yongbok,” Miss Cho said. “Shall we?”

She took him into the classroom and introduced him to a boy named Chenle, who was busy talking to a teenage intern while sipping on a carton of chocolate milk. “…and this is my daughter. She helps out around here. I’m sure you’ll get along just fine. Come to me if you need anything, yeah?”

“Are you Yongbok?” Chenle asked, speech a little slurred around his straw. “My mom said I had to look for you because she knows your mom.”

Yongbok nodded, fidgeting with the strings on his bag. Chenle seemed nice.

“What’s your favorite dinosaur?” Chenle asked again. His Korean was a bit wonky, accented maybe. “Mine is the Carcharodontosaurus because it’s even bigger and stronger than the T-Rex! Did you know that dinosaurs actually had feathers? I know that because my dad bought me a book about dinosaurs for my birthday. I’m actually only five, but I’m allowed to go to school already. You’re quiet. Do you not talk?” 

“I do,” Yongbok said with a frown. “I just don’t know what my favorite dinosaur is. I never really thought about it. Are you from Korea?”

“No,” he said. “My mom and dad are from China but we moved here. Your Korean is good. But have you decided yet what your favorite dinosaur is?” 

Yongbok hummed. “Maybe… I think my favorite is the Elasmosaurus because it looks funny and it swims.”

\- - - - - - - -

It was sunny outside, and Yongbok was glad they got to go to the playground during recess. Before, when they’d eaten in class, he’d shared cookies with Chenle, and now they were standing at the sidelines of the football cage across from the playground. A bunch of kids were wrapped up in a game, and Chenle was busy egging one of the girls on—his neighbor, as he’d told Yongbok. 

Throughout recess, he managed to befriend another boy named Eric, who had passionately told Yongbok about Korean baseball players. Eric was nice, he decided, just like Chenle. The rest of the day, the three of them stuck together like Velcro, only being brutally ripped apart when Chenle tried to eat grass at the end of recess and had to get picked up by his mom because he was throwing up. Then, it was just Eric and Yongbok. They still had a fun time, though. And that was how his first day at school was: definitely more fun than he’d expected. 

\- - - - - - - -

The next day, he couldn’t wait to go to school again. They’d be starting with Korean, and he was excited. He couldn’t wait to write his first flawless letter to his grandparents. What he was looking forward to even more, though, was physical education. His older sister was always complaining about PE, but for him it was just another reason to love school. Why wouldn’t he love running around and playing sports for an hour or so?

It turned out that PE was, indeed, the highlight of the day. The entire class was ushered into the gymnasium by Miss Cho, who then proceeded to explain that they were going to use the big colored parachute. Yongbok ended up between Eric and another boy that hadn’t introduced himself yet. 

Recess that day was spent in the schoolyard. Yongbok, Eric, and Chenle went to climb the jungle gym. It was high, and the metal was hot. Despite that, they made it to the very top, and sat there while Eric and Chenle jokingly pushed each other around. A fourth, smaller boy was climbing up. Yongbok recognized him as the boy that was next to him during PE. The boy stretched his arms up all the way, trying to reach the next bar. A single misstep, and he tumbled right down to the ground.

The boy started crying, and Eric and Chenle stopped pushing each other. Yongbok was the first of them to jump down the jungle gym, landing on the tiles and running to the crying boy. “Are you okay?” he asked.

The boy looked up at him with big, teary eyes. His face was a little puffy and round.

“I’ll get Miss Cho!” Chenle yelled, sprinting off with Eric in tow. 

“I’m okay,” the little boy said, though the scrapes on his hands and knees begged to differ. Not knowing what to do, Yongbok just patted him on the head. 

“Jisung!” Miss Cho called, rushing over after Chenle and Eric. “Oh no, are you okay?”

The boy—Jisung, nodded softly, but he winced when he tried to stand up. Miss Cho sighed and said, “Yongbok, can you please take him inside to my daughter? She’ll   
take care of his scrapes, but I need to stay with the other kids right now.”

“Okay,” Yongbok said, jumping up and down on the spot a few times. Jisung stood up and limped after him as they went into the building.

Miss Cho’s daughter—Ahyoung, was busy cleaning tables in the classroom. “Noona!” Yongbok yelled. “Jisung fell from the jungle gym!” 

Ahyoung looked up, scanning over Jisung’s knees and hands. “Oh sweetie,” she said, “Come, we’ll get you cleaned up.”

She gently rinsed Jisung’s hands and gave Yongbok a wet paper towel to dab the blood off his knees, which he did as gently as possible. A few band-aids were placed over his knees, and then Jisung was all done. Recess was almost over, so they stayed inside, where Ahyoung let them help clean the last few tables. 

“Thank you,” Jisung said to Yongbok as the other kids started streaming in. “But what’s your name?”

“I’m Yongbok,” Yongbok said with a bright smile, that Jisung returned. “Do you wanna be friends?”


	2. CHAPTER 1 (In which Felix doesn't deserve this)

“Fuck,” Felix whispered as he looked at the books scattered on the floor. The guy that bumped into him was already speeding away, obviously having somewhere to be. With a sigh, he crouched down and started gathering the books, dusting them off and checking for damage. A quick glance at his watch told him that he had five more minutes to get to his lecture. Rushing through the hallways, he tried to find his way in the unfamiliar environment, until he finally arrived in the lecture hall just as the professor was about to start her presentation.

The lecture itself was interesting, he had to admit. A good thing, Felix thought, because it would be kind of shitty if he went to college only to find out his major was boring. With stiff legs from sitting still and a sore hand from writing, Felix took it upon himself to go to the library. He had two hours before his seminar started at one o’clock, so he wanted to look at the library and also get some lunch.

The library was impressive, to say the least. It had many floors connected by stairs that you could see when looking up, standing in the small courtyard. It was huge, and Felix wondered if he’d ever find his way around. In the end though, he settled at a table on the second floor, near the section ‘historical literature’ and just next to the stairs. 

The library filled up with students around eleven fifteen, and very soon, a young man tapped Felix’s table to get his attention. “Excuse me,” he said. “Do you mind if I sit here for a while?”

Felix looked up, surprised to find a man in all-black with a few brown curls escaping from under his snapback. “Uh,” he stuttered, “Yeah, sure. Go ahead.”

“Cool, thanks.” He smacked his pile of books down on the table and sat down. On the top book, Felix could make out the text ‘advanced music theory’. He couldn’t help but steal a glance at his notebook too, which was filled with scribbles and larger blocks of text. The man caught Felix’s gaze and winked with a small grin before lifting his headphones and returning his attention to his laptop. Felix’s cheeks heated up, and he quickly turned back to his own books. Just twenty more minutes, then he’d go and get lunch.

After maybe a good ten minutes of reading through several books and pamphlets, Felix heard a loud smack and an exhausted sigh. His head snapped up, meeting eyes with another young man leaning on the table, who had seemingly come to meet up with the music student at his table. He frowned at Felix and turned to the music student.

“Yo, Chan,” he said in a gravelly voice, yanking the music student’s—no, Chan’s—headphones off of his head. “Who’s this? You already got a fling on the first day this year? So much for focusing on studies.”

“You can’t just ask that!” Chan hissed. “He was already sitting here when I arrived. Have some fucking manners.”

The dude’s eyes widened, and he looked at Felix somewhat apologetically. He just looked down at his books again while the guy sat down next to Chan. “I befriended this newbie here, his name’s Han or something. He’s going to be here soon,” he said to Chan. “He just had to take a piss.”

“You could’ve spared me that little detail, Changbin, but that sounds nice,” Chan said. “Did you get that one song done over summer or what?”

After deciding that their conversation no longer interested him (and also feeling kinda bad for eavesdropping), Felix decided to pack up his stuff, messily shoving his books and laptop into a canvas bag. Just as he was about to get up, his vision was suddenly filled by something large and dark red—a hoodie, he realized.

Felix’s eyes slowly trailed upwards, past the hoodie’s neckline, all the way up to the owner’s face. An awfully familiar face. One with large eyes and chubby cheeks. He’d recognize him anywhere and anytime. “Jisung?” he asked, expecting him to look down and greet him back.

He just ignored Felix though, calmly taking out his earphones and giving Changbin a high-five across the table. His eyes flickered over Chan and Felix for a second, lingering on Felix just for a moment too long before he just sat down. The chains on his black jeans made a funny sound against the plastic chair. With his jaw half-slack, Felix stared at his side profile. Jisung had changed (duh). His eyes were adorned with a thin line of eyeliner and those were definitely real earrings. 

He looked at Felix for a second, furrowing his brows as if to ask what the fuck he was staring at. Felix opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again when he felt his breath get stuck in his throat. Lowering his gaze, he just stood up and walked away, trying to ignore the feeling of tears stinging in his eyes.

\- - - - - - - -

The cafeteria was positively crowded. Felix’s fist clenched around his overpriced sandwich wrapped in cellophane. Finally, he spotted an empty table. Maybe, if he were fast enough, he could—never mind. A boy with long blonde hair had already sat down. With a sigh, Felix concluded that all the other tables were taken by people that looked significantly more threatening than the boy. How could someone look threatening in a white tracksuit and a little ponytail, after all?

When Felix awkwardly gestured to one of the chairs, the boy just gave him a bright smile and nodded. He seemed too busy eating his soup to even care about Felix’s presence. Speaking of his soup—it smelled really good, especially next to Felix’s squished and sad sandwich. Still, he unwrapped it and took the first bite. The cheese was plastic-y, and the egg somehow didn’t taste like egg.

“You should’ve gotten the soup,” the boy said, catching Felix’s attention. “It’s much better than those limp sandwiches.”

“Yeah, I see that now,” he responded. “But it’s okay. I’m not that hungry anyways.”

“Hmm,” the other hummed, clearly not planning to shut up. “Are you new? I don’t think I’ve seen you before, and I know like…everyone here.”

“I’m a first-year student, yes,” he fumbled with the cellophane. “Dance department.”

“Ah. Nice. I’m a second-year dance student.”

“Cool,” came Felix’s dry answer.

“Age-wise I’m supposed to be first year, but I graduated early,” he continued. “That’s how bad my high school wanted to get rid of me, I guess. The name’s Hyunjin, by the way. You seem to be a bit alone, do you not have friends that came here too?”

“Well,” Felix hesitated, thinking about Jisung. “No, I…I’m alone. I mean, one of my old friends is here too, but we don’t talk anymore.”

“That sucks,” Hyunjin said, stirring his soup before blowing softly to cool it down. “Well, if you ever need someone, you can find me either here, in the library, or somewhere in a dance studio. Unless I have lectures of course.”

“Thanks,” Felix choked out. He wanted to beat himself up for the returning stinging behind your eyes. “That’s genuinely nice of you, but I have to go”—he sniffed—“I have a seminar now.” 

“Sure. I’ll see you around…”  
“Felix.”

“Felix. It was nice meeting you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! more chapters will be up soon <3


	3. CHAPTER 2 (in which Jisung is mean)

By the end of the day, Felix still hadn’t quite been able to shake off his odd encounter with Jisung. He was lying on his dorm bed, roommates still somewhere out there. To be fair, it was still relatively early. With a groan, Felix sat up, mullet sticking to the back of his neck due to the sweat there. Maybe he shouldn’t have flopped down on his bed immediately after coming back from a two-hour dance session. With aching limbs, he dragged himself into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

Warm water eases out your muscles, so take a hot shower after training. That’s what his old dance instructor had always told him back home. So there he stood, hair drenched and warm water running pleasantly down his back. His shampoo smelled nice; he’d just gotten a new one with some kind of flower extract in it. Technically a women’s shampoo, but he had decided against caring. 

As he left the bathroom, Felix noticed an alarming lack of food in his stomach, which made itself known by a gurgling sounds cutting through the silent dorm. With a whispered curse, he opened the fridge, just in time to hear the dorm door being opened as well.

“I swear, if you make a comment like that one more time, Han, I’m going to tear my own hair out,” an annoyed voice rang from the hall. Felix froze. Han? Surely, it would be a different Han. There were so many people named Han in South-Korea that it’d be very unlikely-

“Look, all I’m saying is that if you want to live with me in a dorm, you have to put up with the mess I’m able to make. Let’s hope our other roommate is a bit more tolerant.”

Nope. It was him, and Felix was so screwed. He slammed the fridge closed, hunger suddenly gone. He straightened his back just in time to look Han Jisung straight in the eyes. They stared at each other for a full three seconds, until the third boy announced his presence by loudly slamming a bag with takeout on the table.  
“Guys, I really don’t want to ruin your fun here, but if you’re gonna spend all night making love eyes at each other, I’ll eat all of the tteokbokki by myself.”

\- - - - - - - -

Felix looked at his chopsticks, slowly stirring the rice cakes in front of him. Thank God the other guy—Seungmin, apparently—had been so nice to offer him a plate of tteokbokki too. It was just a tad bit too spicy for him, but it was better than to go out and get something else for himself. 

Jisung sat across the table from him, stuffing his cheeks with food. Just like he used to when they were kids—no, Felix told himself off. There was no reason for reminiscence, not after how cold Jisung was being.

“Are you guys okay?” Seungmin asked, after a while of excruciating silence.

“Just tired,” Jisung responded, but Felix could tell something else was off by the way his leg was bouncing rapidly. 

“Yeah, me too,” he decided to say. “I danced all afternoon.”

Seungmin just hummed, obviously not very convinced. “Well then, make sure to go to sleep early.”

\- - - - - - - -

The next morning was even worse. Felix woke up early: maybe around five o’clock. That was on him for following Seungmin’s advice and going to sleep early even though he wasn’t tired at all. On the other side of the wall, he can hear Jisung tossing and turning. (Curse the paper-thin walls.) He assumed that it was because the other was awake, possibly with the same reason as Felix. However, there was a darker possibility gnawing away at the back of his mind. When they were kids, Jisung used to sleep with a nightlight on because of his persistent nightmares. God forbid that was still the case. Either way, Felix turned around under his duvet and buried his face in his pillow. It smelled weird; too new and clean and not at all the way a pillow was supposed to smell (warm and fresh—like home).

He finally got out of bed at six thirty, dragging himself through the dorm into their small kitchen. When Seungmin and Jisung went shopping the day before, they’d brought a box of cereal and milk. Felix had barely been there one day, and he was already dependent on someone else, he thought with a bit of aversion. He should also do things for them sometime. 

Felix was calmly spooning some more cornflakes into his mouth when he heard footsteps pat through the room. Looking up, he locked eyes with Jisung. It was quite a sight. Jisung was wearing bright blue shorts that contrasted strikingly with his tan skin, and he was carrying a set of towels and a washcloth. There was something else though that Felix couldn’t help but notice. Jisung’s eyes were wide, panicked almost, and when Felix awkwardly looked down, he could’ve sworn he’d seen the outline of the other’s ribs protruding from his chest.

Scrambling to cover up, Jisung threw his towel around his shoulders, making sure to cover everything from his neck down to his forearms, which he was scratching through the fluffy towel. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “Didn’t think you were awake yet.”

Felix couldn’t help but look back into Jisung’s eyes, which were now trained on the floor. Despite the obvious bad condition of his roommate, a smile tugged at his lips when Jisung spoke directly to him for the first time in years. “It’s okay Jisung. I’m glad to see you agai—”

The dorm door slammed shut, and Felix was left alone in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya <3 
> 
> i hope you're having a wonderful day, even though the world is a mess right now :|
> 
> n e ways, don't forget to eat, drink water, and sleep plenty!
> 
> if you wanna follow me on insta, my handle is @catbastard.exe
> 
> xx


	4. CHAPTER 3 (in which a girl appears)

Felix tried to deal with living in a dorm alongside his suddenly distant and cold childhood friend. He really did. He even attempted to talk to Jisung a few times, which backfired of course when the other only replied with short, blunt answers. Their dorm was pretty big too, with their own little kitchen-slash-living room and three tiny bedrooms, so Jisung even managed to avoid Felix when they were in the dorm.

But it was fine. It was all okay. That was what Felix convinced himself of. Maybe they’d just drifted apart, or maybe Jisung really had as much studying to do as he claimed. After all, he too had signed up for the beyond arts student association. Stories had already been going around about a competition between colleges all across the country.

It all went by smoothly. Felix learned that Seungmin was just a bit younger than him, and a photography student, and that he befriended Jisung when they had been moving their stuff into the dorm just a day before Felix had. He noticed that Jisung had started working out a minimum of three times a week, and every time he would come back with tousled hair and sweaty skin. He found out that there weren’t many dance majors, but that almost all of them were nice. Sometimes, the second years would join a dance practice, and it seemed that everyone looked up to Hyunjin and this other guy named Minho.

It was all okay. That is, until autumn started. Felix and Jisung both hadn’t really celebrated their birthdays, apart from maybe treating themselves to an extra cookie in the cafeteria and rushed congratulations in the hallways. On Seungmin’s birthday, the day autumn came along, they didn’t celebrate either. They were all too busy studying. Of course Felix had trouble with the theoretical part; it was hard to remember the origins of different dance styles, let alone explain how they merged and evolved over the years, using African folk dance as a foothold for hip hop’s roots. 

But that wasn’t the thing that bothered him about autumn. He actually found hip hop quite interesting to learn about. It wasn’t the fact that the tress started changing color either, which resulted in Seungmin going outside more to take pictures. It wasn’t all of that. It was Jisung. (Of course it was him. It was always Jisung.)

\- - - - - - - -

The autumn cold starts to set in early that year, and Felix can’t help but wrap himself up in a blanket to read his theory on the couch. It’s warmest there, in the corner, next to the heater. The history of classical ballet. Giselle. Louis XIV. Blah blah blah… he yawns. There’s a bleep as the door is unlocked, and someone breaks out in a fit of giggles.

A girl.

Felix suddenly feels more than awake. He stands up and shuffles across the floor in his blanket, just in time to see Jisung pull a girl into his bedroom. A flash of black hair, and the door is slammed shut. He feels a blush rise up his cheeks, but he can’t tell why.

Back on the couch, he takes notice of his racing heartbeat. Hushed voices come from Jisung’s room, and a thud announces a possible lack of clothes, and—Felix slams his book down on the floor. He presses his earphones into his ears just a bit too hard, and tries desperately to block out the lump rising in his throat. Loud music, yeah, that should solve his problems, for now. 

He leaves the apartment barely a minute later, the girl’s giggles still not leaving the back of his mind. He doesn’t know why it bothers him. Jisung’s an adult now, he can hook up with girls. Of course he can, so why does Felix’s chest feel so hollow? 

Felix tries to dance it off, just like he used to when he was a kid. His jeans and sweater aren’t suitable at all for dancing, but he had to get out of that dorm as quickly as possible. Halfway through a pretty intense choreography, he just took off his sweater and slung it into a corner. Just like—no. He couldn’t think about that right now. Felix forced himself to focus on footwork, arm extensions, five, six, seven, eight. And again, one, two, three…

“Flaunting your abs?” a teasing voice comes from the doorway. Felix paused to catch his breath, and turned around.

“What’re you doing here, hyung?” he asked Minho, who was leaning against the wall. 

“I’ve come to dance, obviously. What are you working on?”

\- - - - - - - -

They danced for thirty minutes, after which Felix excused himself, with reason. He had another seminar that day, and he couldn’t show up drenched in sweat. Minho had let him go, but not before forcing him to put on his sweater again.

It was cold when Felix entered the dorm. Jisung was sitting on the couch with the girl on his lap. She was laughing into his torso, shoulders shaking. 

“Hi Felix!” Jisung said brightly. He seemed dazed and happy; Felix noted. 

“Hi,” he returned, observing the slight blush that coated the other’s puffy cheeks. 

The girl slid off of Jisung’s thighs and sat next to him. “Hi Felix,” she giggled. “I’m Kali, Jisung’s—” she coughed out a laugh “—Jisung’s rap couch.”

Felix blinked at the two. He couldn’t force himself to match their jolliness. 

“Inside joke,” Jisung said, pushing Kali’s shoulder.

She was undeniably pretty, beaded braids and glowing skin and all, but Felix still had this inexplicable hollow feeling in his chest when he thought of her. This was going to be a long season.

“Alright,” he muttered. “I’m gonna go shower and then I have a seminar.”

\- - - - - - - -

If there was one person he didn’t expect to see at the seminar, it was Kali. Yet she was there, and of course she had to sit downright next to him. 

“Hi,” she whispered. “Felix. Didn’t know you majored in dance too.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Feeling’s mutual. I usually hang out with the guys.”

“Ah. My friends aren’t here today, so I thought why not sit next to you? A friend of Jisung’s is a friend of mine, after all.”

And her stupidly bright smile that accompanied her words was what sent a sting right through Felix’s heart.

A friend of Jisung’s. Really?


	5. CHAPTER 4 (in which Felix breaks down)

Kali started coming over more often, and with that, she started to grow on Felix. One thing that didn’t grow on him, though, was her relationship with Jisung. The way he would smile and wrap his arms around her waist when she was standing in the kitchen, the way he sometimes placed soft little kisses on her shoulders, the way he could lift her up with ease due to his frequent working out, or how their hands slotted together so well—Felix couldn’t bear thinking about it.

“Felix-hyung?” Seungmin snapped Felix out of his dazed post-movie state. 

“Hm?” he turned away from the credits rolling across the screen so he could look the younger in the eyes.

“You okay? You seem kinda out of it.”

“Yeah,” he denied. “I just… I’ve been thinking.”

“About?” Kali asked from where she was wrapped around Jisung’s torso on the other side of the couch.

Felix didn’t answer. He couldn’t exactly say that he was thinking about her and how much he sometimes just wanted her to leave. So he just shrugged, and threw his fleece blanket off of himself and onto Seungmin. “I’m going to bed.”

“Night,” Jisung said, barely above a whisper, as Felix walked past him.

It was dark and chilly in his room, and goosebumps covered his chest when Felix took off his shirt. His bed was also cold, and he stared at the ceiling as he just lay there. There was a familiar pressure on his chest, weighing him down and making him sink into the mattress. Before he could even stop himself, a lone tear rolled down his left cheek.

He reached out, arm patting down the mattress until his fingers curled around the fluffy, familiar stuffed polar bear that he slept with. He pressed it close to his bare chest, inhaling the lingering scent of home. Fuck. A shudder wrecked his body as he felt the lump in his throat come undone. What the hell was up with him?

Felix turned around, burying his face into his pillow and holding on to his polar bear for dear life. 

\- - - - - - - -

Seungmin came in about fifteen minutes later, when Felix had stopped ugly sobbing, and was just curled up in his blanked. The younger sat down on the edge of the bed, making the mattress dip down because of his weight.

“Thinking, huh?”

Felix didn’t respond, instead sighing with a shudder.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

Again, no answer. Seungmin tentatively placed his hand on the other’s shoulder, which made Felix shift slightly under his touch. His hand was warm, and shit, Felix hadn’t even realized how terribly touch-starved he had been until that very moment.

“Do you need a hug?” Seungmin asked, and this time he got a tiny nod as a response. Very slowly, Felix sat up, rubbing his eyes and leaning into Seungmin’s side, who wrapped his arms tightly around him. “It’s gonna be okay, hyung, you don’t have to cry.”

“It’s just…” Felix said with a trembling voice. “It’s just so… so hard.”

“I know, hyung. Life’s hard sometimes. That’s okay. We just have to power through, yeah?”

Another tiny nod. Seungmin’s hand smoothing down a few strands of Felix’s hair. It was quiet except for his labored breathing and small sniffles. The sheets rustled, and Felix pressed himself further into Seungmin’s side. He smelled nice, the older notices. Like clothes fresh out of the dryer.

One of Kali’s signature giggles could be heard from the living room, and that was all it took for Felix to start crying again. Seungmin just cupped the back of his head and let him, even though it meant his shirt would get wet.

\- - - - - - - -

The days after his mental breakdown were harsh. So much that he could barely look Jisung into the eye without feeling the lump in his throat rise again. He kept blaming himself; for not being able to handle Kali and Jisung together, for not being able to stay in touch with Jisung after middle school. So this time it was Felix who did his absolute best to avoid Jisung as much as possible, even though he had to spend time with Kali because they shared a major. When Jisung wasn’t there, they got along perfectly. They learned from each other, and even found out they had the same taste in music.

One day, Felix found himself in the library, scrolling through an article about the relation between Petrushka and the Russian revolution. His hands were cold, and his fingertips were dry as he dragged them across the touchpad of his laptop. The earphones in his ears blasted the music that Igor Stravinsky had composed for Petrushka.

After what had felt like an eternity of reading, a shadow suddenly loomed over him. “They’re still giving you guys these assignments?” 

Felix looked over his shoulder and nodded at Minho. “Yep.”

“Damn. Didn’t think they were still keeping up the history department act. Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure,” he took out his earphones and scooted over so Minho could sit down next to him.

“So, you must be aware of the inter-UC performing arts competitions.”

“I am, but I don’t think I’ll be competing.”

“Seriously?” Minho raked a hand through his hair. “Hyunjin and I wanted to form a dance act with you, for fuck’s sake. We would’ve asked earlier, but we didn’t manage to catch you.”

“Oh,” Felix muttered, rubbing his fingers together over his lap. “I mean… What was your plan?”

“So basically we were thinking of choreographing something to a track that some other guys made. One of them is a second-years music production major and also Hyunjin’s boyfriend. They do hip-hop.”

“Sounds fun. I’ll think about it, yeah? Hold on, I’ll give you my number.” Felix ripped a piece of paper from his notebook, scribbling down his phone number and handing it to Minho.

“Thanks man,” the other replied, sticking the piece of paper into his pocket. “I feel like you’d make a great addition to our team. Especially since your footwork is so good.”

“Yeah, no prob,” Felix said, and watched Minho as he walked away again.


	6. CHAPTER 5 (in which we're going home for christmas)

December rolled around, and so did trouble. On a rainy Friday evening, at the start of Christmas break, Felix entered the dorm to find Jisung sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. Kali was pacing through the living room. Both ignored him completely, clearly caught up in whatever conversation they’d been having. Felix went to his room in order to give them some privacy, but the walls were too thin to actually keep the sounds out.

“I just don’t understand why you’re saying this only now.”

Kali, clearly upset.

“I already told you, I’m just not ready. I need to go home next week, and my parents are going to make this such a big deal.”

Jisung, in distress.

“I can also not come with you. It’s no problem if you want to wait with the whole meet-the-parents thing.”

“No, it’s not that. I mean… I mean everything. You and me, I just don’t know if this whole thing is meant to be.”

“Yesterday you told me you loved me!”

Felix huddled under his blanked, the smile wiped off his face by the fact that the seemingly ever-happy couple was arguing.

“And I do! I just don’t know if I love you like that. Like… Love love, you get me?”

“No Jisung. I don’t get it. I just wish you would’ve told me this earlier. I’m okay with you not liking me like that, but at least don’t pretend then.”

The door slammed, and the entire dorm rang with silence for a few seconds, until Felix could hear soft sobs come from somewhere in the living room.

\- - - - - - - -

“You should eat,” Seungmin said, gesturing at the way Jisung was poking at his soup. “Otherwise you’re gonna end up just as scrawny as when you got here.”

Felix noticed the red rimming Jisung’s eyes, he noticed the tousled hair and the crumpled shirt, but he pretended not to. He didn’t know what he was to do, honestly. He’d never seen Jisung this way, not since his goldfish had died when he was three years old. Jisung wasn’t supposed to be like this. The entire semester, there’d been something off about him. It was a bit like when a really cool lava lamp starts flickering and goes out, and you’re just trying to find the reason why.

“I know,” the eldest whispered. “It’s just been a tough day, okay?”

“What happened?” Seungmin asked.

“I broke up with Kali,” Jisung confessed, causing Seungmin to choke on his soup.

“Why?” he asked after recollecting himself.

“We just… aren’t compatible anymore.”

Felix slammed his spoon down on the table. “Then why were you crying like that? That’s not how peaceful breakups go, and you know that. You’re fucking broken, Jisung. What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing! I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it. Just leave me alone, will you?”

In disbelief, Felix scoffed, but kept his thoughts to himself. There was no use starting a fight. Instead, he decided to change the subject. Partly for Jisung’s comfort, partly to calm his own confused heart that really didn’t know what to make of this.

“On another note, I’m thinking of competing in the inter-UC thing next year, together with Hyunjin and Minho. We might dance to something that Hyunjin’s boyfriend and his mates made.”

“Hyunjin has a boyfriend?” Jisung asked immediately. “Wait, is it Changbin?”

“I don’t know, but apparently he’s a second-year music production major that makes music with two other friends.”

“Yeah, that’s Changbin. I didn’t know he had a boyfriend.” There was a faint smile tugging at Jisung’s lips.

“Sounds nice,” Seungmin said, and elbowed Jisung in the side. “What’re you smiling at?”

“Nothing. Happy for Changbin, but I just can’t see him in a relationship with that guy,” he answered, now grinning widely, even though his eyes were still bloodshot. 

“I’m actually one of his mates with whom he makes music.”

“Seriously? That’s sick,” Felix said with a spoonful of soup halfway to his face.

“Yeah. I’m gonna make the beat really intense so you’ll have to dance extra hard. And so Hyunjin is extra sweaty afterwards, you know, Changbin might like that.”

“Hyung, say something like that again and I’ll kick you out of the dorm,” Seungmin said.

“Lucky for you I was planning to jump out of the window anyways. Life hasn’t really been on my side lately, you see,” Jisung joked.

“Don’t.” Felix kicked him under the table. “You still need to make a song for our performance.”

\- - - - - - - -

A day later, Seungmin was still the only one in the dorm that seemed to be somewhat mentally stable. Jisung had been going through some pretty heavy mood swings, and Felix was very confused about emotion as a concept. He felt strangely relieved after Kali and Jisung had broken up, which he of course thought made him a terrible person. On the other hand, his childhood friend still didn’t talk to him all that much. There had been progress, but it was nothing like their old friendship. To be fair, it would be hard for anyone to build that strong of a relationship.

As he lay in bed on Sunday morning, he tucked all those nasty thoughts and upwelling emotions away in a far corner of his mind. Instead, he decided to bother himself with the thought of where he was going to stay over Christmas break. Australia wasn’t an option due to plane prizes (sometimes he wishes they hadn’t moved there when he started high school), and he didn’t want to stay in the dorms either. Just as he was about to contemplate booking a hotel in downtown Busan or something, there was a knock at his door.

“Come in,” he said, surprised by how groggy and deep his own morning voice was. The door creaked open, and a strip of light illuminated the silhouette of Jisung in the doorway.

“What the—” Felix sat up against the wall and pulled his duvet up to cover his chest. “Jisung? What’s up?”

“Morning,” he said, staring at his own feet. “My mom called last night, and I told her about… you know. She wants to know if you feel like visiting us over Christmas. I think my parents want to see you again.”

“Do you want me to come?”

“Of course,” Jisung said, just a little too fast. “I mean… Yeah. I guess it’d be nice to have you there.”


	7. CHAPTER 6 (in which they return home)

That same Sunday, Felix packed a bunch of clothes and other things into a bag, and went to find Hyunjin or Minho. Minho still hadn’t texted him, so he had no other way of contacting them. Dressed in gray sweats and a hoodie, he was sitting in the hallway, tugging at his socks in order to get them to sit right in his shoes. 

“Where are you going?” Jisung asked form where he was leaning against the wall.

“To look for Hyunjin and Minho.” With a huff, Felix finally got his shoes on correctly.

“Hold up, I’ll come along,” the other said, and slipped into his own shoes and a jacket. “I have to tell Hyunjin something.”

“Cool. They’re probably at the dance studios.”

“Then that’s where we’re headed.”

\- - - - - - - -

It felt nice to walk next to Jisung again as Felix led the way to the dance studios. Even though Felix’s own vest was objectively too thin for the December weather, and his sock had managed to fold itself again, he felt fuzzy on the inside. There was something about it, having Jisung next to him. He’d grown, though it was probably partly due to his platform shoes, and his hair was considerably fluffier than when they were kids. However, he was still so undeniably Jisung, with his large doe eyes and chubby cheeks.

Jisung caught Felix staring at him, and smiled. Even with the dark rings underneath his eyes, he still managed to look as endearing as ever.

There was only one dance studio with a closed door, so that was the one that Felix knocked on. After a few seconds, the door opened to reveal a familiar face—it’s just that it wasn’t Hyunjin or Minho.

“Felix?” Kali asked. “What’s up?”

She caught sight of Jisung, and lowered her gaze awkwardly.

“Oh,” Felix muttered. “Sorry, we were looking for Hyunjin and Minho. Do you know where they are?”

“No, sorry,” she answered. 

“Then we’ll go,” Jisung said softly, already turning. “I know where Hyunjin may be.”

“Wait,” Kali said. “Jisung… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped like that earlier.”

“It’s fine… You had the right to, I was being an idiot. C’mon Felix, we should go.”

Kali smiled apologetically as she closed the door again to return to her friends, and Felix patted Jisung on the shoulder. “Where do we go?”

“Changbin.”

\- - - - - - - -

Changbin’s dorm was messy, which once again reminded Felix of how important Seungmin was. Jisung had just tapped in the code, and they’d walked into a living room with several empty takeout boxes lying around. Stepping over a random hoodie, Jisung was first to set foot in the kitchen, where Changbin was sitting on the counter with Hyunjin between his legs. He seemed to be making a ponytail in the younger’s hair. Or at least trying to make one.

“Hi hyung,” Jisung said.

“Hey Jisung, who’s that?” Changbin asked, before realization dawned on him. “Oh no, that’s the kid I thought was Chan’s fling on the first day.”

“It’s fine.” Felix shrugged. “I actually wanted to talk to Hyunjin hyung.”

“What’s up?” Hyunjin asked, wincing a little when Changbin accidentally tugged on his hair.

“I want to join your dance act for the inter-UC competitions.”

“Really? Minho said he’d told you about it, but I’m fairly sure he lost your phone number somewhere in this mess of an apartment.” He tapped Changbin’s hand to get him to let go of his hair, and walked over to the couch to fetch his phone. “Here, you can make yourself a contact. Then I’ll make a group-chat or something.”

“Cool,” Felix said while typing his name into Hyunjin’s phone. “We’ll keep in touch.”

“So where are you guys going over Christmas and New Year’s?” Changbin asked.

“Lix is coming along to my parents’ place,” Jisung answered, making Felix’s heart skip at beat at the harmless nickname that he hadn’t heard in years.

\- - - - - - - -

That afternoon, Jisung and Felix found themselves in the train, on the way to the very place they grew up. Felix rested his cheek against the cold windows as he watched the scenery pass by. Jisung was sitting next to him, listening to music and scrolling through something on his phone. Felix glanced over, and quickly returned to the window when he saw that the older was busy deleting pictures of him and Kali. 

The ride wasn’t too long, and they didn’t talk a lot, except for when Felix took a water bottle out of his bag and Jisung asked if he could have some too because he forgot his own water. A few times, one of them made a remark regarding something outside or on a phone, and the other reacted, but that was all.  
In the end, they arrived, and upon getting out of the train, they discovered that none of Jisung’s family members had come to receive them. Jisung didn’t seem too fazed, but Felix wondered why they hadn’t gotten a more enthusiastic welcome home.

So, they ended up walking the short stretch to Jisung’s home, where his mom did immediately open the door when she saw them approaching through the kitchen window. “Boys!” she exclaimed, wiping her hands on her ruched apron and spreading her arms as if to welcome them into a hug.

“Hi ma,” Jisung said with little excitement in his voice. “I brought your favorite boy.”

“Hello Mrs. Han,” Felix said with a slight bow. “It’s nice to be back here.”

“I can imagine! Come on in, I just managed to get the cookies in the oven. While they bake, you two can get settled in upstairs. How about you get the extra mattress from the attic, so Felix can sleep in your room?” she rambled, directing the last sentence directly to her son. “And you should wash up. There’s black on your eyelid.”

“That’s eyeliner,” Jisung grumbled, but he just made a beeline for the stairs after kicking off his shoes, of which he hadn’t tied the laces at all in the morning.

Felix followed him without a word, socks creating a soft patting sound against the wooden floor. It smelled warm inside, like cookies and Christmas trees and fireplaces. He remembered walking up those stairs uncountable times when he was young, screaming and laughing together with Jisung, pretending to be pirates or knights. He remembered the time when they were twelve, and he’d told Jisung about his desperate want for barbies in a hushed voice under his blanket.

The blanket wasn’t there anymore. In fact, Jisung’s entire room had changed.


	8. CHAPTER 7 (in which a lot goes wrong)

Felix rubbed over his arm when he set down his suitcase in Jisung’s childhood bedroom. His old bunk bed had been replaced by a simple steel bedframe with plain black sheets, and the one wall that he remembered as bright green with a dragon painted on it was now just as white as the other ones. Everything orange had disappeared, and everything was so unsettlingly empty.

“Damn, what happened here?” he asked. “It’s changed.”

“My parents happened. They turned it into a guest room after I moved out.”

“Sucks. I would’ve loved to see your ungodly amount of tiger items again.”

“You know I grew out of my tiger phase by the time I was ten, right?” Jisung threw himself on the bed, rolling onto his back and giving Felix a side-eye.

“I do, but I miss that phase. Everything you owned used to be orange.” Felix flicked the light on as it was starting to get dark outside.

“We don’t talk about that anymore. Let’s get the mattress, okay?”

\- - - - - - - -

Once they were settled in, Felix and Jisung went downstairs to go and have dinner with the parents. The table was set with an adorned tablecloth and there was a steaming pan of pasta on the table. The vibe wasn’t half bad as everyone sat down and helped themselves to some food. In fact, it seemed quite warm and homely. 

Felix spooned a single piece of pasta into his mouth when Jisung’s mother asked him, “So, Felix. We haven’t seen you in a long time. How are things? How was Australia?”

“Australia was fine,” he replied, quickly swallowing down his food. “Very warm, but the people there are really nice. I didn’t think Jisung would go to the same college as me.”

“Neither did we, but I’m glad you’re there with him. Jisung has been a bit off since you left,” Jisung’s father said.

“Dad,” Jisung warned, putting his fork down on the edge of his plate with a clattering sound. “Can we not do this? I’ve barely been home for an hour.”

“I’m just saying.” His dad shrugged. “Glad you came to yourself a bit.”

“Honey, leave him,” Jisung’s mom said in a sweet but strict voice. “He’s been through a lot, moving into a dorm and everything. So, Felix. Tell us more. How have you been getting along? Any ladies in your life? Any ladies in Jisung’s life? He barely tells us anything over the phone.”

“Oh, I’ve just been focusing on dance, honestly. I don’t really have time for a love life. Ladies aren’t really in the picture for me.” Felix awkwardly looked at Jisung.

“Same goes for me,” said Jisung, sounding a bit pained. “Lots of work, no time for girls. I dated someone for a bit, but it was too stressful.”

“Oh really?” his mom said with a smile. “Tell us about her.”

“At least it’s a girl this time,” his father grumbled, clearly unhappy.

“Dad, what did I say?” Jisung sighed. “She was nice, but it just didn’t work out.”

“Oh,” his mom retorted, “I mean like… her name and stuff like that. If you don’t mind.”

“Right. Kali, same age as me, just a tiny bit shorter. Born in America. God, why are you people so fucking invested in my love life?” Jisung slammed his fist down on the table and held his head in his hands.

“Jisung, don’t make this such a big deal now!” his mom exclaimed. “We have a guest, and you behave like this? Get it together. I just want to know how your love life is. You’re my son.”

“I can’t believe this. Let’s just eat, okay?”

“Han Jisung, don’t you use that tone to your mother,” his dad near-yelled. “You really think that a fucking disgrace of a son like you has the right to come in here and disrespect my wife?”

“Well I’m sorry for having boundaries and not tolerating it when people ask invasive questions about my love life! It’s like you want to figure out whether I’m fucking cured from being myself. God, I’m so sick of it!”

\- - - - - - - -

That night, Felix couldn’t sleep, and it seemed that Jisung couldn’t either. The older was constantly rolling over in bed, rustling the blankets and sighing every now and then.

“Are you okay?” Felix whispered, finally fed up with the feeling of not doing anything to comfort Jisung.

“I’m fine… just… don’t say anything.” Jisung’s voice broke. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to go.”

“You should’ve just not gone then,” Felix said, maybe stating the obvious. “We could’ve stayed in the dorm. Had a little Christmas together.”

“I can’t just ignore my parents.”

“They don’t seem to like you very much. What happened?”

Jisung scoffed, but he sounded fragile. “What do you think happened? They walked in on me making out with a boy. Been trying to fucking cure me since.”  
Felix didn’t know how to respond, but he could hear Jisung pulling his blanket up further. 

“We can leave tomorrow if you want to. Book a place somewhere else, just for the two of us,” he tried, propping himself up on his elbows.

“Don’t think…” Jisung paused to take a deep, shuddering breath. “Don’t think they’d let me.”

“You’re an adult, Sung. You don’t need their fucking permission. Not to leave, and not to love someone either.”

A single sob came from up on the bed, sending a spike of pain right through Felix’s chest. Jisung was crying.

“Do you need a hug?”

There was no answer, so Felix slowly got up and sat down on the edge of the bed. Jisung was curled up in fetal position, clutching onto the sheets and biting his lip as he tried desperately to keep it all in. Felix tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder, and gently rubbed it. “It’s okay to cry. Just let go.”

Another sob escaped from Jisung’s throat, and he slowly sat up only to latch onto Felix’s torso. “Please—” he whispered between sobs. “Please don’t… don’t leave.”

“I won’t,” Felix said as he wrapped Jisung up in his arms, letting the other straddle him and bury his face in his neck. Jisung’s entire body shuddered, and his hands held on to Felix’s shirt for dear life. It was so obvious that the older was trying to be as quiet as possible, choking out noises and screwing his eyes shut to try and keep dry, which proved itself useless when a wet patch formed itself on Felix’s shirt. Felix didn’t care though. He just let Jisung cry in his arms, holding on tightly and keeping him in place on his thighs. 

It took him a while to stop crying, but when he finally did, Jisung pulled back from Felix’s chest with a sniffle, and wiped the tears away from his cheeks using the back of his hand. “I’m sorry for being such a wreck,” he muttered.

“It’s alright,” Felix reassured him. “Do you want to try to sleep?”

“I’m scared I’m going to have another nightmare,” Jisung pouted, and Felix was sure that he was going to melt right there underneath his childhood best friend.

“Want me to stay with you?”

“Please?” Jisung looked up at him with those doe eyes, and Felix gave him a little smile.

“Let’s cuddle then, yeah?” Feeling Jisung nod against his chest again, he pulled both of them backwards onto the bed and pulled the blanket over them. The bed was a bit too small, objectively speaking, but it didn’t matter as they were huddled so close together. And Felix liked it. He liked the warmth of Jisung’s soft cheek against his collarbone, and the hand that had once again wrenched itself into his shirt. Even Jisung’s leg, that had managed to curl around his own felt nice. 

Fuck, he really was touch starved.


	9. CHAPTER 8 (in which they sneak out)

Felix woke up at sunrise, with something hairy tickling his neck—Jisung. The older was still asleep on top of him, having managed to snuggle even closer overnight. He looked so peaceful with his relaxed muscles and cheek squished against Felix’s collarbone. Man, he wished they could stay like this forever, all cuddled up against each other. That would be nice.

Reality was a lot less nice, especially since Felix could hear Jisung’s parents shuffling around downstairs, most likely preparing breakfast for themselves. He really didn’t want to go downstairs, not after what happened the night before, and he reckoned Jisung wouldn’t want to have breakfast with his parents either.

Said man woke up right when Felix was about to stroke his head. Jisung blinked harshly against the sunlight shining through the window, and yawned. He looked ethereal, Felix noted; sleep-drunk with the golden sunlight illuminating his features and his face a bit swollen underneath his messy hair. He wondered if head kisses were something platonic, hoping they were.

Jisung slowly pushed himself upright, accidentally placing his weight on Felix’s stomach in the process, making him cry out in pain, somewhat ruining the moment.  
“Sorry,” he said in his raspy morning voice.

“Morning,” Felix groaned. “Jesus. How are you feeling?”

“Shit.”

“Let’s go for a walk today,” he suggested, pulling Jisung back on top of him. “We can go to all of our old hangout spots.”

“Mom and dad are gonna be waiting for us for breakfast though.” Jisung said, though he didn’t show initiative to get up again as he closed his eyes and let himself relax onto Felix’s chest. “We’re going to have to face them at some point.”

“Then let’s sneak out. Put on clothes, sneak down for shoes and jackets, and leave through the window?”

“You’re a bad influence, Lix.”

\- - - - - - - -

And that was how Felix Lee found himself hanging out from his childhood best friend’s bedroom window at nine in the morning. Jisung was already down, standing there with his backpack, dressed in jeans and a sweater. Felix jumped, landing on the grass a few feet below. His knees ached, and he stumbled, but managed to stabilize himself before falling over completely.

“Shall we?”

Thus, they took off, walking around the house onto the street where they grew up. Felix pulled his jacket closer around his body and hid his hands in his sleeves. Overnight, a bit of snow had fallen, so their footsteps made crunching sounds on the pavement. Jisung kicked a bit of snow so it flew through the air. 

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“The playground,” Felix decided. “I think we need to talk.”

“Oh boy,” Jisung said, chuckling to hide his nerves. “Don’t start scolding me.”

The playground was still the same as when they were kids. There were two swings, monkey bars, a merry-go-round, and a seesaw. Felix used his sleeve to wipe the snow off one of the swings and sat down. 

“Why?” Felix asked after they’d sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Why what?”

“Just… Why, I guess. Why did you change so much?”

“Age,” Jisung said dryly, swinging back and forth.

“Yeah, I know, but why didn’t you want to talk to me? Earlier this year.”

“I don’t know. I guess I was scared?”

Felix laughed, but he wasn’t amused at all. “Scared, of me? You used to tackle me into hugs and kiss me on the cheek before going on a rant about some new animal you’d found out about. You’ve changed, Sung, and it’s weird. I don’t like how you barely smile anymore.”

Jisung sighed deeply. “Things just changed when you left, and so did I. Life became less bright, and so did I. We mirror our surroundings, and it’s not that hard to be sad when nobody around you loves you.”

“I love you.”

“But you were across an ocean when I needed you, and now that I’ve learned to live without you, it’s scary to let you back in. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t know what will happen if you don’t love this new version of me.”

“I mean… I obviously do.”

“Why though?” Jisung leaned back on the swing, tilting his legs into the air.

“Because you’re still Jisung,” Felix said, as if that was all the explanation he needed. “Do you love the new you?”

“Nah,” he said. “I don’t think I’ve loved myself since my parents saw me kissing that boy. They made me feel fucking disgusted with myself.”

“There’s nothing wrong with kissing boys though. Hyunjin and Changbin do it too.”

“I know, but how was I supposed to know that you weren’t homophobic when I saw you on the first day of college?”

Felix raised an eyebrow. “Because I’m a decent guy? Plus, I’m literally a male dance major that likes to shave and enjoys feminine shampoos. I’m basically a fruit salad.”

“You’re gay?”

He shrugged. “I don’t even know at this point. I’m too touch-starved to tell whether I actually like girls, or I just need hugs.”

Jisung nodded. “Makes sense. I didn’t get a lot of hugs either during high school. Mostly punches, honestly. Once you kiss the popular guy and get yelled at by your parents in front of him, your swag level really goes down.”

“Aw man,” said Felix. “That sucks. I’ll never hurt you for being gay, you know that right?”

“Duh. You basically just came out.”

They sat in silence a bit more, watching the sunlight filter through the bare trees and reflect on the snow. 

“So why Kali?” Felix asked.

Jisung snapped his head around a bit too fast. “Excuse me?”

“Why did you fuck her for over a month?”

“Shit dude,” he laughed awkwardly. “I just… She’s really nice, okay? I thought that maybe I was straight after all, and it was really relieving to feel normal for once.”

“So you like girls too, or what?”

“I don’t think so. I guess I liked Kali as a friend, but misread the situation.”

“Does she know you’re gay?”

“No,” Jisung said. “But I’ll tell her when we get back, or I’ll send her a text soon.”

Felix nodded. “Speaking of getting back; what are we gonna do now?”

“I don’t want to stay here.”

“Me neither. Should we look for a hotel or something? We could spend Christmas together, go out for dinner maybe.”

“Maybe you’re a good influence after all, Lix.”


	10. CHAPTER 9 (in which Jisung bids his dad farewell)

“I’m not going to spend Christmas with parents that don’t even love me for who I am,” Jisung said, glaring into his father’s eyes. “So we’re leaving. But thank you for fucking over my teenage years and giving me mental problems.”

“Han Jisung,” he said in an angry tone. “I will not have this ungrateful behavior in my house. You had the audacity to bring your wonderful friend along and then try to ruin everything, as you always do. Maybe it is better if you leave.”

“Oh,” Felix butted in. “Actually, I like kissing boys too, so—”

“God help us,” Jisung’s father exclaimed. “I should’ve known it! It’s always the gay ones that band together! Sins are not bonding, how long is it going to take until that gets through to you gays?”

“Being gay isn’t a sin,” said Felix, “but I’m pretty sure abusing your child is, so we’ll be leaving now. Tell Mrs. Han her pasta was nice when she comes back from the supermarket, will you?”

“I’ll tell her that you’re corrupted too! Now get out of my house!”

The door slammed, and then they were outside again.

“Damn, that felt good,” Jisung said. “Where are we going?”

“I know a hotel that isn’t too expensive near the center.”

\- - - - - - - -

Incheon was alive in the holiday season, filled with people just going for walks or buying things for their loved ones. Felix and Jisung were busy booking a room in the hotel Felix had mentioned. There were actually a lot of rooms free, so they had no trouble checking in and could immediately go upstairs. They stayed on the fifth floor, overlooking the park in central Incheon, where a large Christmas tree was the main attraction at that time of the year. Especially teenagers seemed to love taking pictures of or with it.

“So how’s Christmas different in Australia?” Jisung asked when he’d made himself very comfortable on his bed.

Felix rolled over to face him. “Well, it’s more of a family holiday than a couple’s holiday. You remember how here people always used to brag about going on a Christmas date?”

“Man, I remember how envious I always was…”

“Yeah, in Australia everyone just goes home to their parents or grandparents and exchanges presents with them after going to church if they’re religious.”

“We should go on a Christmas date,” Jisung said, as if it was the most casual idea ever.

Felix didn’t seem to think so, and almost choked on his own spit. “Excuse me?”

“Platonically of course,” he clarified, “but we could go watch a bad movie or go to a restaurant together and then go for a late-night walk.”

“Let’s do it.” Felix sat up in one movement and grabbed his phone. “I’m booking tickets for the twenty-fourth.”

\- - - - - - - -

They spent the rest of the day in the hotel room, flicking through the channels on the small tv and getting food from the restaurant downstairs. Evening fell, and the lights illuminated the room in a yellow glow. 

“I’ll go change in the bathroom,” Jisung said, picking up his pajamas. Felix noticed an alarming lack of t-shirts in the elder’s arms, but let it slide. He waited until the bathroom door had closed, and took off his own clothes. His pajamas were dark green and warm, and he wondered if it was going to be too hot underneath the hotel’s thick blankets.

Jisung came out of the bathroom when Felix was already in his bed. He looked up, being met with the sight of his childhood best friend looking as ethereal as ever. It was odd, Felix thought, to think of his best friend as handsome when he was literally just in his pajamas, but then again, he couldn’t help it. The way his fair was sticking in all directions from washing his face was just too wholesome.

Felix went to brush his own teeth, after which he splashed some cold water in his face, and went out again. Jisung was already curled up underneath his blanket. Felix smiled subconsciously and settled down in his own bed.

“Good night,” Jisung muttered just loud enough for him to hear.

“Good night.” 

\- - - - - - - -

Felix woke up at three in the morning, because Jisung had violently sat up, which had made the entire bed creak.

“What the fuck?” he asked groggily, looking at the silhouette of Jisung across the dark room.

“Sorry…”

“Nightmare?”

“No, I just…”

“Then why did you wake up so aggressively? Oh no, did you have a—” 

“No Felix,” Jisung said, falling back into bed. “Just a weird dream.”

“What was it about?”

Jisung didn’t answer. “Go back to sleep, Lix.”

“No but now I want to know. You can’t just say you had a weird dream and then not tell me,” Felix whined.

“Fine, it was about us on Christmas, and some weird shit happened, okay? Drop it.”

“Okay, sorry.”

Silence.

“What type of weird shit?”

“Oh my God, Felix! Go to sleep!”

Silence.

“Sung?”

A sigh. “Yes?”

“What should we do tomorrow?”

“We can think about that in the morning.”

“Alright.”

The room fell quiet again, until it was Jisung that spoke up, and not Felix.

“Can we cuddle again?”

“Why?” Felix asked dryly, ignoring the smile bubbling up in his throat.

“Life.”

“Okay,” he said.

Felix’s bare feet tapped against the floor as he waddled over to Jisung’s bed. He lifted the blankets and slid into the bed. Neither of them mentioned that the bed was way too small of the both of them at once. Jisung just pulled Felix on top of himself and wrapped his bare arms tightly around the younger’s torso. Felix let out a little sigh, inhaling Jisung’s comforting scent and pressing his cheek closer to his bare chest.

“You’re comfy,” Felix whispered.

Jisung didn’t answer, and it wasn’t long until both of them were fast asleep again.


	11. CHAPTER 10 (in which Christmas comes)

Christmas Eve. Felix and Jisung were sat next to each other in the cinema, waiting for the cheesy Christmas movie they’d picked to start. They’d bought a large popcorn to share with each other, and Jisung had already stuffed his cheeks with a bit of it.

The movie was very cliché, featuring your typical couple over the holidays getting in trouble, but the Christmas spirit of love of course reigned supreme in the end. Objectively, it was trash, but subjectively, it was exactly what was fitting for Christmas eve, found Felix.

After the movie was over, they walked fifteen minutes to the restaurant where they’d made a reservation the night before. It was packed inside, and the scent of delicious food swirled around them. A waiter showed them their table, and not much later they were sharing a large plate of jjajangmyeon and some tofu stew.

“Thank you,” Jisung said out of the blue after they’d been eating for a while.

“For what?” Felix mumbled through a bite of noodles.

“Being here, getting me away from my parents, you know.”

“It’s okay, you don’t need to thank me for that. I don’t want you to be miserable.”

“I’m still miserable.” Jisung shrugged. “Just not all the time.”

“Then I’ll stick with you until you’re okay again. Just don’t hide yourself from me like you did earlier this year, okay?”

“I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Jisung hooked his pinky finger through Felix’s and shook. They smiled at each other for a second too long, and then returned to their dinner.

“So what should we do after this?” Jisung asked. 

“The Christmas market is still there,” Felix said. “We could go get dessert there and go for a walk. The sky’s clear too, so maybe we can even see some stars.”

“Maybe they have hotteok.”

“Probably. There always used to be a stand that sold hotteok.”

\- - - - - - - -

It was cold in the park, so Felix had hidden his hands in his sleeves. Jisung had done something similar, creating small sweater paws that melted Felix’s heart. They walked through the park, heading towards the Christmas market, where they could already hear other visitors bustling around and ordering food. String lights were everywhere, and the stars in the sky shone as bright as ever. However, Felix only had eyes for Jisung.

The older was focused, looking at the small clouds that came from his mouth every time he breathed. He looked so tiny inside of his jacket, shoulders up so that the collar covered his entire neck. Felix had to look up at him because of the platforms he was wearing (as always) but still felt the overwhelming need to protect his best friend. Of course, that’s what friends are for, after all. He reckoned it was only natural for him to feel such affection towards Jisung. Especially now that he smiled less and looked more fragile, regardless of his muscular appearance or eyeliner or earrings that made him look significantly more mature than as a kid. 

“My hands are cold,” Jisung whined, snapping Felix out of his trance. “I feel like my fingers are going to fall off.”

Fuck, when Jisung pouted like that, he looked even cuter, and all Felix really wanted to do was wrap him up in a blanket and cuddle with him for hours. “We’ll get some hotteok,” he said instead. “That should warm you up.”

Jisung smiled with his entire face, and shook his head to get a strand of hair out of his eyes. His eyes turned to little sickles and his gums showed. God, Felix had missed that smile. He reached up and poked his friend’s cheek, making him recoil.

“Your cheeks are red,” Felix said, referring to the rosy blush that had spread across Jisung’s face, most likely because of the cold. “It’s cute.”

\- - - - - - - -

They sat next to each other on a park bench right next to the Christmas tree. Felix took a bite of his hotteok, mushy sweetness filling his mouth and warming him up all the way to his toes. “Man,” he groaned. “This is good stuff.”

“Don’t get a boner now,” Jisung joked. “It’s just hotteok.”

“I haven’t had a single hotteok in years, Han Jisung, let me have this.”

“Sorry.” Jisung leaned into him, making sure not to get any food on Felix’s jacket. Their coats brushed together with a somewhat unpleasant sound, but it was fluffy and soft and cozy. 

“The tree is pretty,” Felix said after a moment of silence. “I just feel bad that you can’t open your presents now.”

“It’s okay,” Jisung said while folding up his little paper plate. “Being here is like a present.”

“I didn’t even get you anything, but I can be your present!”

“You are.” He laughed, sitting upright again and blowing warm breaths onto his hands while looking up at the sky. “We can go look through some stores tomorrow.”

“Maybe I can find you a present then,” Felix sighed. “And then the day after that we already have to check out.”

“We’re going to go back to the dorms then, right?”

“Yeah. So we’ll have to spend New Year’s Eve with Seungmin and the others.”

“You sound disappointed,” said Jisung. “Something wrong?”

“I just enjoy spending time with you after such a long while,” Felix said. It wasn’t that he was possessive or anything. No, he was completely fine with the idea of Jisung having fun with others during a possible New Year’s party. He could handle Jisung kissing someone at midnight. He’d been alone before, so it should be all right. It was just that he didn’t want to be alone at midnight, right?

“So do I. My feet are cold, can we go back to the hotel? We can watch tv and cuddle if you want to.”

“That sounds good. Or we could turn on music and just talk.”

“Let’s dance in our room,” Jisung said with a wicked grin.

“I’m not dancing with you.” Felix felt heat rise to his cheeks. “I have standards.”

“Okay, harsh. Let’s just go, yeah?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! thank you so much for reading <3  
> i also wanted to let you know i've uploaded a preview for a new fic called 2023, and i would be incredibly grateful if you checked it out :D (it's a zombie apocalypse au)


	12. CHAPTER 11 (in which they have a skirt)

They danced.

In fact, Felix had been the one to initiate it, because Jisung’s enthusiasm was hard to resist. So he’d turned on a playlist, and there they were; spinning each other around in the small space they had in their hotel room. It was already dark out, but neither of them were tired enough to go to bed, and so they danced with each other until Jisung’s legs ached and he had to lean on Felix. There they were stood, in the middle of the room, arms around each other, hearts racing and hushed laughs escaping them. 

“I told you it was a good idea,” Jisung mumbled into Felix’s collarbone.

“Sure you did,” Felix lifted a hand to stroke his friend’s hair. Without his platforms on, Jisung was a tad shorter than Felix. He hummed softly. “Do you want to change into your pajamas? I was going to take a shower.”

“Sure.”

\- - - - - - - -

They slept until late in the next morning, spending the early hours watching the sunrise from their window and sitting in their blankets. Due to problems with timing, they even decided to skip breakfast and just have a larger lunch. 

They had said lunch in a food parlor in the nearby mall, sat at a small table somewhere in a corner, discussing their plans for the afternoon.

“Which stores do you want to go to?” Felix asked. “And what do you want for Christmas?”

“I told you I don’t need a present,” Jisung said through a mouthful of food. “But I think we should go look at some clothing stores and bookstores. Those are always good.”

“We can visit a record store if you want to. I saw one earlier.”

“Really? I mean, if you don’t mind, I’d love to go there.”

“Anywhere for you,” Felix said.

And thus, not even fifteen minutes later, they were in the record store. Jisung was flipping through CD’s, Felix standing behind him and looking over his shoulder. They were in the rap and hip hop section, which were genres familiar to both of them, though Felix definitely knew less of the niche artists than Jisung did. In the end, Jisung decided on a CD which he described as, “The most legendary k-hip-hop album ever made,” though Felix had never even hear of it. Nevertheless, the younger paid for it, insisting he make up for the lack of Christmas presents exchanged. 

After that, they went to check out a bookstore only several shops away, where they sold everything from Shakespeare to Korean debut novels, plus stationery. Felix seemed to be particularly interested in the newer books, finally settling for a book about a gay couple. To be fair, the cover was the prettiest thing he’d seen all day, with its pastel colors and cherry blossoms.

They also stopped by a small pop-up store that sold handmade candles, where Felix insisted they buy a lavender-scented candle in a glass. Then, they made their way to the clothing store. They’d been looking through shirts and hoodies for a while when Jisung triumphantly held something in the air that looked vaguely like a blue square from where Felix was standing.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“A skirt,” Jisung said casually. “I’m buying this for you. For Christmas.”

“Why would you buy me a skirt?”

“I think you’d look good in it. Don’t you want it?”

“Hold on.” Felix walked over to Jisung. Only then did he notice that the older had ventured into the ladies’ section. “Let me see that.”

It was quite a pretty skirt, he had to admit, but the cut wasn’t ideal. Sure, he wanted a skirt, but not a pencil skirt that would be too small and define a tad too much, while also having a scratchy fabric. “I don’t think this is a good one,” he said. “Are there any pleated ones?” 

“Let me see.” Jisung hung the blue one back and started going through the other ones. Eventually, he took one off the rack that was pleated and white. “I think they have this one in different colors.”

“Nice,” Felix said. “I think the black one is nice. It’s a lot easier to style too.”

Jisung took said black skirt off the rack and put the white one back. “This one it is then. I’ll pay!” And with that, he took off in the direction of the checkout.

“Wait!” Felix hurried after him with the hoodie he still had in his arms. “You don’t have to pay, I can—”

“It’s a Christmas gift!”

\- - - - - - - -

“It doesn’t even fit me,” Felix said through the bathroom door. “It’s way too small.” 

“Show me then!” Jisung demanded. “I bet you just pulled it up too high.” 

The door unlocked with a click, and Felix came out, wearing his black skirt, which covered—well, not a lot, except for his stomach and pelvic bone. Jisung burst out laughing, making his eyes crinkle and his gums show. Felix smiled awkwardly back at him. “I’m standing here half naked and you’re laughing at me.”

“I told you,” Jisung said, and stood up. He walked over to Felix. “You just have to have the waistband lower, and not all the way up at your belly button.”

With Jisung tugging at the bottom of his skirt, Felix said, “I tried, but I think my hips are too wide, because when I have it lower, I can’t zip it up all the way.”

“So it doesn’t fit you.” Jisung sighed, taking a step back, still looking at the skirt. “What a shame. I thought it was pretty.”

“Can you please stop staring at my crotch?”

“I wasn’t!” he exclaimed, though he looked up suspiciously quickly. “So what do we do? I don’t think we can return it, because I didn’t get the receipt.”

“I bet it fits you,” Felix said. “You have a tiny waist.”

“Oh, you mean my rock hard abs?” Jisung asked, patting his stomach. “I mean, I can try it on. But I bought it for you, so it makes me feel bad.”

“Don’t, just try it on. Seeing you in a skirt is just as good as getting a present, trust me.”

“Take it off, and I’ll be right back.” 

Felix and Jisung blinked at each other for a moment. “You’re not going to turn around? I’m not taking my clothes off in front of you.”

“Right, sorry!”


	13. CHAPTER 12 (in which they are besties)

Felix found out just how well the skirt suited Jisung when the latter came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, donning the piece of black fabric together with the tank top he’d been wearing beneath his hoodie all day.

“What do you think?” he asked, twirling around.

“It’s cute,” Felix said. To be fair, it was very cute on Jisung. It sat a bit below his belly button, and reached all the way down to his mid-thighs. Said thighs looked especially pale next to the dark fabric, though that shouldn’t have been a great surprise, since it was winter. 

“It’s airy,” Jisung said. “I’m not used to it. Also I’m cold.”

He shamelessly unzipped it and dropped the skirt to the floor before stepping out of it, leaving a very flustered Felix the job of hastily covering his eyes. Once Jisung had again donned his skinny jeans (with trouble, mind you—they were very tight), he felt it was appropriate to look again. 

“So do you want to get dinner?” Jisung asked as he was folding up the skirt. “There’s a Thai restaurant down the road where they have phenomenal curry.”

“Sounds good. You should wear the skirt.”

“It’s literally snowing outside you absolute lunatic,” Jisung said. “I’m not wearing a skimpy piece of cloth that barely covers my dick.”

“I’m just saying everyone would be jealous of how good you’d look.”

“Yeah, and I’d be jealous of how everyone else would be warm enough not to freeze to death.”

\- - - - - - - -

That night, after they came back from the Thai restaurant, they already packed their bags for the next morning. They took turns showering, and at around eleven thirty, they were finally both in bed. Felix was sat half upright, texting his family, while Jisung had already made himself comfortable on the pillow and was looking at him.

“You gonna sleep?” Jisung asked.

“Yeah, I just have to tell my sisters goodnight.”

“Your sisters are lucky to have a brother like you, you know?”

“Your family is lucky to have an angel like you, they just don’t see it,” Felix said, turning off his phone and pulling his duvet up to his chin. “But I can be your brother too, if you want me to.”

Jisung smiled into his pillow. “I think I’ll stick with best friend for now.”

“So we are besties.”

“Of course. My own dumbassery should never have gotten in the way of that. Sorry that it did.”

“It’s okay. We’re good now. Let’s sleep, I’m tired.”

“Good night.”

“Good night.”

Felix turned the last lamp off, and they were surrounded by darkness. It was nice and quiet for a while, and he just reveled in the warmth of his blanket. Sadly, he’d left his stuffed animals at the dorm, so he didn’t have anything but the duvet to cling onto. Unless…

“Sung?”

“What do you want Felix?”

“Cuddles,” he said hopefully.

“Only if you come over here, because I’m not getting out of bed again before sunrise.”

\- - - - - - - -

Felix woke up with a surprisingly heavy blanket named Jisung draped over him. The elder’s bare chest was heavy on his own, and his breathing was hot in his neck. With a groan, he wrapped his arms around the sleeping man, deciding not to wake him up just yet.

However, it didn’t take much longer before Jisung was awake as well, rolling off of Felix and spontaneously falling out of bed with a loud thud.

“Morning,” Felix said, voice particularly raspy and deep.

“Morning,” the other replied from somewhere below. “I think I just broke my ass.”

“I’m not a biology major but that doesn’t sound right.”

“I don’t care. It hurts.”

“Want me to kiss it better?”

“No!” Jisung exclaimed. “I get it, you like to eat ass.”

“Actually, I prefer—”

“Okay, too much information. I’m going to get dressed. Stay in your lane, freckles.”

“I don’t even have a driver’s license, so I can’t, sorry.”

“Brat.”

Later that day, they were back in the dorm, though there was a disturbing lack of Seungmin in the living room. Assuming he was in the library for something, they just started unpacking.

“I’m gonna miss sleeping in the same room with you,” Felix said. “Your snores were excellent lullabies.”

“The walls here are so ungodly thin here, you can probably still hear everything I do.”

“And everyone,” Felix added.

“I’ll genuinely move out if you don’t stop saying that type of—”

“Guys!” Seungmin came barging in. “I’m so glad you’re back. This one dude is giving a party for New Year’s Eve on Wednesday. You should come too!” 

“Who?” Jisung asked.

“I don’t know, some guy who’s doing a masters in music production. He’s friends with everyone here.”

“Jackson?”

“That’s him!”

“Yeah, I know him. He’s a friend of Chan’s. Felix, are you going?”

“I mean, I guess,” Felix said. “Anything to spice up my boring life. Maybe I can finally find a cute guy to go out with.”

“When did you become such a flirt?” Seungmin asked.

“Incheon does things to one.”

“Is that going to be the dorm’s next mystery? What happened in Incheon.”

“You just wait,” Felix said with a wink, which confused the other two plenty. To be fair, Felix himself didn’t quite know what he was on about, but it was funny to see Seungmin and Jisung go through all stages of grief within a few seconds.


	14. CHAPTER 13

Wednesday approached quickly, and so did the new year and Jackson’s party. Rumors were going around that he’d given Chan the duty of inviting a few bachelor students, whereas he himself only invited a few of his friends who were also doing masters studies. Apparently, the guest list was somewhere around twenty people. 

On Wednesday, Felix found himself trying to decide on an outfit for the night. He’d been informed that there would be music, so it had to be something he could dance in. Eventually he decided on a simple jean and a silky black button-up. He’d also somewhat peer-pressured Jisung into wearing the skirt with a pink cropped sweater, though Felix preferred the term ‘advised’.

Seungmin had already gone when they finally left the dorm and made their way up to the rooftop lounge that was originally designed for student association meetings, but where parties were also occasionally held. Felix had never gone to one before, and he was somewhat nervous as to how things would go down. His parents had warned him many times about the dangers of partying and alcohol and everything of the sorts. However, he couldn’t help the little flame of excitement that also burned in his chest.

The rooftop lounge was dimly lit and filled with students when they arrived; mostly guys, but also a few of the female students, since one of Jackson’s friends was acquainted with a bunch of them. Most invitations actually went via a friend via a friend, or something like that. Felix and Jisung were greeted by Changbin, who’d been the first to approach them. 

“Guys!” he yelled. “Jisung and Felix are here! Come say hi!” 

A chorus of hellos emerged from the crowd, and one tall man made his way through to greet them properly.

“Sup,” he said, patting both of their shoulders. “I’m Jackson. Chan’s told me a great deal about you both. Make yourselves at home; we’ve got drinks over there, the balcony is open, and Chan should start up the music any moment now.”

“Cool, thanks,” Felix said, scanning the room until he saw the familiar face of Seungmin, who was dressed in a blue button-up shirt. When Jackson walked away to talk to his friends, he and Jisung went over to their roommate.

“Hey Seungmin,” Jisung said. “Did we miss anything?”

“Not really.” He shook his head, then glanced over at the guy sitting next to him, seeming to remember something. “Oh, this is Jeongin, he’s a fine arts major. We met last week. I’ve been meaning to introduce you guys, but I didn’t get the chance.”

“Nice to meet you guys,” Jeongin said with a wide smile. “Seungmin told me you two spent Christmas together. Did you have a good time?”

“We did,” Felix said. “Right?”

“Absolutely,” Jisung agreed. 

“That’s great! Also, I really like your skirt.”

“Oh,” Jisung said, looking down at said skirt. “Thank you. It was actually Felix’s, but it didn’t fit him.”

“It suits you,” Seungmin said. “Maybe I should try on a skirt sometime.”

“You can borrow one of mine if you want to,” said a girl that was sitting on the opposite couch. “I’m Momo, by the way, Yugyeom over there invited me.” 

\- - - - - - - -

Midnight steadily approached, and with that, the music became louder, the people livelier, and the atmosphere happier. Felix was leaning against the wall with his cup of coke, determined to leave the alcohol until midnight. He could see the others on the dance floor. As it turned out, letting Chan be in charge of music had been a good choice. Said student actually let the playlist run for a while, and came over to Felix.

“Hi,” he said. “I don’t think we’ve properly been introduced.”

“I mean, we saw each other on the very first day of college,” Felix said, swirling his coke around. “In that sense, we’ve known each other for a while.”

“I guess. I’m Chan, third year music production bachelor student.”

“Felix. First year dance.” 

“You’re not from around here, are you? Foreign name and all.”

“I was born in Incheon,” Felix explained, “but I lived in Australia all the way through high school, and I like my English name a great deal better than my Korean one, so I go by Felix now.”

“Australia, huh? I’m actually from Sydney.” Chan smiled and elbowed Felix in the side. “It’s been a while since I’ve talked to other Aussies.”

“I can imagine you must be homesick.”

Chan hummed, and they watched the dance floor in silence for a while. “So, you’re gonna dance with Minho and Hyunjin for the competitions.”

“Yep.”

“We should meet up next week.”

“That’d be good, yeah.” Felix took another sip.

“So, Felix,” Chan said, turning to him properly. “Are you good friends with that kid Jeongin?”

“Not really.” He raised an eyebrow. “My roommate is though. Seungmin over there. Why?”

“Oh, nothing.”

\- - - - - - - -

A few minutes before midnight, everyone was crowded on the terrace. One of Jackson’s friends, named Mark, had poured everyone a bit of champagne into their red cups. Felix was looking out over the city. Some people were already firing their fireworks, and the lights were still on everywhere. The entire city was awake at that moment, and so was Felix. He looked around the terrace. Chan was clinging onto his best friend Bambam. Changbin was leaning against the rooftop’s railing with Hyunjin leaning over him, dangerously close. The girl named Momo was on the phone with someone, while simultaneously talking to another girl who’d introduced herself as Tzuyu. Only one person was missing: Jisung.

“Chan hyung,” he called. “Have you seen Jisung?”

“Nope,” the older said. “He’s been all over the place all night.”

Felix came to the conclusion that he was probably not near the edge of the rooftop, given his fear of heights. Thus, he ventured towards the doors again as people started counting the seconds until the new year.

Five.

God, where was that idiot?

Four.

There were two people talking to each other by the doors.

Three.

He’d recognize that skirt anywhere.

Two. 

“Jisung!”

One.

Minho pressed his lips against Jisung’s, pinning him against the wall and ghosting his fingers across his waist. Jisung slung his arms around the other’s neck, pulling him closer.

Fireworks erupted. Chants of ‘Happy New Year’. People exchanging hugs, sending texts to their families, people kissing.

Felix suddenly felt stone cold sober again, even though he’d chugged his champagne earlier. He watched as Minho of all people borderline made out with his best friend, going as far as to lift the younger up against the wall. And it shouldn’t make him feel as confused as it did. He should be yelling, “Get that dick, Jisung!” But all he felt was a mixture of anger, envy, sadness, and tightness in his chest.

Felix slammed his plastic cup down on the table. Jihyo, who was standing by the drinks, looked at him worriedly. “I’m tired,” he declared. “Can you tell the others that I’m turning in for the night?”

“Sure,” she said. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah.” He smiled. “I just think there’s no better way to start the new year than well rested.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol sorry


	15. CHAPTER 14

Of course Felix didn’t go to sleep when he came back to the dorm. No, he sat down on his bed and cried. With his blanket around his shoulders and his stuffed animal in his arms, he sent a text to his family, containing the typical “Happy New Year!” and a few emojis. His mom texted back, asking if he had a good night, and he responded with “Yes :D” even though the tears were streaming down his face.

The worst part was, though, that he felt like he had no right to cry. Why would he care if Jisung was kissing Minho? Man, he was miserable. He sent his parents a text saying he had to get back to the party, and fell backwards onto his pillow. All curled up, he finally allowed himself to let it all out. 

An hour or so later, he finally got up again and went to wash his face in the bathroom, but not before changing into his pajamas. Somewhat refreshed, he sat down at the table with a glass of water. He drank it slowly, flushing away the sour aftertaste of the drinks he’d had at the party. 

At a certain point during the night, the door clicked open, and noise flooded the dorm.

“Seungmin let me gooooooo,” came Jisung’s whiny voice. “I can walk… walk on my own!” 

“Sure buddy,” Seungmin said. “You’re drunk. Quiet down, Felix is asleep.

Jisung gasped. “He’s sleeping? Did you know Felix is really really cute when he sleeps—”

“I’m up,” Felix called from the kitchen.

“Felix!!” Jisung yelled upon entering the other’s sight. “Where were you? I wanted to look for you, but you were… you were away!”

“I was tired,” Felix said, trying not to pay attention to the way Jisung’s hair was disheveled and his skirt was all creased. “I went back to the dorm.”

“Should’ve stayed,” he said with a frown.

Seungmin came in from behind him, shirt untucked and shoulders hanging. “Yeah, you should’ve stayed. I could barely carry this idiot back on my own.”

“I’m sorry,” Felix averted his gaze.

“It’s okayyy.” Jisung stole Felix’s glass from the table and chugged it down all at once. “Aw, man. It’s just water. Did you know… that Minho has really soft lips? They look a bit like yours!”

Felix opened his mouth to say something, but was thankfully interrupted by Seungmin, who slung an arm around Jisung’s shoulder. “Let’s get you to bed, hyung.”

Together, they wrested the oldest to his bedroom and managed to get him to undress, which was undoubtedly easier than it should’ve been. With a grin, Jisung took his shirt off and said, “Are you guys about to kiss me?”

“You’ve gotten enough action tonight, trust me,” Seungmin said, snatching his shirt and folding it up neatly. “God, this place is a mess.”

Eventually, Felix had to gently coax Jisung into bed, because he was still determined to at least stay up, or as he’d phrased it, “We should have some fun together! We can go to the convenience store and buy spicy ramen!” 

However, as soon as his head had hit the pillow, Jisung had been out as a light.

\- - - - - - - -

“Why are you not asleep yet?” Seungmin asked Felix when they were back in the kitchen.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Ah.” He got a glass and filled it to the brim with water.

“Did Jisung make a fool of himself after I left?”

“He was glued to Minho-hyung, constantly asked where you were, and drank a lot, but nothing that could permanently hurt him.”

Felix hummed, watching as Seungmin chugged his water. 

“Why didn’t you say bye to us?” he asked. 

“I left right after midnight,” Felix said. “You were talking to Jeongin, and Jisung was busy making out with Minho-hyung. To put it short: I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“Right. I don’t know what that was about either. Jisung told me that he wanted to kiss his feelings away when we were on our way back.”

“He has feelings for Minho-hyung?”

“Sure seemed like it,” Seungmin chuckled. “Man, those two were all over each other. I mean, you saw.”

“Hmm. I’m going to head to bed.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Night.”

\- - - - - - - -

Felix woke up again after noon. He stumbled into the living room, to be met with the sight of Jisung lying flat on the couch. “Morning Sung,” he said.

Jisung groaned. “My head hurts.”

“Shouldn’t have drank so much then,” Seungmin said as he emerged from the hallway. “I got all of us hangover soup.”

“You’re a fucking blessing.” Jisung rolled off the couch and got to his feet.

“Thank you so much,” Felix said.

Only a minute or so later, they were sat around the table, eating their soup in silence. It was cozy like that, just the three of them, Felix thought. Seungmin seemed quite cheerful, which was odd, given the fact that he only could not have gotten a full night’s sleep. Jisung didn’t look all that happy, but his puffy cheeks and bed hair completely made up in cuteness. 

“Did I do anything to embarrass myself yesterday?” Jisung asked.

“Apart from trying to get Minho to fuck you and stepping on Nayeon’s toes while dancing, no,” Seungmin answered. “You’re a loud drunk, though. We found that out.”

Jisung coughed. “I fucked Minho?!”

“No. I mean, I guess you wanted to, but Minho insisted I take you to bed because you were drunk.”

“Oh thank God.”

“You were making out with him though,” Felix said. “Right when I wanted to tell you Happy New Year.”

“Ah, sorry. I think I vaguely remember making out with him. He’s got quite soft lips.”

“You told us yesterday when you came back,” Seungmin said.

“And I stand by it.”


	16. CHAPTER 15

“So you may wonder why I’ve gathered all of you here today,” Chan said, slamming his hands down on the table.

“I can assure you, all of us know why we’re here,” Minho retorted, leaning back in his chair.

“The inter-UC competitions,” Chan continued, not paying him any mind. “We need to make a song and choreograph a piece.”

“Thank you for stating the obvious. Did we really let this guy into our dorm just so he could boss us around?”

“Minho can you shut up for one second, please. I’m trying to channel my inner group-project leader.” Chan sighed. “So, first we need to decide which vibe we’re going with, and if we want to make an actual song or just a dance track. We’ve got full access a recording room, so neither is a problem.”

“I can’t sing for shit,” Felix declared.

“That’s a lie,” Jisung said. “You can sing and rap, you’re just insecure. Chan, as someone who’s familiar with all of them, they can all rap and sing.”

“A bit,” Hyunjin said from where he was sitting on the couch with his legs across Changbin’s. “Though I don’t know if I’m that comfortable with singing on stage.”

“We can prerecord everything. I mean, you’re going to need the energy to dance after all.” Chan wrote something down in his notebook. “Minho, you good with a song?”

“Sure,” Minho said. “We could go with a dark and sexy concept.”

“Me, sexy?” Felix laughed. “Hyung, I have never—”

“You can dance, I’ve seen you do it. I bet we could pull it off,” Hyunjin interrupted.

“I bet you could,” Changbin said, leaning over to give his boyfriend a little kiss.

“Alright then,” Chan said, rolling his eyes. “If you guys insist. I say we all try to come up with some lyrics by Friday and then we’ll meet up again here to see what we can make of it, yeah?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Minho replied. “But if Hyunjin and Changbin are going to be all lovey-dovey the entire time I’m going to drop out of the project.”

“Isn’t that a bit much to ask?” Jisung laughed. 

“I suppose,” he said with a wink.

Felix’s eyes darted back and forth between Minho and Jisung. They’d constantly been low-key flirting with each other ever since the party, and for some reason it bothered him.

After the meeting, Chan walked Felix and Jisung back to their dorm, not providing them with information on why he did. They spent the short walk in comfortable silence, nobody really feeling the need to say anything. Once they arrived, Jisung punched in the code and opened the door. Seungmin greeted them from the living room, and Chan opened his mouth so say something. 

“Seungmin?” he called. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

\- - - - - - - -

That night at dinner, Felix asked Seungmin what Chan had wanted. 

“He wanted Jeongin’s phone number,” he clarified. “Said he’s cute.”

“Everyone thinks Jeongin is cute,” Jisung said through a bite of food.

“Fair.”

After dinner, Jisung stood up and announced that he was going to go on a walk with Minho. Felix felt his shoulders tense up, but forced himself to breathe through it and calm down because he didn’t get to tell Jisung who he could hang out with or not. Still, the empty chair across felt wrong after he’d left. It was like there was this emptiness that was left behind. Seungmin went to do the dishes, while Felix just sat there for a while longer, zoned out and thinking about what Jisung and Minho could possibly be doing.

“Something’s bothering you,” Seungmin said from where he was busy loading the dishes onto the drying rack. “What is it?”

“I don’t know,” Felix admitted.

“It’s Jisung, isn’t it? You were so happy after you came back, but you’ve been out of it ever since New Year’s.”

“Maybe. I just don’t know how to feel about him hanging out with Minho all the time.” To be fair. It wasn’t the hanging out that bothered him, but the flirting that came with it.

“Why, though?” Seungmin was asking the exact question that had been running around Felix’s mind for days now. “I mean, you can just hang out with him whenever you want. Unless it’s Minho that’s bothering you, but that would suck, since you still have to do the inter-UC competition together. I guess it’s also normal to feel left out when your best friend constantly runs off with another guy.”

“No, you’re right. I should probably just suck it up, shouldn’t I? He’s allowed to have other friends.” Felix said, throwing his head back and staring at the ceiling.

“Or you could talk about it to Jisung and Minho. Communication should help.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so. They’re just going to hate me for being jealous without reason.”

“I’m just saying, it might make things better, or at least clearer. I don’t feel like you have a very good overview of your emotions,” Seungmin said, leaning on the counter. “Plus, Jisung and Minho are both very understanding. Especially Jisung wouldn’t leave you over something so trivial.”

“You think?”

“Of course not,” he reassured Felix, “After the party, he was absolutely gushing about how much you meant to him. He’d never be mad at you for longer than a few days.”

Something in Felix’s chest tightened, and he nodded. “I’ll think about it, but I’m probably just being dramatic and wound up from the impending studies coming up next week.”

“Yeah.” Seungmin plopped down on the couch. “Christmas break was nice, but I’m also excited to be back in the lecture halls.”

“I guess I’ve missed dancing,” Felix said. “Plus I’m looking forward to the inter-UCs.”

“I can imagine.” He turned on the television, settling for a quiz-show. “By the way, Jeongin is coming over tomorrow. Maybe invite Chan-hyung with the excuse of working on the competition or something. From what I’ve noticed, he’s absolutely whipped for Jeongin.”

“Seriously? I might.”

“Yeah dude. He kept staring our way at the party, and when he came over today he was constantly blushing while asking for his number.”

Felix chuckled. “I honestly didn’t take Chan for the type to be all flustered.”

“I just hope for him that Jeongin also thinks he’s cute.”

“Hot, rather.”

“You think he’s hot?” Seungmin snapped his head around to look at Felix. “Oh my, you think Chan-hyung is hot, don’t you?”

“I mean,” he started, “Chan’s definitely handsome, and absolutely ripped, you can’t deny that. I don’t see him in that way though.”

“He does work out a lot, it seems.”

“Man, I’d kill to have arms like that.” Felix sighed. 

“You’re muscular too,” Seungmin said, “That’s what dancing does to you.”

“There’s a difference between being lean and bulky.”

And so the two spent the rest of the evening bickering over what was required to make someone handsome, cute, or hot. It was quite nice, Felix found, to have something distracting him from the fact that Jisung was out there with Minho, going for a walk, maybe even doing other things together. It was a bit unasked for, though, that his mind kept wandering off to the time in the hotel, when Jisung slept shirtless. He couldn’t help but wonder if he did that in the dorm, too. 

Anyways. It didn’t really matter, right?


	17. CHAPTER 16

Felix was just about to head into bed when he heard the door unlock and creak open, a gust of cold wind coming in along with Jisung. Said man kicked off his shoes in the hallway and took off his jacket, shuddering and raking a hand through his hair to get out the snowflakes. Felix just stared at him, in awe by the red dusting his best friend’s cheeks, and the way he looked so cozy all wrapped up in his scarf. The scarf, however, came off, and Jisung finally took notice of Felix.

“Oh hi,” he said with the biggest smile on his face. “You’re still up.”

“Of course I am,” Felix said. “You want a cup of coffee? Tea?”

“Coffee would be amazing. God, it’s freezing outside.”

He couldn’t stop himself from replying, “Then you shouldn’t have gone for a walk.”

“It was nice,” Jisung protested. “Minho took me to get dessert and then we went to the park.”

“Sounds fun.” Felix closed the coffee machine with more force than necessary.

“Are you angry with me?” Jisung suddenly sounded less happy, sitting down on the couch and pulling his knees up to his chest. 

“No.” Felix turned on the machine, and its rumbling filled the dorm. “I could never be angry at you.”

“You seem angry.” 

“I told you, I’m not.” He took a fleece blanket off the couch and unfolded it so he could wrap it around Jisung. “There. You look cold.”

“I’m sorry,” Jisung mumbled.

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for,” Felix said as he carried two cups of coffee to the couch.

“I mean you’re obviously upset. I can hear it in your voice.”

Damn Jisung’s ability to sense his exact emotion at any time, Felix thought. But, instead of insisting any longer, he said, “You want to watch a movie?”

“Now? It’s late,” Jisung said, surprised. “You’re already in your pajamas.”

“We don’t have to.”

“No, I want to.”

“We’re not watching Howl’s Moving Castle again, though.” Felix sat down next to him, pulling the blanket across both of them, even though they still sat quite a bit apart.

“Fine,” Jisung grumbled. “Then let’s watch that other one. Your Name.”

\- - - - - - - -

By the end of the movie, both of them were nice and warm, having sat under the blanket and having finished their coffee. Jisung yawned, eyes crinkling, and fell over onto Felix’s lap. Felix froze, looking at the way his friend made himself comfortable on his thighs. His hair looked so fluffy from up there, so he slowly traced his fingers through it, making Jisung hum softly. His eyes were closed, and Felix sighed. 

“What’s wrong?” the boy on his lap asked.

“We have to go to bed if we want to have a reasonable sleep schedule by the time lectures pick up again.”

“That’s in two days. You seriously still have hope?”

“Well then what do you want to do?” Felix retorted.

“I mean, what is there to do around midnight?”

“You can do anything at midnight if you’re really determined.” 

“You want to head over to Changbin’s dorm? We can hang out with them.”

Felix stomach turned at the idea. It would be him, Jisung, Changbin, Hyunjin, and Minho. Of course Jisung would suggest something to do with Minho. 

“They’ve got a Wii with enough remotes for all of us to play. And we won’t have to wake Seungmin up.” Jisung really tried convincing him. 

“It’s cold though, and I’m wearing my pajamas.”

“They won’t mind. I mean I want to go but it’s no fun without you.”

No fun without him? A smile bubbled up in Felix’s throat. “Alright then. Let me get a hoodie though.”

\- - - - - - - -

Both of them were shivering in the cold by the time they were standing in front of the other’s door. Jisung had insisted they don’t call beforehand, in order to make it a surprise visit. With shaking fingers, he punched in the code (that Changbin had so unwisely given him) and opened the door. A tall figure immediately came speeding into the hallway, holding a spatula and donning an apron. 

“What the fuck?!” Hyunjin stared at them, Changbin and Minho sticking their heads around the corner as well. “Guys?”

“Hi,” Jisung said, doing jazz hands. 

“Come in, you must be cold,” Minho said, rushing over and physically pulling them inside. “Give me your jackets. I’ll hang them while you guys make yourself comfortable.”

“Thanks hyung,” Jisung said with a bright smile that made Felix’s heart wrench. Still, he gave his jacket to Minho with a somewhat formal expression of gratitude.

It was warm and cozy in the dorm, and the smell of cookies was overwhelming. The soft hum of the oven was a pleasant background noise. 

“Are you even allowed out here at this hour?” Changbin asked, handing Hyunjin a bowl to wash up. 

“Technically, no,” Felix answered. “But here we are.”

“Good luck getting rid of us.” Jisung grinned. 

“You’re not getting any cookies though,” Hyunjin said.

“Not even if we ask really nicely?” 

“Maybe,” Minho mused as he walked back into the kitchen. “But don’t tell anyone else that we baked them, because they’ll all come beg.”

“You have no sympathy for the poor cookie-starved people on campus,” Felix said with a grin. “Imagine how tough it must be, to live through this harsh winter without a single cookie.”

“Should’ve gone to the convenience store then.” Hyunjin shrugged. “They sell cookies there.”

“So you guys want to watch tv or something?” Changbin asked. 

“We already watched a movie,” Jisung said. 

“We could play Mario Kart,” Minho suggested. 

And that was how they ended up playing video games, three of them sat on the couch, and two of them on the floor. The cookies were phenomenal, Felix found out, once Hyunjin got them out of the oven and let them cool down before carrying some to the living room and sitting himself down on Changbin’s lap. It was nice, and their midnight activities only ended when Jisung got so tired that he fell asleep on Felix’s shoulder for a few minutes, and he had to take him back to their dorm. 

What pleased Felix most, was that there was barely any flirting between Minho and Jisung, apart from a few meaningful looks that he couldn’t quite decipher. Oh, and the fact that he beat all of them on rainbow road.


	18. CHAPTER 17

After a week of painstakingly getting back into the rhythm of lectures, seminars, practice, and study, it was finally Friday, and everyone was gathered in the recording studio. Jisung was sat at the desk, going through the lyrics they’d all written and combining all of them into one song. Felix watched from one of the chairs as his best friend scribbled down things in his notebook with that oh-so concentrated look on his face, and constructed a whole song in what seemed like record time to Felix. 

“Done!” he announced after maybe ten minutes of piecing the lyrics together. “Now we just have to do the line distribution.”

“Lemme see,” Chan said as he snatched Jisung’s notebook off the table, scanning over the (somewhat messy) handwriting. “This looks great. If you and Changbin can do the distribution, I’ll look through some tracks that I’ve already made and see if one fits the vibe.”

“Alright.” Changbin took the notebook from Chan, sitting back down between Hyunjin and Felix. “So what do you guys consider your strong points, voice-wise?”

“We should definitely use Felix’s deep voice to add to the vibe,” Jisung said before they could even answer.

Changbin hummed, and circled a few parts of the text. “Something like this might be suitable. Minho, are you comfortable rapping?”

“Sure,” he said. “I can rap. But maybe we can add a few vocals too.”

“Should work.” Jisung nodded. “Chan, what do you have?”

Chan took off his headphones. “This was the first thing I could find.”

A beat echoed through the studio, filling the air with strong bass tones and whiny high notes before a beat drop that followed a strong rhythm.

Minho tapped his foot along to the beat, fingers tracing shapes into his thigh. “This would make an amazing dance break.”

“So then we’ll use this one. Ji, can you give me the notebook for a second? I need to change some things to fit the lyrics. Or change the lyrics to fit the track, I suppose.”

“When are we going to record?” Felix asked. “I mean, it would be nice to finish as soon as possible so we can start choreographing.”

“Uh,” Changbin said. “I need to write a paper tomorrow, but if you guys practice enough over the weekend we could have the song finished by next Wednesday, with two recording sessions on Monday and Tuesday.” He turned to Chan and Jisung, who were bent over Chan’s laptop. “That work for you guys?”

“Sure,” Chan answered before dragging some things around on the screen. “I can finish the track tomorrow with some luck. I talked to my professor and he said he can make this count for my final evaluation. Maybe you guys should do the same.”

“Our professor already said anyone competing in the inter-UCs gets extra credit,” Hyunjin said, leaning his head on Changbin’s shoulder.

“What’re you all doing on the weekend anyways?” Minho asked. “Maybe we could hang out or something.”

“I’m sorry,” Chan replied immediately. “I have work to do tomorrow to I can hang out with… someone else on Sunday.”

“Alright Mr. Friends-With-All. Felix, Jisung? You guys up for something? Then we can leave the lovebirds alone in the dorm and let Chan go on his date in peace.”

“It’s not a date!” Chan yelled, a bit too loud. “Okay, maybe it is.”

“With whom?” Changbin asked. “Is it the cute kid from the party?”

“Maybe.” He blushed. “I may have asked him to go for a walk.”

Minho cooed. “Aww. How cute. But, Felix, Sung?”

Jisung’s eyes widened, sending Minho a look, which threw Felix for a loop.

“We could go to the ice rink.”

“Sounds fun,” Felix answered before Jisung could refuse.

“Someone’s going to have to hold Ji’s hand though,” Minho said with a wink. “Because his balance is way off.”

“I’m not holding anyone’s hand, hyung,” Jisung whined. “But if you guys insist, I’ll come.”

“Cool. Sunday, three o’clock. I’ll see you then.” Minho smiled and stood up. “Now, I believe I have somewhere to be. Bye!”

\- - - - - - - -

On their way to the ice rink, Felix couldn’t keep his eyes off Jisung—to be exact, his friend’s little sweater paws, because they were just so fucking tiny and cute. Minho lingered just a few steps behind them, carrying his skates. The laces of his own rubbed against Felix’s cold palms uncomfortably as he held on to them tightly. Jisung didn’t have his own skates, so he had to hire a pair. 

Minho had been right: Jisung’s balance wasn’t exactly the best, and Felix couldn’t stop himself from laughing softly when he went onto the ice behind him. Jisung immediately clung onto his shoulders with a desperate grip, making Felix almost fall over. Thankfully, Minho caught him from behind. Somehow, the eldest was incredibly stable on his skates. 

Despite his objections, Jisung did end up between the two of them, holding on to their hands and taking small steps on the ice rather than properly skating. Felix had to admit, it was kinda cute to see. Minho was desperately trying to explain to him how to actually glide across the rink, but Jisung didn’t seem to listen. 

They skated until Felix couldn’t feel his toes anymore, his nose was runny, and his fingertips were tingling inside of his gloves. He gently tugged Jisung along to get off the ice, watching the other’s face break into a bright smile when they made eye contact. God, that man could make his whole entire world light up. The three of them went over to a little bench, and Minho announced that he’d get some hot chocolate after sending Jisung a wink.

“Lix, I have to tell you something,” Jisung said when they were alone, fumbling with his gloves.

“Oh?”

“There’s this boy… that I like.”

“Wait, who is it?” Felix asked, leaning in closer. Something in his chest stirred. “Do I know him?”

“Well, it’s actually—” 

“Guys!” Minho yelled as he stumbled over with three hot chocolates in his hand. He grinned. “Oh, did I interrupt anything?”

“Jisung—” Felix was about to explain when his friend interrupted him.

“No, nothing. I’ll tell Felix later.”


	19. CHAPTER 18

“It’s Minho isn’t it?” Felix asked as he took Jisung’s jacket.

“Hm?”

“The guy you like. It’s Minho, right?”

“Oh, that,” Jisung blushed. “I… Well—” he sighed “—Yeah. How’d you know?”

“It’s not that hard to tell,” Felix said. His chest felt a bit empty, though it’d been so full of love and warmth that afternoon. Maybe he was just a piece of shit trying to stop his best friend from having a relationship. “You didn’t want to say it while he was around, and at New Year’s you were basically eating his face off.”

“Right, that.”

“Have you made a move yet?” He pulled a pack of instant ramen out of the cupboard and a pan. “I think he wouldn’t reject you. I mean, he keeps flirting with you.”

“Flirting?”

“The winks and… You know, all that.” The pan clattered onto the stove and Felix turned on the gas. “But, you plan on telling him anytime soon?”

“I don’t think so,” Jisung said softly from where he was sitting at the table. 

“Right.”

\- - - - - - - -

Jisung went to his room right after they’d finished dinner, and Felix could hear him falling down on his bed through the walls while he cleaned their plates. Seungmin wasn’t in the dorm for unknown reasons, probably still at the library. Felix’s head felt heavy, and he was sure that the hollowness in his chest was bound to end up as tears spilling from his eyes. 

Instead of giving himself time to think, he decided to clean his room instead, putting on Bluetooth headphones and blasting music into his ears on full volume. With cold hands he folded his t-shirts and trousers and put them back in their designated drawers, before moving on and making his bed, going as far as to tuck in every corner just to keep himself busy. By the time that he’d reorganized everything on his desk, he felt somewhat calmer, though still every time he thought of Jisung and Minho laughing on the ice rink earlier that day, he felt the same dread overwhelm him. 

Eventually, he gave up and lay down on his bed, messing up the perfectly neat duvet. He pulled out his phone, and scrolled through pictures for a while. His camera roll consisted mostly of saved memes, selfies that he’d taken with friends, and pictures of scenery. With a sigh, he put his phone away, and rolled over to go to sleep. He was still wearing his clothes, but in all honesty he couldn’t care less.

\- - - - - - - -

Felix woke up with stiff legs from sleeping in his jeans. He had a lecture later that day, and they were supposed to record their song for the inter-UCs that night. The lecture was less interesting than usual. To be honest, the whole world seemed to be less interesting than usual. He barely noticed the sun that shone through the branches of the trees, because he was constantly focused on the way his shoes sunk into the snow with every step, constantly looking at his own shadow instead of at the rest of the world. 

It was warm in the recording studio, where all six of them were present once again. Chan was spinning on his desk chair. “Felix, can you record your parts first?” he asked, upon which Felix hesitantly nodded and went into the recording booth.

Now, he’d never actually been in a recording booth before, and he was pretty sure his hands were shaking because of the nerves, but he was determined to do his best. Through the window, he could see Jisung and Minho on the couch, talking to each other with smiles on their faces. He took a deep, shuddering breath, shifting his gaze back to Chan, who gave him a thumbs up with a questioning look on his face. Felix nodded, and the track began to play in his headphones. 

Thankfully he’d rehearsed it enough to get his lines right, but Changbin still asked him to do it over a few times. When he was finally done, he walked out of the booth. Minho stood up and patted him on the shoulder before taking his spot in the booth. Felix sat down next to Jisung, where Minho had just been sitting. Jisung slung an arm around Felix’s shoulder and pulled him closer. “Well done, Lixie.” 

Felix hummed and closed his eyes, resting his cheek on Jisung’s collarbone. He smelled nice, like the cologne that always lingered in their bathroom. If it wasn’t for Minho’s singing and Chan, Changbin, and Jisung’s comments, he would’ve fallen asleep, Felix thought. At one point, Jisung started softly carding his fingers through his hair, and he was pretty sure he’d ascended as he let out a little sigh. 

“You’re tired, aren’t you?” Jisung asked when Hyunjin entered the booth last. Felix nodded into his shoulder. 

“Long day,” he whispered.

“We’ll go home after this and then we can cuddle on the couch—does that sound good?”

“Yeah. That’s good.”

“Alrighty.” Jisung pressed his cheek to the top of Felix’s head for a second, and then looked back up at Hyunjin, who was very absorbed in his rapping.

\- - - - - - - -

Jisung was on his phone, texting Minho while Felix snuggled into his chest. Felix could hear his heartbeat, which was a bit faster than usual, and the steady up-and-down of his chest made his eyes fall shut. Jisung slowly brought a hand down to rub shapes into Felix’s back, and he could’ve sworn he melted into his friend’s chest right then and there. He felt Jisung’s chest move a bit when he chuckled at something on his phone. Minho. Of course. Felix took a shuddering breath, trying to fight the tears that welled up in his eyes again. 

Jisung noticed. Of course he did. “Are you okay, baby?” he asked.

Baby. That was the very word that made the tears start running down Felix’s cheek. His tiny hands grabbed onto Jisung’s hoodie, and he desperately tried to stifle his sobs in the soft fabric. Trembling, he managed to shake his head against his chest.

“Oh sweetie, come here.” Jisung hoisted Felix up onto his lap and held the younger close to him. “It’s okay, let it all out, yeah?”


	20. CHAPTER 19

Felix woke up in his bed, which was relatively odd given the fact that the last thing he remembered was crying on Jisung’s lap on the couch. With a shock he realized that that meant Jisung must’ve carried him to bed—when did he become so strong? Pushing away the image of Jisung in the gym, he sat up, finding out that not only had Jisung carried him to bed, he’d also apparently helped him out of his jeans and t-shirt.

The hot blush on his face contrasted wonderfully with the ice cold air that hit his body when he threw the blanket off himself. He went to the kitchen, only to find that he was the only one still in the dorm. The clock had already passed nine o’clock, which meant Seungmin would be in a seminar, and Jisung—he didn’t know where Jisung was. A sticky note on the table helped Felix find out, though. It said, “Am in library with others. Come find me if time. Jisung <3”

He smiled a bit upon seeing the little heart, and folded the note before sticking it between the pages of one of his textbooks. He changed into something more presentable, and less pajamas, and then went to look for his best friend.

\- - - - - - - -

Felix saw Jisung before Jisung saw him: he was sitting at a table across from Changbin and Hyunjin, and next to Minho. They all had their laptops and a few books were scattered across the table, barely leaving room for the pens that were spilling from Changbin’s pencil case. Minho spotted him first and waved enthusiastically before leaning over to Jisung and whispering something in his ear that made him blush profusely.

Of course it was Minho that made him all flustered.

Felix ended up sitting down at the head of the table, between Minho and Changbin. “Hi,” he said. They greeted him back and continued their discussion about how music shapes dance, and not the other way round. 

“No, you don’t get my point,” Hyunjin insisted. “Music and dance go hand in hand, they cause each other. Without ballet, classical music wouldn’t have been what it is now. Do you even know how many pieces were written solely for dance?”

“Those are exceptions,” Jisung said back. “Usually someone composes a song, and then people choreograph a dance to it. I mean look at our project; we made the song first and then you guys are going to choreograph, not the other way round.”

“But the idea stemmed from the fact that we wanted to dance,” Minho said, “Therefore the music was created because of the want to dance. Our song is exactly what Hyunjin mentioned: a song written for a choreography.”

Jisung huffed. “Felix, what do you think?”

“I don’t know, I just woke up,” he said, folding his arms and resting his head on them so he could just see Minho’s left shoulder. 

“We should all do something together sometime,” Changbin said, patting Felix’s head. “Like, the six of us.”

“We should invite Seungmin though,” Jisung suggested. “And that Jeongin kid that Chan’s dating.”

“Chan’s dating?!”

“Yeah. This morning I saw him in the hallway and he ranted to me for five minutes about how cute Jeongin was on their little park date.”

Changbin and Minho snickered. “Maybe we should invite him then.”

“How about we see if we can meet up on the rooftop this weekend,” Hyunjin suggested. “So we won’t get kicked out of the dorm if anyone finds out.”

“Sounds good,” Felix mumbled into his elbow. He was still lying on the table, though his neck was starting to hurt. “But first we have to finish the song tonight.”

\- - - - - - - -

The recording that night went fine. Minho and Hyunjin went first this time, so Felix could keep his spot on the couch right next to Jisung, whose presence made him feel all warm and fuzzy. He blamed it on his fleece vest though. Once all of them were done, Chan fell back in his chair and whooped loudly, the others joining in not much later. Everyone was happy after two hours straight of perfecting techniques and recording.

“My legs are stiff,” Chan complained when he got out of his chair. 

“You’ve been in that chair for longer time periods before,” Changbin said. “You’re getting old, Mr. Bang.”

“The disrespect.” Chan shoved the chair under the desk and took a few deep breaths.

“Seriously though,” Minho said while stretching with his arms above his head. “We owe you guys. This is so much better than dancing to a song made by someone else.”

“Only for you guys,” Jisung said, ruffling Felix’s hair.

“You gays,” Hyunjin corrected. 

“Where’d you get the idea that I’m gay?” Minho asked, sounding indignant. “I am as straight as a ruler.”

Felix blinked a few times, eyes flickering back and forth from Minho to Jisung, who was busy rolling his eyes: “Straight like one of those bendy rulers.”

Minho scoffed. “Shut up.”

“Is any of us even straight at this point?” Chan asked. “I mean, Changbin and Hyunjin obviously aren’t. I’m not.”

“Gay,” Jisung declared. “I like men. People of the male gender. Adult boys. Humans that have grown up to find that they fit the traditional or contemporary masculine mold that society provides—”

“Thank you, Jisung,” he said. “I think we get it. I’ll send you guys the song tomorrow night and then you figure out the choreography.”

\- - - - - - - -

It was Friday night, and Felix had gone to the rooftop together with Jisung and Seungmin. So far, only Chan was there, who seemed to be having the time of his life unpacking the snacks and drinks that he’d bought. On the table, he could see an alarming amount of pizza boxes, at least two bottles of water and something akin to soda.

“They said we could do whatever we wanted,” Chan said when he noticed them. “But no alcohol or crime.”

“Damn,” Seungmin deadpanned. “Exactly the things that I was looking forward to.”

“Alright Mr. Criminal.” Jisung skipped past him and inspected the pizza boxes. “They’re still warm!”

“I just picked them up,” Chan explained. “Jeongin helped me carry them here.”

“Where is Jeongin anyways?” Seungmin looked around. “Did you tie him up somewhere in the basement or something?”

“What?” Chan’s face flushed. “Of course not! He said he wanted to change so he’ll be back in a few.”

“Cool,” Felix said. “I guess we just have to wait then.”


	21. CHAPTER 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EXTRA UPDATE TODAY IN HONOUR OF MY (POSSIBLE) VALENTINE'S DAY DATE AND THE FACT THAT MY PARENTS BOUGHT NUT MIX

“I just think that eight pizzas is way too much!” Seungmin said while taking another piece of Jeongin’s pizza.

“Chan-hyung bought eight so we could all have our own,” said boy complained, “Go get your own pizza, you little shit.”

Seungmin just huffed, reluctantly getting up and retrieving the last pizza box. All eight of them were situated on the floor, eating pizza and drinking from red cups filled with coke. Felix was sat next to Chan, across from Jisung and Minho. He had a pizza with salami, savoring the salty taste and washing it away with coke. Man, he’d missed just eating pizza like it was his last meal. Jjajangmyeon was great, but nothing could ever live up to the feeling of finishing a whole pizza. 

“So what should we do tonight?” Hyunjin asked from where he was leaning into Changbin’s side. “Because I don’t want to just sit here all night.”

“Truth or dare?” Minho offered. Next to him, Jisung groaned. 

“As long as it’s not fuck, marry, kill, I’m down,” Chan declared. “We should also put some music on. You guys good with dream pop?”

“I don’t know what dreampop is,” Hyunjin said. 

“Dreampop it is. Changbin, Jesus and Mary chain or Candy Claws?”

“Mid-Air Thief,” Changbin said. 

“That’s not dreampop,” Chan complained, but did end up searching for Mid-Air Thief on his phone. 

“Okay.” Jeongin propped himself up on his elbows. “Seungmin, truth or dare?”

“Truth,” he responded, earning a soft ‘coward’ from Jisung. 

“Most embarrassing moment in your life, go.”

“Uh,” Seungmin said, hesitating for a moment. “One time in high school I fell down the stairs in front of my crush. I ended up with a nosebleed and she offered me a tissue, upon which I panicked and refused, claiming that I could use my shirt to stop the bleeding.”

“Never took you for the stupid type,” Minho mused.

“You’d be surprised,” Jisung said.

“Truth or dare, Jisung,” Seungmin retorted, making the older perk up and look at him with big eyes.

“Dare, because I’m no coward.”

“Call your current crush and tell him you’re so head-over-heels for him that you’d lick his toes if he asked.”

Jisung coughed, sputtering out something that sounded vaguely like ‘I don’t have a crush’. Felix snorted, knowing that he was sat right next to his supposed crush. Minho also scoffed, rolling his eyes for some reason. Felix couldn’t quite pin down why, but to be honest, he didn’t really care either. He found himself caring surprisingly little about Minho, actually. Maybe not his best trait.

A few turns later, Chan made Minho kiss Seungmin on the cheek as a way to make up for his comment earlier about being stupid. Changbin told the story of how he’d fallen into a coma for a month in his first year, and Felix had to do a handstand against the wall for a full turn, which resulted in his head becoming red, his hair fluffy, and his shirt riding up. He made it though, and plopped down next to Chan again with aching shoulders. 

The mood worsened a bit when Jeongin, in his obliviousness, dared Minho to go out on the terrace in short sleeves and stay there for a full turn. It had sent Minho into an awkward silence, while Jisung got all defensive and explained his fear of highs to Jeongin, who apologized frantically. However, instead of being worried for Minho, Felix found himself only thinking about the way Jisung had grasped his shoulders and gone all out to protect him. Something about the whole gesture made an inexplicable emotion churn in his stomach.

Luckily, they were all back on track not much later, after Hyunjin had thoroughly embarrassed himself by speaking in detail about his collection of Sanrio underwear that he’d gotten for his birthday from a friend.

“Sung!” Hyunjin called. “Truth or dare?”

“Dare, obviously.” Jisung was lying on the floor with his hands folded underneath his head and legs crossed over each other.

“Kiss the most handsome person in the room.”

“Just say you want a kiss, Jinnie. I’d be glad to give you one.”

“Me? The most handsome one here?” Hyunjin scoffed. “Changbin is sitting right here, but you can’t kiss him.”

Jisung chuckled and sat up, before looking around the room and scanning everyone’s faces. He stood up slowly. “Define kiss?”

“On the lips, no tongue.”

“Right.”

Felix made eye contact with Jisung across the room, and he could feel his heart skip a beat. No, it couldn’t be him. Jisung was looking at him for encouragement, surely. Thus, Felix tried to flicker his gaze towards Minho as subtly as possible to give Jisung a hint. Jisung just frowned at him and crossed the room with determined strides. Minho whistled. For a second, Felix was sure that Jisung was about to kneel down and press their lips together, but then he shamelessly straddled Chan and pulled him into a kiss.

There it was again, that same feeling he’d had on New Year’s Eve. But as soon as Jisung pulled back and burst out laughing, it was gone. It had just been a dare, it was fine. Jisung squished himself between the Chan and Felix and slung his arms around both their shoulders.

“Why didn’t you kiss Minho?” Felix whispered into Jisung’s ear, louder than intended, because Minho started laughing.

“Yeah Jisung? Why didn’t you kiss me?” It was teasing, but Felix couldn’t help himself—he clenched his jaw and put an arm around Jisung’s waist to pull him closer. 

Jisung blushed and opened his mouth before closing it again and sighing. “Minho’s just too intimidating.”

“He said, dropping honorifics,” Minho mocked. “Bullshit. We all know that Jisungie himself is the most handsome here.”

The wink that followed really made Felix want to wipe that smug smirk off Minho’s face. He didn’t though, because he still had some self-composure left. Instead, he rested his head on Jisung’s shoulder, sinking into the other boy’s warmth. 

\- - - - - - - -

“Felix… Felix?”

Felix groaned and opened his eyes, being met with Jisung looking down at him. “You fell asleep.”

Felix groaned again and nuzzled Jisung’s neck, inhaling the homely scent. It was still the same as when they were kids, he realized. Back then, he used to get Jisung’s old clothes, until his growth spurt had catapulted him past the older. 

“What?” he mumbled. “’M tired.”

“I can tell. Minho wants to give you a dare.”

“Sure.” Still half asleep, Felix didn’t quite register Jisung’s exact words, and shifted his gaze so that he could look Minho in the eyes. 

“Three minutes of making out with the person in this room that you find most eligible as a boyfriend.”

That did manage to shake Felix from his daze, knitting his brow into a frown and blinking a few times in rapid succession. Most eligible? Oh man. So Changbin and Hyunjin were not an option. Neither was Minho, he decided. Chan and his relationship had gone in a brother-ish direction, so he was off the table too…

“You don’t have to if you’re uncomfortable,” Minho said carefully.

In a spur of recklessness, Felix replied, “No, I’m just thinking which one of you bastards is the most tolerable.”

So no Changbin, Hyunjin, Minho, or Chan. That left him with Seungmin, Jeongin, and Jisung. He didn’t know Jeongin well enough to mark him as eligible or not, and even though he loved Seungmin, he couldn’t imagine ever going on a date with him, let alone actually be together. For all he knew, Seungmin could be straight. That meant his last option was…

Jisung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEN DO Y'ALL WANT ME TO PUBLISH THE CHANGJIN SPINOFF DROP COMMENTS PLS


	22. CHAPTER 21

To be fair, Jisung was probably as close to boyfriend material as it was going to get for Felix. He was comfortable around him, they shared so many memories, there was barely anything that could pry them apart forever. Not even moving to another country, apparently. Felix thought back to the times that he and Jisung had pretended to be the parents of a family in elementary school. Playing pretend had always been a favorite of theirs. 

“So you gonna kiss anyone?” Chan asked. 

“Making out, hyung,” Minho corrected him. “Unless someone isn’t comfortable with that. But a kiss at least.”

“No,” Felix mumbled, staring at Jisung’s knee. “I’ll make out with someone. I mean, if he wants it.”

“Well, who is it then?” Hyunjin asked

Felix shyly looked up at Jisung, who was seemingly oblivious to the meaning behind the look. He chuckled. “Who will it be, Lix?”

“I think I’ll give you two some space,” Chan said, scooting over so he could sit next to Jeongin.

“Oh—” Realization dawned on Jisung. “You want to… want to make out with me?”

“Well,” Felix said, feeling heat rise to his cheeks. Almost in self-defense, he said, “Want is a big word. If it wasn’t for Minho, I wouldn’t’ve—”

“This is taking too long, I’m getting a drink.” Seungmin stood up with his cup, shoving Felix as he passed by them.

The kick against Felix’s back made him tumble forwards, where he just managed to catch himself in time to not bash his head into Jisung’s. What happened instead was arguably even more embarrassing, because he was leaning over his friend, faces mere inches away from each other. He could see Jisung’s eyes flickering down to his lips, and he swallowed hard. 

And he knew he shouldn’t do it. Jisung’s crush was sitting right there, watching them, egging them on. He should pull away and let Jisung go back to Minho, where he wanted to be, obviously. But there was something about the other’s lips. The way they were slightly parted, and the way his tongue ran across them briefly because they were chapped. 

So he did what he realized he had always wanted to do, and he leaned in.

Jisung’s lips were rough against his own, but it was a tender kiss, barely more than the ghosting of their mouths against each other. Felix could feel the other exhale, and pulled back for a second so he could look at him. Jisung’s eyes were wide and glossy, staring up at him with an expression of wonder almost. God, he was gorgeous.

“Was that supposed to be a kiss?” Seungmin teased, making Felix look up at him, turning away from Jisung. “C’mon guys, three minutes aren’t that short!”

“Yeah, Lix. You just gonna leave me hanging?”

Fuck. Jisung’s voice was husky, and he had clasped a cold hand around Felix’s neck, fingers teasing at his hair. Felix looked back down at him, eyes flickering over the smirk on his face. Oh man, he was desperate to just shut his friend up with a kiss. 

So he did. And as their lips pressed together again, Felix could feel Jisung’s grip tighten on his neck, nails digging into the skin. It was obvious that this wasn’t Jisung’s first time kissing someone, because even with the lingering taste of pizza on his lips, he still managed to make Felix’s stomach flutter. The younger soon gave up on being in charge, not being all too experienced himself. Jisung pushed himself upright, so that Felix was no longer hovering over him, but instead on his lap. Somewhere, someone whistled, but Felix couldn’t care less in that moment. He was too busy running his hands up Jisung’s (ridiculously broad) shoulders, past his neck and through his hair. He’d slicked it back, and the strands were greasy with pomade. When Jisung bit his lip gently, he couldn’t help but tug at it, earning a breathy chuckle from the older.

“Three minutes are up,” Chan yelled at some point. “But you two can get a room and continue if you want to!”

Jisung broke away first, laughing. Felix stayed on his lap, giggling into his shoulder. He felt all warm inside, though maybe that was just the other’s body temperature. 

“Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?” Jisung joked, punching Felix in the shoulder. “Whoever ends up with you is gonna have a good time.”

Whoever ends up with you. Felix rubbed his shoulder, thinking over the statement. It sent him for a loop. Something about it made his stomach drop and his shoulder slump. The back of his neck was still cold from where Jisung had gripped him.

“Says you,” Minho said with a wink.

Jisung sent him a wink back, once again making Felix swallow harshly, but this time in a bad way. The elder’s lips were still swollen, he noticed, and his hair fell down in a disheveled way. Maybe three minutes had been shorter than he’d hoped. 

“You gotta continue the game, Felix-hyung,” Jeongin said, “before Jisung and Minho end up making out as well.”

\- - - - - - - -

It was late. Felix had turned in together with Seungmin and Chan before the others, leaving the others to themselves on the rooftop. The curtains were closed, and he felt empty. He lowly reached up to drag his hand across his face. It still smelled like Jisung’s pomade, reminding him of their kiss. He sighed. After his dare, Jisung had gone back over to Minho, leaving him cold and alone. His hands subconsciously gripped his pillow tighter, holding it close to his chest. He wondered what it would be like to hold someone close while sleeping. 

Felix hadn’t expected to fall asleep, but the way he jolted awake shortly after midnight proved that he had, in fact, been asleep. It was just that Jisung had apparently come back to the dorm and was loudly stumbling into his room. Felix heard the other change into his pajamas. Then, everything was silent for a while, until the soft patting of bare feet filled the hallway, and a soft knock sounded at Felix’s door.

“Hm?” he hummed.

The door creaked open, and Jisung came tiptoeing inside before standing by Felix’s bed. He looked a bit sad and tired, with droopy eyes and floppy hair from washing out the pomade. “Cuddles?” he said softly.

As an answer, Felix scooted over and lifted his blanket.


	23. CHAPTER 22

Felix, Hyunjin, and Minho were in one of the dance studios. Their own voices echoed through the room, ‘Wow’ blasting from Hyunjin’s speaker. Minho was running the other two through the choreography he’d apparently made up at midnight a few days ago. They made a few changes here and there, modifying it to fit their individual styles, and all making their own part of the dance break. It was fun. Of course it was, dance was Felix’s passion. Still, he couldn’t quite keep his head in the game. 

It had only been a few days ago that he’d kissed Jisung and cuddled with him on the same night, but still the older insisted that he was crushing on Minho. Yet, Felix was still able to remember exactly how Jisung looked beneath him, and he almost found himself sad that it had only lasted for such a short moment. Every time he thought about it, he had to remind himself that it had only been a dare. Jisung never would’ve kissed him if it wasn’t for the atmosphere of the night and the game of truth or dare. 

He was so lost in thought, that he almost forgot to start his solo part in the dance break, and started nearly two beats too late. He could hear Minho sigh.

“What’s gotten into you lately?” Minho asked, turning off the music abruptly. “You seem out of it.”

“I don’t know,” Felix admitted between heavy breaths. He wiped the sweat off his brow, and crouched down on the floor. “I guess I’ve just been thinking a lot.”

“Anything in particular?”

Felix hummed, catching the water bottle that Hyunjin tossed him and taking a large gulp. “Things.”

“Come one, if you don’t tell us more specifically, we can’t work through this block.”

“I’m sorry,” he said timidly. “I just don’t really feel comfortable talking about it.”

“That’s okay,” Hyunjin said, sending Minho a warning look. “Nobody needs to talk about things they don’t want to talk about. I know what that’s like, and it’s not fun. Let’s just do the choreo from the top again, yeah?”

“Alright,” Minho said. “Get into formation. We’re going all the way from beat one again.”

\- - - - - - - -

After their practice, all three of them were on the brink of exhaustion, with sweaty shirts sticking to their backs and hairs falling flat across their foreheads. Hyunjin raked a hand through his, cursing himself for not tying it up earlier. Felix chuckled softly, falling back on the floor, which was nice and cool against his skin. Ever so slowly, they stood up and got ready to go back, but not before at least chugging a bottle of water each and eating the cookies that Felix had taken. 

“Seriously though,” Hyunjin said as they were walking back to the dorms. “If you ever need someone to talk to about… whatever… Changbin and I are always there, yeah? Minho too, he just doesn’t quite know how to come across as nice. Chan too. He’s an amazing listener.”

“Thanks,” Felix said, pulling his sweaty headband off his forehead. “I really appreciate that, but I feel like this is something I have to figure out myself.”

“Even then,” Minho butted in, “You don’t have to carry all the weight. You can figure it out yourself, but telling someone still helps.”

Felix hummed. Maybe it would help. The thing was, though, that he didn’t even know what the hell was going on with him. All he knew was that it had something to do with Jisung. He was still half convinced that it was just him being a jealous asshole and not wanting to accept that Jisung would ever want to hang out with others.

God, why was life so complicated?

He said goodbye to Minho and Hyunjin when they reached the third floor, taking the door to the left so he could get to his dorm. He’d been so dumb to not wear a jacket on his way back from the studio, leaving him ice cold but sweaty. With shaking fingers, he punched in the code and went inside. 

“Hi,” Jisung said, staring at him from where he was stood in the middle of the hallway. Felix could almost feel his eyes drifting from his face to his toes and back again. “I was just… heading out.”

“Where?” he asked, still not moving from the doorway, though the cold air outside was making it really hard for him not to escape into the warm safety of the dorm.

“Changbin’s dorm. I promised him, Minho, and Hyunjin that I’d drop by today.”

“Oh.”

“You can come too,” Jisung said, shrugging his shoulders and raising an eyebrow. “I mean… if you want to shower first that’s fine, but it’d be nice to have you there I guess.”

Felix hummed, dropping his bag and kicking off his shoes. “You gonna try to seduce Minho again?”

It pained him to say that sentence, but Jisung’s flushed face sent an even stronger sting of pain through his chest. Worse than the cold, certainly.

“I’m not—” he protested. “I don’t seduce people.”

“Maybe you should try.” Felix was aware of how cold he sounded, but decided to blame it on his tiredness. “I’m sure Minho would fall for you if you did.”

“You are?”

“Yeah.” 

With that, he went to find fresh clothes, brushing past Jisung. All the while, he was painfully aware of the elder’s eyes on him, and the way he was definitely about to cry. Well, at least it’d be easy to hide in the shower, he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE IT SNOWED AT NIGHT AND IT'S SO PRETTY OUTSIDE


	24. CHAPTER 23

Felix knocked on the door the dorm. He quickly touched his fingertips to his eyelids. They didn’t seem too swollen, which was good. A few yells and laughs came from inside before Minho yanked open the dorm.

“Hi Felix!” he said. He was smiling brightly, teeth showing. If he’d been any happier himself, Felix would’ve thought it cute. “Come in! Jisung told me you were coming over.”

Jisung was sitting on the couch, legs stretched out across Changbin’s lap. Hyunjin sat on the floor between them. “Hi Lixie!” Jisung yelled. The nickname sparked a little smile in Felix, and he walked into the dorm. He took is shoes off and strolled into the living room with his hands in his sweatpants’ pockets. 

“We were watching a movie,” Changbin said. “You wanna join?”

“Sure,” Felix said. Meanwhile, Jisung had sat up and was patting his lap. Felix blinked at him a few times. Why would he—oh. 

“You want me to sit in your fucking lap?” he asked, tone a bit ruder than he’d intended.

Jisung’s shoulders immediately slumped. “You don’t want to?”

“Ask Minho instead,” he murmured, sitting down in the far corner next to Changbin instead. Holy shit—what had gotten into him? As soon as he hit the couch’s back rest, he regretted saying that. Especially because Minho actually sat down in Jisung’s lap, causing him to let out the cutest little ‘oof’ that had Felix’s head spinning. 

“Are you angry at me?” Jisung asked softly when he rested his chin on Minho’s shoulder. “Did I do something wrong. Oh, I should’ve waited for you earlier, right? I’m so sorry, I didn’t think you’d ac—”

“It’s okay,” Felix said, though his voice was still deeper and more condescending than usual. Mentally, he punched himself. With a little bit of composure, he continued, “I’m not mad. Just tired.”

“You don’t want cuddles then? You always used to want hugs when you were tired…” Jisung trailed off, jutting his lower lip out a bit.

Felix seriously wanted to beat himself up, but his subconscious once again replied before he could think. “I bet you’d rather have Minho’s hugs. In your lap must be even better, huh? Don’t mind me, I’ll just be very obviously not okay while you get it on.”

“What—” Jisung’s voice broke. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Minho said. He stood up, suddenly towering over all of them. “Just fucking leave if you’re going to be rude. Or at least leave Jisung the fuck alone. Nobody wants your negativity. I don’t care that you’re friends or whatever, you are not hurting Jisung on my watch. You have no fucking clue what—” 

“Just like I thought,” Felix said softly. He stood up with aching legs, and an aching heart. “Of course. Why would anyone want me to be here? I’ll just leave, okay?”

“Maybe you should,” Changbin interfered. “Jisung doesn’t deserve this. You can come back when you’ve regained your sanity. And don’t bother knocking on the door unless you’re explicitly invited.”

“Oh I won’t,” Felix said. He still sounded angry, though he could already feel the tears welling up in his throat. He didn’t even bother putting on his jacket and shoes, simply taking them and walking outside, into the freezing cold. On his socks. Without a jacket. Without Jisung…

Where should he go? He didn’t want to go back to their dorm. What if Seungmin was there, and asked him what was up? He thought back to what Hyunjin had said earlier that day. That if he ever needed someone to talk to, they’d be there for him. He scoffed to himself as he continued walking through the cold hallway on his socks. Changbin, Minho, and Hyunjin surely didn’t want him to talk to them about their problems anymore.  
Chan on the other hand…

\- - - - - - - -

“Spill,” Chan said as he placed two cups of steaming hot tea on the coffee table. Felix was on the couch, holding his head in his hands and trying to ground himself by breathing through deeply. Spill—what in God’s name was Chan expecting him to spill? Fuck, he didn’t even know why he was upset. He thought back on the events earlier. 

“I’m a bad friend,” was what he eventually decided on. 

“What makes you say that?” Chan blew on his tea, making the surface ripple. Something about his English comforted Felix. It sounded like home. Man, he missed Sydney.

“I got mad at Jisung for no reason,” he whispered. There was a feeling akin to embarrassment rising in his chest. The lump of tears from earlier was still stuck in his throat, and his breathing hitched a few times while speaking. “And Minho, but I didn’t say anything to him out loud.”

“You’re this upset over a little fight you had with Sung?”

Phrasing it like that, it did sound somewhat ridiculous, like he was overreacting. And maybe he was—after all, they had only argued for a really short time. Still, this thing between Minho and Jisung that irritated him in the first place had been going on for much longer. 

“I just hate that he keeps flirting with Minho. I mean, I just got him back as a friend, and he’s already all over someone else. And he has a crush on Minho, and what if I end up without him? He’s all I have, Chan…”

“He likes Minho?” Chan asked, surprised. “Hm. Interesting. You do know he’s not all you have, right? You have me, Seungmin, even Jeongin said he likes you. No one hates you, I promise. Friends fight sometimes, and that’s okay. Bambam and I get into arguments all the time, but we’re closer than ever.”

“I bet you don’t get jealous though, when Bambam hangs out with others or has a crush on someone. It’s different, because it’s really scary for me. The thought of losing him.”

“Jealous, huh? You won’t lose him, ever. Do you know how much he cares about you? A lot, Lixie. He’s not gonna let you go over a petty little fight you guys had.”

“It’s not just a petty little fight though,” Felix said timidly, with his hands wrapped around his mug.

“Well then, tell me everything. From start to finish. I want to know what’s going on, so I can help you. Jisung and I have one thing in common, and it’s that we don’t ever want to see you sad.”


	25. CHAPTER 24

“So you and Jisung were childhood friends, you moved away, met again here, and became friends again?” Chan set down his empty mug after Felix was finished telling his story.

“Yeah,” he mumbled.

“And you got really upset after New Year’s? When he and Minho were making out?”

“Yeah…”

Chan hummed softly. Felix could feel him looking at him. He could probably tell that he’d been on the verge of tears. With trembling hands, Felix rubbed his eyes.

“Are you sure you don’t just like him?” Chan asked.

“Of course I like him,” Felix said, confused. “Why would I not like my friends?”

He sighed. “Oh Felix. I meant that you might have a crush on him. As in like him romantically.”

Felix opened his mouth to say something, but immediately closed it again. That couldn’t be true, could it? He had never seen Jisung as anything else than his best friend. Sure, maybe a bit more than friends, but still not in a romantic way. More like soulmates. “I don’t think so?” he whispered.

“Did you like it when he kissed you?”

Felix choked on his tea. The kiss. He’d almost forgotten about because he was panicking so much earlier. It was the first time that he was asked whether he’d liked it. When he’d recovered from choking, he thought about it. Of course he’d liked the kiss—Jisung was a good kisser. That was not an opinion, right? Jisung had experience and nice technique, so anyone would’ve liked that kiss. 

“Anyone would’ve liked that,” Felix stated. “He’s a good kisser.”

“That’s not my question,” Chan said with a raised eyebrow. “I’m asking if you liked the kiss, not if it was objectively a good kiss. Did it—and excuse the cliché—set a fire alight in your heart? Did you enjoy it when he pulled you into his lap?”

“I mean…” Felix began. “I guess.”

“Oh man, you’re so thick.” Chan sighed exasperatedly and threw his head back. “You liked it, didn’t you? You wanna do it again. What did you feel when he kissed me before that?”

“I was annoyed,” Felix said immediately, only realizing a second later how stupid that sounded. “I mean… I thought he was going to kiss me, because I’m obviously… the most handsome person? So I was…”

“Yeah, you were jealous. Felix, you fucking like him.”

“I don’t,” he replied, but the little voice in the back of his head and the blush on his cheeks begged to differ. “He’s just a friend.”

“A friend that you kissed, get jealous over, and have several times cuddled with overnight.”

They were silent for a bit, Chan patiently waiting for Felix to reply. He appreciated it, that he wasn’t being rushed into saying anything by Chan. It greatly annoyed him when people tried to force him into talking.

“He likes Minho though,” was the cleverest thing he could come up with in the end. “It’s not going to work out anyways, so why act on it?”

“I’m not saying you have to act on it,” Chan said. “But talking it out with him and Minho is probably good. Not even necessarily about the fact that you like him, but just about what happened earlier. You don’t want to walk around with that bothering you too.”

Felix hummed. Maybe it was a good idea to talk it out with them. He for sure wasn’t ready to tell Jisung that he liked him. That was, if he even liked him. It made sense, Felix thought, after Chan had explained it. Still, what if he didn’t actually like Jisung and was just a jealous bastard? 

“I’ll talk to him when I go back to the dorm. He has to sleep there in the end, right?”

Chan flashed him a little smile—an approval of sorts, he supposed. “You wanna stay here for dinner? Yugyeom and Bambam should be back soon, and they said they’d bring takeout.”

“That would be nice,” Felix said. “I mean, if it doesn’t bother you or them.”

“Oh, no, absolutely not! You’re great company. I’ll just text them to pick up a bit more.”

“Thanks.”

\- - - - - - - -

Felix woke up in his living room the next morning. He groaned, rubbing his eyes and squinting against the light. For a second, he couldn’t remember how or why he got there, before realizing he must’ve fallen asleep while waiting for Jisung to come home. His stomach dropped.

“Morning.” Seungmin’s voice startled him.

“Did Jisung get back?” he asked.

“I don’t think so. Probably slept over at the others’ dorm. Why?”

“Oh, nothing,” Felix said. Of course it wasn’t nothing, but Seungmin didn’t have to know the whole story. “I just needed to talk to him.”

Seungmin hummed. “Try seeing if he’s in the recording studios. Chan-hyung told me he’s there most of the time.”

“You talk to Chan a lot?” Felix stood up. His neck and shoulders were stiff from sleeping on the couch.

“Not really, but I third-wheel sometimes when he’s with Jeongin.”

“Ah… how is Jeongin by the way?”

“Oh, he’s fine. Same old Jeongin as always. He’s a bit of a brat though. Playing hard-to-get with Chan-hyung.”

Felix nodded absentmindedly. He didn’t really take in any of the information that Seungmin was giving him, but was thinking about Jisung instead. Had he really stayed over at Minho’s?

“I’m going to go see if I can find him,” he said. He was almost glad that he’d slept in his regular clothes, because he could just wash his face, put on deodorant, and go. 

\- - - - - - - -

Felix softly opened the door of the last studio that he hadn’t checked yet. The lights were on inside, and Jisung’s bag was disposed underneath the desk with equipment. 

“Ji?” he asked, going in. “You here?” 

He caught sight of Jisung, inside of the recording booth. His eyes were closed, and he had headphones on, completely immersed in his recording. Felix couldn’t hear what he was rapping, but the other seemed extremely invested in the lyrics, to the point where he didn’t even notice his presence. Patiently, Felix waited for Jisung to finish, simply watching him as he recorded in his way too large hoodie.

When Jisung was done, his chest was heaving. It must’ve been a fast rap verse for him to be out of breath after recording it. He blinked a few times, opening his eyes, and finally noticing Felix standing in the middle of the studio. His mouth closed, and he swallowed harshly. 

“We need to talk,” Felix said when Jisung came out. 

“I think we do, yes.” There was none of the usual brightness in Jisung’s voice. Instead, it was dull and raspy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget to eat nd drink water kids! i'll be stopping the daily updates and switching to a schedule of MON/WED/SAT because we're reaching the end of what i've prewritten, and i am not able to write a chapter a day, i'm afraid. hopefully this will work, and if i skip an upload it just means the chapter isn't finished yet and i need another day or two. thank you for understanding!  
> also if anyone wants to you can follow/add me here:  
> twitter - j_poetatoes  
> snapchat - cjs4419
> 
> ciao my loves <3


	26. CHAPTER 25

“So… about yesterday—” Felix started. They’d walked to the cafeteria in silence after Jisung had insisted he wanted something to eat. Thus they were sitting there, Jisung eating his slice of cheesecake and Felix fiddling with the strings of his hoodie. Around them, other students yelled, ate, talked to each other, and worked. Everyday life was just going on for them. To Felix, it didn’t feel that way. 

“About yesterday,” Jisung repeated. He stuffed his cheeks with cake, signifying very clearly that he wouldn’t be talking for a while, giving Felix a green light to do so.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t’ve gotten mad. It’s just, I… I’m so stressed and confused lately, and I know that’s not an excuse to snap like that, but I just want you to know that… that I didn’t do it on purpose, I guess.”

Jisung swallowed. “Thank you.”

“And I’m sorry that I said those things, because I know you like Minho, and I shouldn’t have said things about him because you haven’t told him yet. And when they got angry at me—”

“It’s okay.”

“What?” Felix looked up at Jisung, who was stabbing at his cheesecake in an attempt to get some more on his fork. Why would it be okay? It clearly wasn’t—

“I think we’re both having a hard time. I forgive you, Lix. Yeah, you shouldn’t have done that, but it’s okay. I also shouldn’t have let a little fight like that affect me so much.”

“But… I hurt you, and I don’t… I didn’t have a reason to.”

“And? It’s a part of friendship. The only reason why Changbin and Minho got so protective was because right before you entered we were talking about… things.”

“Things, huh?” It made Felix feel a bit queasy that Jisung had been talking about things with the others, as if he didn’t want to talk about them to him. As if he didn’t feel safe doing so. 

“And I was so happy to see you, but then you said those things, and I…” Jisung’s voice halted. “I just wasn’t in the right headspace to handle it.”

“I’m sorry…” Felix said, again. “But, what were you talking about then? You know that you could’ve come to me, right?”

Jisung inhaled sharply. His fork clattered against the plate when he put it down. “We were talking about my love life.”

“You confessed?!”

“What? No.”

“Then why…”

“It’s just that…” he swallowed harshly, shoving the empty plate away from him. “I don’t actually like Minho. It’s… someone else?”

Felix froze. Someone else. Jisung didn’t actually have a crush on Minho, but on someone else. What if it was him—if he actually liked Felix? No, that couldn’t be, right? He probably liked Chan, or someone else from his major. There was no way that Jisung would like him. 

“Who?” he asked.

Jisung went quiet. He seemed to be contemplating something. “I don’t… I’m not really comfortable telling you.”

Oh. So he really didn’t trust Felix enough to tell him that. Okay then. Felix folded his fingers together, ignoring the press on his chest and the nagging feeling of sadness. “Okay,” he managed, though his voice cracked ever so slightly. “I won’t nag then.”

“Thanks,” Jisung said in a soft voice. “Should we… do you want to show me the choreography to Wow?”

“Not right now,” Felix replied. His legs were still aching from the day before. (And his heart was aching too, but of course he couldn’t say that.) “I’m still sore.”

“Tomorrow then? I really want to see it.”

“Ask Hyunjin or Minho. Maybe they’re not sore.”

Jisung pressed his mouth shut, making his cheeks jut out a bit. “Okay I guess.”

“I’m glad we talked this over,” Felix said, even though he was feeling anything but happy at the moment.

“Yeah. I’m gonna go ask Hyunjin then or something. You have another lecture right?”

Felix hummed in agreement.

“Cool. I’ll see you… tonight then?”

“Yeah. Tonight.” Felix stood up, and walked away without another word. God, he wanted nothing more than to just sleep. Maybe that would solve his problems. Maybe he would wake up with a perfect understanding of his own emotions.

\- - - - - - - -

That same day, in Felix’s lecture, he found a familiar face ending up next to him. Kali had sat down on the chair next to his, pulling out an old Dell laptop and opening it. “Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” he replied, somewhat stunned to see her again. Somehow they never really talked to each other—partly because Kali tended to hang out with her other friends a lot, and partly because Felix was always way too wrapped up in his own personal misery to have time for underdeveloped side characters. But there she was, blinding him with the ridiculously high brightness of her laptop screen.

“Have you finished our assignment on folk dance yet?”

“We had an assignment?” Felix asked, ever so up-to-date with homework. His head felt heavy, and he wars really not in the mood.

“Yeah. We have to write a paper on traditional Korean dances for next Friday. Two thousand words minimum.”

“Shit,” he offered. “I didn’t know that.”

Kali turned her laptop a bit so he could read the assignment in one of her e-mails. “We can work in pairs. You wanna do this together?”

“Uh…” Felix blinked at her a few times. Her high energy levels threw him off, especially after what had just happened with Jisung. Either way, it was a welcome distraction from his problems. “Sure. Why me though?”

“You’re nice. Any other questions?”

“No?”

“Alright. Let’s meet up in the library on Wednesday after our seminar, and we can go over the assignment, yeah?”

“That’s tomorrow.”

“Right. Tomorrow.” Kali flashed him a charming smile, and slid her laptop back, opening a different program—one for note-taking. That was smart of her, Felix realized, since the lecture was about to start. He hastily pulled out his own laptop and opened up Google docs, specifically the one document in which he stored all of his notes, regardless of topic or date or… whatever. They were just notes. He’d gotten through high school without ever really taking efficient notes, so he could do it again, right?


	27. CHAPTER 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> early update because i'm bored and when have i ever really stuck to a schedule? (answer: never.)

“So they had mudang-chum, which were shaman dances; they had talnori, a type of performance using masks that is still done up to this day, and…” Kali waved her hand in front of Felix’s face. “Felix? Yeehoo, Felix?”

“Sorry,” he said, head shooting up from where he was staring at his keyboard. “Continue. You said you found an article or something?”

“No, I found a paper, actually. It wasn’t about dance, but about homosexuality and gender and how that is portrayed in Korean pop culture, but it mentioned talnori, and I thought it would be interesting to dive into how talnori and societal roles connect.”

“Right. So, Korean folk dance: talnori and its relation to societal roles in theatre?”

“Yes, something like that. I’ll e-mail you the pdf, alright?”

Felix nodded, opening his browser to pull up his mailbox. After a minute or two, a new mail popped up there, containing a link. He clicked it to open the paper Kali meant. “Unmasking Queerness: Blurring and Solidifying Queer Lines through K-Pop Cross-Dressing, by Chuyun Oh and David C. Oh?”

“Yup.”

He scrolled a few pages down. “So where do they discuss talnori?”

“Around page twelve. I’ll see if I can find more research and stuff on talnori—talchum, stuff.”

They sat in silence for a while, the only sound being the clacking of Kali’s keyboard as she typed away.

“There are a few sources in the citations that we could use,” Felix said when he’d finished skimming over the document. “Something about symbolism of ornaments and props used in mask plays, and something on rediscovering traditional Korean performing arts.”

“Nice. I sent you a google document. Just drop them in there and we can check them out later.”

Felix hummed, changing to Chrome again.

“It’s also getting late,” Kali said. To be fair, their seminar had ended at five o’clock, and Felix was getting quite hungry. He imagined it couldn’t be too different for her. “And I was still going to take my friend out, so I think we should wrap this up?”

“Sure. I can make a list of tasks and then we can divide those between us. You go have fun with your friend.”

“Thanks.” She flashed him a smile before starting to pack up her things. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Bye!”

\- - - - - - - -

It smelled like food in the dorm. Jisung was sat at the table, scrolling through his phone while he shoved instant noodles into his mouth. His eyes were fixated on the screen, wide and sparkling. Softly, he hummed a strange melody that Felix had never heard before.

“Hi,” Felix said. He dropped his bag on the couch before going into the kitchen himself.

“Hi,” Jisung replied, briefly looking up from his phone. His voice was warm, soft. A shiver ran up Felix’s spine.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Fine. There’s more instant noodles in the cupboard on the far right if you want.”

“Thanks.” Felix took out a packet of ramen and filled the water cooker so he could make himself some food. Not too long after, the sound of boiling water filled the dorm, and another few minutes later he had his own bowl of noodles. 

He sat down across from Jisung and emptied the sauce packet that came with the noodles. Jisung had already finished his food, and was busy typing away on his phone.

“Jisung?” Felix asked.

“Hmm?”

“Are the others still mad at me? I don’t want to… I don’t want it to be tense between me and Minho for the inter-UCs.”

“They’re still a bit pissed, but that’ll probably be over in a few days. I’m texting Minho right now, actually.”

Of course he was texting Minho. Still, it didn’t quite bring up the same feeling of envy in Felix’s stomach as it would’ve a few days ago. Jisung gasped at a text he received before hastily typing something back with a frown on his face. 

“What’s going on?” Felix asked, eyes fixated on the way Jisung’s fingers darted across his screen.

“Nothing!” Jisung slammed his phone down on the table so he couldn’t see the screen. “I’m going to their dorm tonight. We wanted to… watch a movie.”

“Oh.” It stung. “Okay.”

“You wanna come along?”

“Not really,” he confessed, sure that he wouldn’t be able to look them in the eye for at least another five days. “I don’t think they want to see me.”

“Please?” Fuck. How was he supposed to resist Jisung’s irresistible puppy eyes? He was looking at Felix with a tilted head and a slight pout—an expression that he was undeniably soft for.

“Fine.” He sighed. “But if anyone gets uncomfortable, I’m leaving.”

Jisung broke into a smile. One of those that made his nose scrunch up and his eyes turn into little crescents. On his bottom lip (which was way too dry to be healthy), a thin, bright red line formed.

“Your lip is bleeding,” Felix commented. (He wondered why was he looking at his lips in the first place, but came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter.)

“Oh.” Jisung’s eyes returned to their regular, rounder shape, and his tongue darted out to wipe away the blood. “I should drink more water.”

Felix chuckled.

\- - - - - - - -

“What’s he doing here?” Minho asked when he opened the door and saw Felix.

“I asked him to come,” Jisung said. Minho opened his mouth to say something, but then just opened the door further and let them in without a word.

“What a… pleasant surprise. Changbin’s out to get ice cream, but he should be back any minute. Hyunjin went with him.”

“Sorry for last time,” Felix said. So far, he didn’t feel that uncomfortable, but he still thought an apology would be in place.

“You don’t need to apologize to me,” Minho said, “and I’ve been told that Jisung has already forgiven you, so you’re good. On thin ice, but you’re good.”

It went silent for a few seconds.

Jisung spoke up: “So should we watch Howl’s Moving—”

“No!” Minho and Felix yelled at the same time. Minho continued, “We were gonna watch a horror!”

“Did Changbin pick?” Jisung asked.

“Yeah. Something called ‘I’m thinking of ending things’. A psychological horror I think.”

Jisung whined. “He knows I can’t handle that kind of stuff!”

“He probably just wants an excuse to cuddle Hyunjin at night. The bastard always gets extra clingy when he’s scared. You good with horror, Felix?”

“Sure,” he answered. He was most definitely not okay with horror, but it felt rude to demand them to change plans. They sat down on the couch while Minho got three glasses of something that tasted like carbonated tropical fruit juice.

“You might have to comfort Jisung though, because he’s also a scaredy cat.”

“All of us are except for you and Changbin,” Jisung said. “But he’s also stubborn as fuck so he’s not gonna let us watch anything else.”

“At least we have each other.” Minho chuckled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the mentioned research papers here actually exist! i've read the first one by Chuhyun Oh, and it's actually really interesting. if you want to look them up
> 
> \- (I read this one. lots of interesting things in the 'cited works' section as well) Unmasking Queerness: Blurring and Solidifying Queer Lines through K-Pop Cross-Dressing, Chuyun Oh and David C. Oh
> 
> \- Kim, Cho-Young, and Eun-Jung Kim. "A Study of the Symbolism of Ornaments and Props Used in Traditional Korean Mask Plays: Based on Tongyeong Ogwangdae." Journal of the Korean Home Economics Association, vol. 50, no. 3, 2012
> 
> \- Lee, Hyunjoo. Rediscovering Traditional Korean Performing Arts. Ed. Hae-Kyung Um. Seoul: Korea Arts Management Service, 15 Dec. 2012
> 
> the movie 'I'm thinking of ending things' also is an existing psychological horror movie. I've watched it, and definitely recommend it if you like psychological horror. it's not as scary as most regular horrors, but it's really unsettling and strange. (I'm Thinking of Ending Things, 2020, written and directed by Charlie Kaufman, based on the novel by Iain Reid)


	28. CHAPTER 27

I’m Thinking of Ending Things wasn’t necessarily scary. It wasn’t creepy, didn’t make anyone scream, or whatever Felix was expecting. No, it was unsettling. Something seemed to be wrong throughout the entire movie, and it sent shivers down his spine. Beside him, Jisung was snuggled under a blanket, with Minho’s arm around him. Hyunjin was leaning into Changbin and holding his hand. (Felix couldn’t help but be envious of their relationship. Was cuddling and handholding too much to ask?)

About halfway through the movie Jisung stood up to go to the kitchen, blanket trailing after him as he went on a mission for snacks. Minho paused the movie, and not much later, Jisung was back with two bowls, one filled with crisps, the other with M&Ms. He set them down on the coffee table, and sat himself down firmly next to Felix, slinging his legs across his lap and resting his head on his shoulder.

Felix’s breath hitched. Jisung was warm and soft. (Maybe it was just the blanket, but Felix was pretty sure he’d never felt someone so warm lean into him.) He slowly pried his arm out behind Jisung’s back. Then, Jisung let out a little satisfied sigh that had his heart racing. Surely Jisung could hear it, but if he did, he didn’t show it. Meanwhile, the movie just continued playing on the television. Every now and then, when Jisung got scared, he wound his hands tightly in Felix’s hoodie. 

The credits started rolling, and Jisung sleepily lifted his head off of Felix’s chest. He blinked harshly a few times, and then slowly sat up.

“Good morning,” Changbin joked. 

“Mmh.” Jisung rubbed his eyes. (Felix was pretty sure he was about to spontaneously combust. It was adorable.)

“Sleepy?” Minho stood up and brought the two empty bowls back to the kitchen.

“I think he is,” Felix said. He was blatantly staring at Jisung, not really caring if any of the others noticed.

“You two should head back soon,” Hyunjin said, “It’s getting late and both of you seem like you need sleep.”

“I don’t sleep,” Jisung protested.

“I know, but you should.” Changbin smiled at him, before returning his attention to Hyunjin.

“Fine.” He pouted. (Adorable.) 

\- - - - - - - -

“You’re warm,” Jisung said. He had his face buried in Felix’s shoulder blade, with his arms tightly around his waist. Felix had dragged him back to their dorm after persuading him into leaving. Now they were in the bathroom, and Felix was putting on face cream. 

“Go change into your pajamas,” Felix said, ignoring the way he didn’t actually want Jisung to ever let go of him. He set down the pot of cream and filled a cup of water.

“Only if we can sleep together.”

Felix choked on his water, coughing and sputtering for a good twenty seconds. “What?!”

“Not like that…” Jisung frowned. “I understand that you would want that, because I am really sexy, I’ll admit that, but I just want cuddles.”

“Sure.” Felix used the back of his hand to wipe a small stream of water off his chin. “Don’t scare me like that again.”

“I won’t.” Jisung pressed his cheek onto Felix’s shoulder extra firmly for a second before skipping away to get changed. It left Felix mourning the loss of a body pleasantly pressed against his back.

When he walked into his bedroom a few minutes later, he found Jisung sitting on his bed—shirtless. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembered finding out earlier that he slept without a top on, but he froze in his tracks nonetheless. Jisung was tan and he looked so fucking soft despite the outlines of his muscles. 

“Take a picture.” He smirked. “It lasts longer.”

“Bastard.” Felix snapped out of it and threw his hoodie at Jisung. 

Jisung laughed and dodged the piece of fabric. He fell back on the bed and spread his arms out in front of him, looking expectantly at Felix. “Join meeeeeeeeeeeee.”

Felix sighed, but still walked over to the bed, pulling the duvet out underneath Jisung and then jumping over him to lie down near the wall.

“I meant hug me but sure.” Jisung retracted his arms and pulled the blanket up to his chin.

“I’m not hugging you unless you have a shirt on.”

“Lies.”

It was a lie. Man, Felix wanted to hug him so bad. Even more so, he wanted to be hugged by Jisung, feel his strong (and probably warm) arms around him, just like they’d cuddled together before. He wanted it more than anything else at that moment.

“I’m going to sleep,” Felix said. He was trembling, even though it wasn’t that cold under the blanket. It just felt wrong to have that space between him and Jisung. God, why couldn’t he just muster the courage to close that gap? It left him aching, longing for more. Still, he kept staring at the wall before him, trying to ignore the stinging in his chest. 

“I don’t wanna sleep yet,” Jisung whined. 

“You never really change huh?”

“You aren’t meant to sleep during sleepovers.” He stated it like it was a fact, completely confident in his words.

“This isn’t a sleepover.”

“What is it then?”

“You being needy,” Felix answered. “Go to sleep, Jisung. Otherwise you’ll be complaining tomorrow.”

“Fine… but can we at least cuddle?”

Felix sucked in a harsh breath. “Fine.”

And then suddenly the gap was gone, and Jisung was pressed up against him with his arms firmly wrapped around his waist. Felix smiled freely, knowing that the other couldn’t see it. He could barely move, but it was okay, because as long as it was Jisung holding him down, he didn’t mind. Jisung sighed, hot breath tickling Felix’s neck. Felix could feel his chest rising and falling against his back, and his heart beating steadily. It was soothing, just enough to drag him along into a land of dreams.

Felix woke up first, head rested on Jisung’s chest. They’d somehow moved in their sleep. Felix surely wasn’t complaining though. He let his eyes flutter shut again and allowed himself to sink fully into the rhythm of Jisung’s breathing.


	29. CHAPTER 28

“Jisung?” Felix asked from where he was sat against the wall.

“Hm?” Jisung shifted on the mattress, lifting his head up to look at him.

“Do you trust me?”

It was quiet, and dread overcame Felix. He’d asked a question of which he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to know the answer. Jisung’s silence didn’t exactly help either, so they just held eye contact for a while, until Jisung finally spoke up.

“Of course I do. Why?” 

“I…”

“Is this about my love life?” Jisung asked. He turned his back to Felix. 

“I just… why don’t you want to tell me?”

Jisung was quiet again for a few seconds. Then: “Because I don’t want you to know… Last time I told you about a crush, you just… you weren’t exactly nice towards him.”

Right. Jisung did have a point with that, Felix found. He hadn’t exactly been friendly with Minho. I mean, he considered them to be friends, but there was also a certain distaste that he’d harbored towards Minho. Even with Kali, who was such a nice person too, he’d absolutely detested her for being with Jisung.

“I won’t do that again, promise.” A lie. Felix was pretty sure that he wouldn’t be able to really like someone that Jisung was into. The jealousy would simply reappear crush after crush, until their friendship would start to suffer from it. (Like it already had before—)

Jisung sighed. It was a sound of exasperation—one that tugged at Felix’s heartstrings. It felt like a confession. One that meant Jisung didn’t really trust him after all. That he didn’t want to put their relationship in peril over stupid crushes just because Felix couldn’t keep his jealousy in check. And though it might have made perfect sense, Felix couldn’t help feeling like he was going to cry again sometime soon. 

“I won’t ask again,” Felix said softly. There was a hitch in his voice, just the slightest indication of weakness, a break in his stable image. And that was all it took for Jisung to roll over and look at him with wide eyes, which in itself definitely didn’t help with the block rising up in Felix’s throat.

“Felix?” Jisung asked. His voice was gentle, caring. Heartbreakingly so, even. It made Felix long for an indescribable place, somewhere without worries. Maybe on a hilltop in the summer breeze, or in a city park in the rain. Somewhere where he didn’t have to deal with all this. A shudder went through his torso, and he shakily exhaled. 

“Lixie…” Jisung sat up and crawled over to sit next to Felix. His own voice had hints of instability to it. Felix remembered that Jisung had been a sympathetic crier as a kid, starting to shed tears whenever someone else was in distress. One time, Felix had fallen out of a tree and sprained his ankle, but Jisung had been the one going to his mum crying. “What’s wrong Lixie?”

Felix sniffled. He didn’t want to speak, afraid of what might come out. Either he’d start crying, or even worse, say something that would make Jisung hate him even more. 

“I’m sorry,” he managed. “I just… I don’t want you to hate me.”

“Why would I hate you?” Jisung asked. He sounded genuinely surprised, brow furrowed.

“Because I’m an idiot.” Felix wiped at his face with his sleeve, catching tears on his cheeks.

“You’re not an idiot,” Jisung protested. “You’re my best friend. You always have been. Can’t you see that I care about you? I just don’t want our friendship to be strained again because I have another stupid crush that’s probably gonna blow over in a week or something.”

“That’s not how your crushes work.”

Jisung had never been one for temporary, light-hearted crushes. Even in elementary school, he’d only ever declared a ‘crush’ on someone when he really, really liked them. It seemed like he always fell in love, over and over again, every time just as intensely. Felix had always admired that about Jisung: his ability to love someone without even having to try, to feel so secure and intensely about his love for someone while also keeping it a playful and light. Like a poetic love letter written in a toddler’s handwriting—that was Jisung’s love.

“Not anymore,” Jisung mumbled. “Not since I came out.”

“You don’t love anymore?” Felix asked. It hurt him, made him want to cry all over again. He couldn’t imagine Jisung without that skill of falling so hard for someone he called ‘just a crush’. To be fair, Jisung’s entire personality seemed watered down ever since they met again, like when you put on sunglasses the whole world goes a bit darker, or how sounds get muted when you put on noise-cancelling headphones. To hear it this directly, though, made the realization hit Felix all the harder. Maybe it wasn’t just ‘growing up’. Maybe Jisung had become scared to love like used to do. 

“I do, but not in the same way. I know I’m pretty open about… being gay, but it still scares me so much to love someone. I hide it more than I used to. Like I wrap a box of chocolates in layers and layers of wrapping paper because I’m scared of the fucking contents. Just so I won’t unwrap it and find something I might not like. Love scares me now, and I hate it. I hate it so much.”

Felix sniffed. “I’m going to punch whoever made you feel this way so fucking hard.”

It wasn’t the best reassurance, probably, but Felix was genuinely mad. He just wanted his old Jisung back, not this one that was much sadder and toned down. Maybe it was selfish to want old Jisung back, but he let himself be selfish for once, because he knew, he just knew, that Jisung also wanted old Jisung back. It was in the pain in his voice when he talked about being scared of love. It was in the way he wrote songs about sadness instead of the poems he used to write in elementary school. Those had always been about his passions, whether that was another one of his crushes, dinosaurs, Doraemon, or even just flowers. 

“Thanks,” Jisung said, “but I don’t want violence. Can you just be by my side instead?”

“I will always be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not saying i almost cried writing this but uhh


	30. CHAPTER 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> early update again in honor of me going for a run to procrastinate an art project and the start of my holidays woohoo (even tho i can't see my grandparents this year :( )

Minho was lying on the ground, chest heaving. The music had stopped, and Felix wiped the sweat off his forehead. It was fairly little compared to Hyunjin, whose shirt was drenched with it. They’d danced the entire choreography at full energy. They had to, since it was their last opportunity to practice before the inter-UCs. 

“Holy shit,” Jisung said. He was sitting on the bench in the corner of the practice room, and Felix basically felt his eyes on him. “That was… intense.”

“Imagine how intense it is for us,” Minho replied, rolling his head over to one side.

“Swag,” Hyunjin said. He took a large swig of water from his bottle.

“So the sexy concept turned out well, huh?” Jisung caught Felix’s gaze. “It suits you.”

“It does now?” Felix asked, going to grab his own water.

“Yeah. It also goes really well with the song.”

“What was your favorite part?” Minho asked as he finally got up to drink water and do stretches. 

Jisung hummed, rubbing his chin as if he was deep in thought. “Definitely the solo parts.”

“Oh? Damn Sungie.” Minho chuckled. “You little voyeur bitch.”

Felix choked on his water while Hyunjin started laughing.

“I’m just saying,” Jisung sputtered, thrown off guard, “that the audience is gonna love it.”

“They will if they’re half as much of a horny teenager in an adult body as you,” Hyunjin joked. 

“I remember you told me over the phone last night that you were just so eager to see the choreo.” Minho punched Jisung’s shoulder. 

“It was not the point that you guys were gonna bully me,” he mumbled defeatedly. “I just wanted to compliment you.”

“It’s fine,” Felix said, putting his bottle back in his bag. “Stop harassing the poor guy.”

“Last I checked you were the one harassing him by showing those delicious abs.” Minho burst out laughing again at his own statement. “We should add another body roll.”

“Quit it, please,” Jisung groaned. “I never should’ve come along, oh my God.”

“I’m tired,” Felix whined. “Can we go back to the dorm?”

“Sure.” Jisung’s head lolled back on the couch. “I’ve also been up and about all day. I could use some relaxation.”

“I’m gonna head to bed too,” Hyunjin declared. “Plus, Changbin said he had a surprise for me.”

“Should I just stay at Chan’s for the night then?” Minho asked, voice monotone as if he was being completely serious. “Wouldn’t want to… walk in on anything.”

“Shut up,” Hyunjin murmured, a blush spreading across his cheeks. “We do other things than fuck. You’re just jealous because you don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Oh, I don’t need a boyfriend to get—”

“That’s enough,” Felix interrupted loudly. “More than enough! Jisung, we’re leaving.”

\- - - - - - - -

“Mmmmh.” Jisung made a muffled noise where he had buried his face in Felix’s shoulder. He’d collapsed on the younger’s bed as soon as Felix had gotten under the blankets in his pajamas. 

“Get in here,” Felix sighed. “You’ll get cold… so silly of you to not wear a shirt.”

“It’s so you can look at my abs,” Jisung joked, but he still got up and slid underneath the duvet. “They’re harder than math tests.”

“That’s impossible.”

“Wanna check?”

“I really don’t.” (He did. Definitely.)

“Hmm.” Jisung hummed and draped an arm across Felix’s torso. “Alrighty then. I’m gonna sleep.”

“Good night.”

“Good night Lixie.”

Felix stared at the ceiling, simply reveling in the sensation of Jisung’s warm body next to him, going up and down with each breath he took. They lay like that for a while, but neither of them actually showed any determination to sleep.

“Lixie?” Jisung asked after a while.

“What?” 

“Thank you.”

“For what?” Felix turned to him, surprised by how close they were. If he just leaned in a bit, his face would be buried in Jisung’s hair.

“Being here.”

“I told you, I’ll always be.”

“I know… a lot of people say that, but not everyone sticks to it…” Jisung’s voice was soft and unstable, as if he was having trouble breathing.

“Who hurt you, Sungie?” Felix asked in a light, somewhat joking tone, though the question was far from that.

“Life.” Jisung’s breath hitched. “Everyone hurts me at some point.”

“Oh…” Felix mumbled. He felt Jisung’s arms tighten around his waist, pulling him closer as a result. “Have I hurt you?”

Jisung didn’t say anything for a while, just taking shaky breaths against Felix’s ribcage. Softly: “You left.”

He swallowed harshly, letting his hand glide up and down against Jisung’s bare back. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I won’t do that again. Ever.”

“You don’t know that…”

“Jisung,” Felix said. He lowered his voice a bit deliberately. “What happened after I left? There’s more, isn’t there?”

Jisung grumbled something unintelligible. 

“You don’t have to tell me now, but I don’t want you to bottle up your feelings.”

“Everything sucked when you were gone,” he said, lifting his chin up on Felix’s pec. “It was fine when I started seeing that popular kid. I thought I was finally going to be accepted, but—” 

He sniffed, diving back under the duvet and clutching onto the fabric of Felix’s shirt. Felix gently started drawing circles on his back in a weak attempt to soothe him. Outside, the wind rustled, and when the clouds moved, a pale sliver of moonlight illuminated the room.

“They just… they…” Jisung shuddered and frantically wiped at his eyes with the back of his hands.

“Take your time,” Felix said. “I’ll still be here when you’re ready.”

“No, it’s stupid,” he decided. “I’m supposed to be over it.”

“Don’t. Don’t invalidate your own feelings, Sungie.”

“But I’m crying over something that happened years ago,” he whined.

“I do that too. If you need to cry, cry. It’s okay.”

Jisung took a deep breath in and out again, calming himself and stopping the flow of tears for a few seconds. Felix ran his fingers through the elder’s hair, making him hum softly. They didn’t speak again for a while, simply being there as a presence for the other.

“They used me…” Jisung said in the end, when his tears had stopped.

Felix pulled him closer.

“They… He said he liked me, and he… he led me on, and then… then after I realized they weren’t even good to me—”

“That’s not nice.”

“No,” he mumbled into Felix’s chest. “Don’t wanna think about it.”

“You wanna try and sleep?” Felix asked gently. “Or do you want to talk about something fun?”

“Sleep.” Jisung yawned and cuddled closer. “Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realized there's lots of dialogue in here and the chapter does like a full 180 but oh well


	31. CHAPTER 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter because i have no self-control

A few days later, Felix found himself backstage in a large auditorium belonging to a convention center. A group of universities had hired it for the annual inter-UC competitions, and the day had finally come. Speakers were set up around the room, and the lights were dimmed. From the audience, he could hear hushed voices, sometimes a louder one, and the thrumming of background music filling the empty spaces between conversations. He was nervous. In approximately three minutes, their performance under the name DANCERACHA would start, and it fucked with his brain. Half of him was trembling in excitement, the other in fear. Tech people were running around backstage as well, and one of Chan’s good friends named Sana had come along to do their makeup and hair. She’d done a phenomenal job, Felix had to admit. Hyunjin’s hair was half up half down, and somehow she’d made his facial features stand out even more stunningly than they already did. Minho’s hair was slicked back, and Sana had done everything in her power to accentuate the edges of his face. As for himself, he didn’t know how he looked. Didn’t dare look in the mirror, if he was honest.

Outside, someone onstage started talking, effectively shutting up the audience. His voice boomed through the auditorium over the speakers. “Folks! May I have your attention please? My name is Jinyoung and I’ve got something to tell you! Break’s over, and backstage we have another set of guys eager to perform for you all today! They’re the last dance act before dinner, and I want you guys to cheer them on harder than ever before, because they are amazing! With a song that they wrote and sung themselves, I want to hear you give it up for DANCERACHA with Wow!”

The lights outside flashed neon green, and Jinyoung came running offstage, waving at people to give them the go signal. Minho gently nudged Felix and Hyunjin towards the stage, and as soon as the lights had dimmed completely, they quickly took their positions. 

From then on, everything was a haze. All Felix could feel was the constant weight of the audience’s eyes on him, never once letting him take a breather. But it was okay—this was what they’d trained for. Weeks upon weeks of rigorous practice until they’d perfected every single move. Heaps of feedback from Yugyeom and other dance majors making them better step by step. They were in synch, moves following each other in rapid succession until Felix could feel his thighs burn and his feet ache. At one point in the choreography, he had to lie down on the floor, and as he watched Minho get up effortlessly, he was quite sure he felt his back form a sweaty stain on the floor. The see-through fabric of his shirt also did fairly little to protect his dignity or his skin from the annoying chafing of the mesh panels. 

But it was worth it. Of course it was. He hadn’t performed a choreography since he was sixteen and in high school, and God had he missed it. The feeling of being watched gave him a thrill unlike any other, and the crowd’s surprised exclamations made it more than worthwhile. The excitement rushing through his veins was intoxicating and addicting, spurring him on and on for as long as his legs could hold him, and fuck was it a good feeling. 

Back turned to the audience, chest heaving. That was how Felix finished his performance. Hyunjin and Minho were in a similar state, but he honestly couldn’t bring himself to care about the alarming lack of oxygen in his lungs and the dry feeling in his throat. Mostly because behind him, the audience was roaring and clapping, cheering for them, and he loved it. The lights started dimming, and soon the room was filled with darkness. Felix felt like he was floating, physically and mentally, as he walked offstage.

He was immediately captured in a hug when he disappeared from the audience’s view. It was Jisung who’d launched himself at Felix and refused to let go for a good ten seconds. “Holy shit!” he whisper-yelled. “You were amazing!”

A staff member shushed him and pointed at the door leading to the changing rooms. Jisung’s eyes widened and he bowed frantically as he pulled Felix along.

It was bright in the changing rooms, and Felix was still in a post-performance daze. Outside, he could vaguely make out Jinyoung talking to the audience about voting and the night’s activities, but his mind couldn’t seem to grasp onto anything really. Sana handed a small towel to him, and he gratefully took it to wipe the layer of sweat from his face and neck. Jisung helped him by holding his hair while he gently dabbed away at his skin.

“There’s showers in the back,” Sana said, vaguely gesturing to the hallway. Minho was the only one that really acknowledged the statement. It made sense that he was the least out of it. Chan had told them one time that he’d performed in his first and second year too, as a member of a dance crew. The amount of experience he had compared to Felix and Hyunjin was painfully obvious.

“Thanks,” he said to Sana. The small towel draped across his forehead looked quite funny, Felix thought. “We’ll be back in time to watch you and the girls perform too.”

“Sana’s performing?” Hyunjin asked. “Oh my God! Are you guys going to do Feel Special again?!”

“We have a new song,” Sana said. “We’re up at eight o’clock, first crew after dinner. I think Jaebeom and the guys are also representing our uni this year.”

“Cool,” Minho said. “That means Hyunjin finally gets to see Got7 live! I didn’t even look at the lineup for this year, how embarrassing.”

“Who’s Got7?” Felix murmured from where he was sitting on the floor.

“They’re a crew of seven that performed two years ago. I think they’re all doing master’s degrees now.” Sana dragged a hand through her hair. “This year our lineup is you guys, Got7, TWICE, Day6, and our alumni group is Miss A.”

“Miss A?” Chan walked in through the door. “What’s up with Miss A?”

“So just fuck us huh?” Minho asked. “Damn, okay.”

“No, no. You were phenomenal! I was just wondering because Miss A has like, a legendary status. They were the first ones to ever win the inter-UCs. Only Got7 has done it since.”

“Hmm,” Hyunjin hummed. “I’ve heard of them before.”

“As you should.” Chan checked his phone quickly before sliding it back into the back pocket of his black jeans. “Hey, you guys should get going. They want to clean this space up before TWICE performs after dinner, plus you should shower and get changed. Dinner should be served in thirty minutes. Shower’s are down the hall.”

“Thank you Mr. Technician,” Sana mused jokingly. “You in charge now? Must feel good.”

“Watch your mouth or I’ll cut the audio while you’re performing later.”

“You wouldn’t, and that’s noona to you, Channie.”


	32. CHAPTER 31

Dinner wasn’t overwhelmingly amazing, but Chan had insisted that they should sign up, so that Felix and Jisung (who were there for the first time, obviously) could have the ‘full inter-UC experience’. A lot of students went out for dinner, taking the time period between six thirty and ten to eight to visit places like McDonald’s or local diners. 

So that was why Felix found himself stabbing away at the food he’d gotten from the buffet. It wasn’t really hot anymore, but the warmth of the atmosphere made up for it. A few people had already come up to him, Hyunjin, and Minho to say that they saw and liked their performance. One person even asked for a selfie with then, which they willingly took. 

“When Hyunjin’s solo part started I almost fainted!” Changbin announced loudly through a mouthful of lukewarm fried rice.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Hyunjin said and pecked his boyfriend on the cheek.

“I’m still mad that you only showed Jisung the choreo beforehand, though.”

“He asked nicely,” Minho said. “You would’ve come along just to ogle at Hyunjin. Don’t even try to lie.”

Changbin just grumbled something that nobody could really understand. 

“I have to go soon,” Chan said out of the blue. “Prepare things for the next few performances.”

“They literally only start in forty-five,” Felix remarked. “There’s no way you have to get things ready right now. Also, there’s a second crew for the after-dinner things.”

“Since when do you know about the tech arrangements?” Chan was blinking at him wildly. 

“Seungmin told me. He’s on after-dinner tech duty, and he’s still eating.”

“True,” Seungmin said from the other side of the table. “Fifteen more minutes and then we start doing lights and audio checks in the auditorium. Why were you planning on getting away?”

Chan sighed, burying his face in his hands, seemingly to hide a blush. “Fine… I was gonna go see Jeongin.”

Jisung whistled loudly. “Damn, hyung!”

“Oh my God, Jisung. Not like that!”

“I never implied—”

“You know what you meant. I wanted to show him around.”

“Around the building or around your—”

“Shut up Jisung.” Chan glared at him and stood up. “I’m gonna go find Jeongin.”

“He’s having dinner at McDonald’s with some other fine arts kids,” Seungmin informed with a small smile. “Texted me.”

“Thanks.”

\- - - - - - - -

Felix didn’t think he’d enjoy TWICE’s performance that much, but there he was, sat in the front row, not able to tear his eyes away from Sana. She was currently in center, charming the entire audience with her amazing voice and dancing. It wasn’t a long performance—just an intro using last year’s Feel Special, and their new song More & More as a main act. In total, it reached maybe five, six minutes, but Felix felt like he could keep watching them perform forever. He usually didn’t enjoy songs similar to TWICE’s, but he really, really liked the ones he got to hear at that moment. 

During the short time period between TWICE’s and Got7’s performances, Chan rambled to Felix about how Chaeyoung was a ‘lyrical genius’, as he called it, completely oblivious to the way Jeongin was staring at him from a few seats over. 

The Got7 performance wasn’t that different. Sure, the vibe was definitely different, but Felix enjoyed it nonetheless. It was less playful, more charming and seductive almost. Not on the same level as DANCERACHA’s had been, but it was very obvious that the audience was enchanted by their every move. Behind him, Felix could hear Hyunjin gasp multiple times when the beat dropped or the chorus started. Unlike others, Got7 had already won the inter-UCs once, so a large part of the crowd already really liked them. Plus, those who didn’t know them yet could still recognize Jinyoung as the handsome presenter from earlier. 

After Got7, some groups from other university colleges went upstage, including the acts with the most and least performers: one with too many guys to count, and one with just four women.

“That was amazing!” A presenter that wasn’t Jinyoung went up on stage after the last group had left. She was holding a few cue cards. “Wow! I think voting is going to be extra exciting tonight. My name is Seulgi, and I’ll be replacing good old Jinyoung for the rest of the night. With our Dance and Song segment concluded, we’ll be moving on to tonight’s Bands segment. Call it a battle of the bands, a guitar war, whatever you prefer. It doesn’t change the fact that, in ten minutes, we will resume the program with performances by Onewe, N.Flying, Day6, Rolling Quartz, and Lucy! So prepare yourself to go absolutely wild, because, simply put, these bands rock!”

\- - - - - - - -

“Felix, can I talk to you for a second?” Minho asked. They were about to head back to the dorms, but he’d grabbed a hold of Felix’s sleeve before they could separate.

“Sure,” Felix said. The whole ‘Can we talk?’ thing always made him nervous, but it was also rude to just refuse and run.

Minho waited for a bit until the others were out of earshot before pulling Felix into a corner near the exit of the convention center. “Look, it’s about Jisung. I take it he hasn’t told you yet?”

“Told me what?”

“Who he likes.”

“No,” Felix said. “He hasn’t. Why?”

“He told me about the conversations that you guys have had in the past few days, and… just give him some time, okay? It’s confusing for him right now, and he really doesn’t want to lose you.”

“I don’t want to lose him either.”

“I know, but he’s allowed to have his secrets.”

Felix nodded. 

“And I don’t know exactly how much you care about him, but—”

“I like him,” Felix blurted out. Immediately when he saw Minho’s wide-eyed surprise, a wave of regret washed over him. He shouldn’t have said that, should he?

“You… what?”

“I like him. As in, romantically? You know…”

“Oh my God, we have even more to talk about. Come to our dorm tomorrow after dinner, okay?”

“Okay?”

“Good.” Minho patted him on the shoulder. "We should go catch up to the others."


	33. CHAPTER 32 (finale)

“So you like Jisung,” Minho stated when Felix sat down next to him on the couch.

“Yeah.”

“Hmm.” He turned on the television, handing Felix one of the Wii controllers. “Mario Kart?”

“Sure.”

Felix watched as Minho clicked through the game at high speed until they had to pick characters. Felix chose Waluigi, on a bike. Minho snorted.

“Waluigi? Really?”

“It’s an inside joke,” Felix said. “Have played as Waluigi since I was a kid.”

The atmosphere was tense when they played Wario’s Gold Mine. Felix didn’t want to start the conversation that they were inevitably going to have, so he just concentrated on sending Waluigi through the track without falling off the road. The bats were annoying, and he hated the way that Baby Luigi somehow always seemed to be faster than him.

“You should tell him,” Minho said when he finished in first place. “I mean, Jisung. You’re only making it harder for the two of you by keeping it a secret.”

“I know,” Felix mumbled, pressing the B button to make his bike drift. Just as he was about to round the last corner, Baby Luigi caught up and sped across the finish in second place. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me. I just want you to be happy, and this isn’t the way. Confessing won’t make all of your issues go away magically, but it’ll take a weight off your shoulders at least.”

Felix hummed as Minho started up DK Summit. He was good at that one, at least.

“It’ll be good for Jisung too. Honesty is important, and I’d hate to see you guys somehow drift apart or something.”

“Same here,” Felix said. “I’m just kinda nervous to tell him. He already thinks I’m mean to whoever he has a crush on, and I don’t want to make this even more… complicated for him.”

“Just do it, please. He won’t hate you, trust me.”

“Okay…”

“And now, wait, hold on…” Minho clicked a button on his remote and Felix heard the telltale sound of an incoming blue shell.

“Oh my God! Fuck you, Minho!”

“Minho-hyung,” Minho corrected.

\- - - - - - - -

Felix took a deep breath and looked at Jisung, who was sitting across him. They’d sat down in the library since Jisung was already there before. Said man was now tapping away at his notebook with a pen. The repetitive sound drove Felix to the brink of madness, but he decided to keep quiet. He didn’t want to piss Jisung off this early into a conversation that would inevitable change their friendship forever.

“What did you want to tell me?” Jisung asked. “Oh God, you’re not straight, are you?”

“What? No!” Felix said. The joke did nothing to lighten his nerves, honestly. “I just… promise not to get mad or leave?”

“Promise. I could never do that. C’mon bro, we’ve been best friends forever, I’m not gonna abandon you over something less than like… murder.”

“Okay…” he inhaled deeply and gathered all his courage. “I… kinda, maybe… no, hold on, let me rephrase that.”

“Take your time.”

“I definitely… no, that’s too strong. Uhm… fuck it. I like you?”

Jisung didn’t reply. He just stared at Felix, blinking. “You what? In… in what way?”

“As in… like?”

“Why do you keep saying it like a question?! You’re confusing me, Felix,” Jisung whined. (It was cute, Felix decided.)

“Because… I don’t want this to affect our friendship.”

“Oh Lixie,” Jisung said. He leaned back in his chair, dragging his hands across his face. “I hate it here.”

“I’m sorry,” Felix mumbled with a downcast gaze.

“No, no, not because of you. Because I was too fucking dense to read the room! This is why you were always jealous, right?”

“Kinda… yeah.”

“Okay… how do I say this…” Jisung sighed and traced his fingers along his laptop. “I like you too.”

Now it was Felix’s turn to stare at Jisung with a slack jaw. 

“I have for a while. Think I might always have, but holy shit did I not expect it to be mutual.”

Felix inhaled so he could say something back, but Jisung was already continuing his speech.

“Honestly, I’m glad that you told me. I didn’t really like being in the dark about your feelings. Anyways, does this mean you’d be open to like… go on a date?”

“I… yeah?”

“Cool. I mean, unless you have too much coursework to do.”

Fuck. Felix had forgotten about that. He looked at his watch. Ten more minutes until he had to meet up with Kali in another section of the library. “I have to work on a project,” he said.

“How late are you done?”

“Six…”

“Ah…” Jisung pursed his lips. He looked pensive. “We can just watch a movie at the dorm if that’s less stressful for you.”

“I’d really like that,” Felix confessed. He did. He could barely wait.

Jisung smiled brightly with a light blush across his cheeks, which made Felix’s heart flutter, and patted Felix’s forearm. “Go do your project then. I’ll wait at home.”

\- - - - - - - -

Felix was positively exhausted when he came back to the dorms. His shoulders were sagging, his head felt heavy, and his legs were aching from dancing earlier. He could barely bring up the energy to kick off his shoes and hang his jacket. 

But holy shit, the sight waiting for him in the living room—Felix swore to himself that it was the cutest thing he’d ever seen, because Jisung was sitting on the couch… wearing his hoodie. The fucking hoodie that Felix had bought a few weeks prior: light pink and too fluffy to be healthy. And worst (best) of all, Jisung looked absolutely tiny in it. It was already oversized on Felix, so it really didn’t do Jisung’s size any justice. All it really did was make Felix want to shower him with kisses, call him baby and hold his hand for the rest of the night.

“Why are you wearing my hoodie?” he asked instead of saying any of that out loud.

“Soft,” Jisung mumbled, pressing himself further into the couch. “Come cuddle.”

And who was Felix to say no? He dragged himself over to the couch and collapsed on top of it, consequently landing his head on Jisung’s ribcage. (Soft indeed.) With a content sighed, he repositioned himself to be even closer to Jisung.

Jisung started up the movie. Felix groaned when he immediately recognized Howl’s Moving Castle’s theme. A chuckle vibrated through Jisung’s chest. “Sorry.”  


Both of them had seen Howl’s Moving Castle before (many, many times), so instead of really paying attention, Felix spent his time glancing up at Jisung’s face and catching his eyes. Jisung was looking down at him with a soft smile on his face, and fuck, Felix was so soft. 

At a certain point, Felix started to doze off, especially with Jisung’s hand slowly but firmly running through his hair.

“Lixie?” Jisung asked. “I’m sorry, but there’s one more thing you should know.”

“Mhm?”

“I don’t think… I mean, in case you were wondering, I don’t think I’m ready for like… a serious relationship. I’m just not in the right headspace for that mentally, and I really—” 

“That’s okay,” Felix mumbled, because he really couldn’t bring himself to care in that blissful moment. He nuzzled closer into Jisung’s side. “I don’t need to be your boyfriend to love you.”

“Oh…”

“We can just be us. Felix and Jisung.”

**_fin_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit. what a journey it has been. i started writing this around christmas 2020, and i don't think i'll ever be completely over it. this is the first fanfic i ever finished (second actually, but we don't talk abou that other one) and i can honestly say i'm proud of myself. thank you to everyone who's reading this for being here, and i hope you enjoyed!
> 
> however, keep an eye out for future project in the SKZ COLLEGE AU series, because nostalgia may have ended, the series has not. thank you all, and don't forget to take care of yourselves.
> 
> <3


	34. PSA - what's next

# WELCOME BACK

okay, so... nostalgia ended, right?

yeah... kinda.

nostalgia is _**done**_ , but it hasn't _**ended**_ yet.

i've achieved what i wanted to achieve in the book: show how jilix's dynamic evolves and grows throughout the story. however, i'm far from 'done' with this story, the universe that it's set in, and the relationships that i've written between the characters.

that already shows in the way that i've written a changjin spinoff: **fernweh**

i've decided to also keep adding things to this book until further notice. that means oneshots, drabbles, maybe rewriting the entire thing at some point... and i'll be taking requests! if there's a certain thing you'd like to read (ex. [scene] from Jisung's perspective, a scene in which Jilix go on a date, or similar) just drop it in a comment, and i'll see what i can do!

keep in mind though, this will no longer be my main project, so no regular updates. they'll most likely be every few weeks or so.

<3


	35. ONESHOT 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back fuckers <3

ONESHOT 1  
Scene where Jisung and Minho go for a walk (chapter 15/16)

Jisung retracted his hands into the sleeves of his jacket. It was cold outside, and he was pretty sure that his hands had turned a sickly shade of purple. He shifted a bit on the small wooden bench where he was sat. A breeze had started to shake things up in the park, and it ruffled his hair to the right. When he breathed out, he could see the little cloud of condensation drift away. Minho came up behind him. He was holding a cup holder in one hand and two takeout boxes in the other.

“What did you get?” Jisung asked.

“Two hot chocolates and two pieces of cheesecake.”

“I love you, hyung.” His hands emerged from his sleeves once again to take what was his: a steaming hot cup of chocolate milk, and a very promising Styrofoam takeout container. He gently set the cup down and opened the box, revealing maybe the most mouthwatering piece of food he’d seen in a long time. To be fair, it wasn’t his mom’s homemade cheesecake, but it looked really good. He took the small plastic fork that was included, and broke off a piece. 

Holy shit, that was good. He hummed in delight, earning himself a hearty chuckle from Minho. The cheesecake had the perfect consistency, and the thin layer of raspberry jelly on top made it… simply perfect. He savored every bite that he shoveled into his mouth, probably a bit too quickly. 

“Having fun?” Minho asked.

“Hell yeah.” Jisung held his hand in front of his mouth while speaking as to not show off his half-eaten cake to everyone passing by. “How can I ever thank you?”

“By telling me what that behavior at the New Year’s party was all about.”

Jisung choked on his cheesecake. “What?! You lured me out here at night just to talk about that? I thought we were gonna kiss or something.”

“Yeah, no. Why did you kiss me in the first place back then? I mean, you’re a good kisser and whatever, but uh… hella mixed signals.”

Jisung dropped his fork into the empty carton and picked his cup of hot chocolate up. It was still warm, and his fingers started tingling because of the contrast between hot cardboard and icy skin. He thought back to New Year’s. He didn’t even remember a lot, especially not after midnight. At midnight, he’d kissed Minho, he knew that much, and according to Seungmin he’d continued to do that for quite a while. 

“I just…” he began. At a loss of what to actually say, he took a sip of hot chocolate. He contemplated whether to tell Minho the full story. “It’s complicated.”

“I can try to understand if you feel comfortable telling me. If you don’t, we’ll just leave all of this behind us, okay?”

“Thanks… I’ll tell you I guess.” It was better that way. Minho deserved to know, and Jisung really needed someone to share his thoughts with. He took a deep breath. “So basically… okay no, wait. The short answer is that I wanted to kiss someone on New Year’s eve, and I really look up to you and you’re like… that one person everyone is kinda attracted to?”

“What the fuck?” Minho asked.

“Nah… it’s like, even if you don’t like Lee Minho, you do, you get me?”

“I absolutely do not get it, but I understand that you wanted to kiss me. Please do continue.”

“Okay, so I wanted someone to kiss and you were right there and we were talking and it seemed like you were into it too—” he took a pause to breathe “—so I just kinda went for it.”

“That’s it?” Minho clapped his takeout box shut. “You just… wanted to kiss me?”

“Well… not really.”

Minho blinked. “See this is what I mean with mixed signals. What the hell?”

“No, but… in the moment I wanted to kiss you. You know, your lips are soft, and you are soft, and everything, but you weren’t the person that I originally wanted to kiss.”

“So I was a replacement?” He took a sip of hot chocolate and looked straight ahead again instead of meeting Jisung’s eyes. “Hurts, not gonna lie. It’s also not really healthy to do that. You shouldn’t’ve kissed me if you wanted to kiss someone else all along.”

“I know, hyung,” Jisung whined, “but you know my coping mechanisms are dodgy. You let me kiss you!”

“Because I thought you wanted to!”

Jisung fell silent for a few seconds. “…Fair.”

“So then who did you want to kiss?” Minho put extra emphasis on ‘did’.

“Well… Felix?” 

“So then why didn’t you?”

“Because I’m fucking shy!” Jisung exclaimed. “Oh my God, Minho, if I’ve been head over heels for someone for like… ever, I’m not just gonna go up to them and say ‘hey, wanna kiss?’. That’s not how my brain works!”

“I’m sorry, been what now?”

Fuck. A slip-up. Jisung’s breath got caught in his throat. “Can we maybe walk for a bit?” he asked. He was suddenly all too aware of how his leg was bouncing rapidly, and the way the bench dug into his glutes.

“Sure,” Minho said. He stood up and started walking towards the path that led through the path, looking back to make sure Jisung was following him.

“Okay, so you know how Felix and I are childhood best friends?—” Minho gave an affirming nod “—yeah, so I pretty much have had a crush on him since I was like seven. Kinda how I realized I was gay, but that’s a whole different story. So I thought when he moved away that I was gonna like… get over him? And I kinda did, but shit happened at school and I just stopped feeling emotions altogether, which kinda sucked. And then we meet again here of all places, and we see each other in the library on the first day, right, and he looks me in the eyes and goes ‘Jisung?’ and I completely lose it. Like, I want to cry, so I do the most asshole thing ever and ignore him.”

“Shit,” Minho replied. Jisung took a sip of his hot chocolate, momentarily stopping his feet so he wouldn’t accidentally spill anything. “That sounds tough. Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me that, though.”

“Yeah, no problem, hyung. You’re just… very trustable.”

“But you and Felix are good again, right?”

“Mhm, apart from… well, he doesn’t know that I like him.”

Minho nodded again. Jisung looked at him (he didn’t even have to look up, God bless platform shoes). He looked somewhat like a statue as he lifted his cup to his lips. Maybe, in another life, Jisung was actually in love with Minho. That sounded right. But not this one. No, definitely not, not when every time he thought about Felix, he smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, don't forget to take care of yourself!
> 
> if you want to see another specific one of these, let me know in the comments!


	36. ONESHOT 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which we see parts of the Christmas trip from Jisung's POV

Jisung splashed water in his face. The hotel bathroom was small and smelled like hotel soap, but that was part of its charm. Pushing his hair back with wet hands, he used one of the towels to dab his face dry. A few droplets escaped and trailed down his neck to his bare chest. He caught them with the towel before they could reach the hem of his pants. After giving his teeth a quick brush, he left the bathroom again, feeling refreshed and (slightly) sleepy. Felix was already under his blankets, tapping away at his phone. He looked cute. Jisung folded his clothes messily before getting into his own bed. Meanwhile, he could hear Felix throw his duvet aside and go to the bathroom himself. 

When he came back, Jisung had already curled himself up into fetal position underneath the puffy blankets of the hotel beds. “Good night,” he said, words coming out softer than he intended them to.

“Good night,” Felix said back, and it wasn’t long before both of them dozed off.

\- - - - - - - -

_There was a Christmas tree decorated in the living room of their house. Felix was humming softly in the kitchen. Outside of the windows, everything was blurry, like in a dream. Jisung sat down on one of the couches that were strangely positioned around the tree. Felix came up behind him, carrying a tray of something that looked like cookies, though they could be something else too. God, why was everything so blurry? The tray was put down on the floor, and Jisung noticed that Felix had been carrying it with bare hands. They seemed fine though, not burnt at all. That very thought was proven when, a few seconds later, Jisung felt those exact hands gently cradle his cheeks, as if he were made of porcelain._

_“Hi baby,” Felix said. His voice was deeper than usual, and something seemed off about him, but Jisung didn’t complain as he leaned in to place a kiss on his lips. It was soft, and when Felix pulled back, Jisung couldn’t open his eyes for a good few seconds. Luckily for him, Felix dove right back in, this time with more passion and force. Jisung let out a surprised gasp that morphed into a whine when Felix straddled his lap. Oh God—he must be dreaming. There was no way Felix would do such a thing in real life; kissing him like his life depended on it. Fuck, Jisung grabbed onto Felix’s waist._

_Wait…_

_He must be dreaming…_

_WAIT—_

\- - - - - - - -

Jisung jolted upright. The bed made an ungodly noise beneath him, and he shipped his head around to look at Felix’s sleeping form. It had been a dream after all. Jisung raised a finger to his lips slowly, tracing along the cracked skin there. It had been a dream…

Felix stirred across the room. “What the fuck?”

“Sorry…” Jisung said. He did feel kinda bad for waking Felix up with his stupid midnight shenanigans.

“Nightmare?”

“No, I just…” Fuck. How was he going to explain that he just had a romantic dream about Felix, who was supposed to be his best friend, and that that dream had turned borderline erotic—

“Than why did you wake up so aggressively? Oh no, did you have a—”

“No Felix.” He felt himself shrink a bit under Felix’s stare, so he slid back under his duvet. “Just a weird dream.”

“What was it about?”

Once again, Jisung asked himself how he was going to explain it. His answer: not. “Go back to sleep, Lix.”

“No but now I want to know. You can’t just say you had a weird dream and then not tell me.” The little whiny undertone in Felix’s voice was adorable. (And Jisung was so, so weak.)

“Fine,” he said, “It was about us on Christmas and some weird shit happened, okay? Drop it.”

“Okay, sorry.”

Silence.

“What type of weird shit?”

“Oh my God, Felix! Go to sleep!”

Silence.

“Sung?”

Jisung sighed. He just wanted to go back to sleep. (Wanted to kiss Felix, maybe cuddle.) “Yes?”

“What should we do tomorrow?”

“We can think about that in the morning.”

“Alright.”

The room fell quiet again.

“Can we cuddle again?”

“Why?” Felix asked. It sounded a bit bland, and Jisung wondered if he’d made a mistake. He also wondered why he suddenly had the overwhelming urge to cuddle him. maybe it was the dream, or the fact that Felix had been willing to walk away from Jisung’s parents with him just so they could spend Christmas happily.

“Life,” was what he settled on.

“Okay,” Felix replied. He got up and waddled over, immediately sliding under the covers. Jisung felt his heart speed up. The bed was small and cramped, so he wrapped his arms around Felix and pulled him up until he was resting on top of Jisung. He exhaled. Felix was warm, the fabric of his pajamas fluffy and soft. Jisung was quite sure he was about to combust when Felix sighed cutely and nuzzled further into his chest.

“You’re comfy,” Felix whispered.

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. Jisung felt like his entire body was thrumming with love for the boy resting on his chest. He was just so cute. Jisung tightened his arms around Felix, and closed his eyes. He should try to sleep instead of continuing to mentally gush over Felix.

\- - - - - - - -

On Christmas Eve, they’d watched a movie together in the cinema, and eaten dinner at a nice restaurant. To be quite honest, it was the nicest Christmas Eve Jisung had had since Felix had left Korea. He was in a state of utter and complete bliss as they strolled through one of Incheon’s parks. Even though the winter air was freezing cold, the sweater paws he made with his jacket and the warmth of the atmosphere compensated everything. Someone had hung string lights from the trees, spanning them across like a spider web of stars. Above, in the sky, the actual stars shone, with the moon as their supervisor. Jisung tilted his head up and breathed out, watching the cloud of hot breath dissolve in the cold air. 

He lifted his shoulders up so the collar of his jacket reached his jaw, providing him with some extra warmth. With every step, one of his left toes tingled inside his platform shoes. He was awfully aware of Felix’s presence next to him, slightly shorter now that he had the advantage of platforms. Suddenly, a small breeze swept past them, sending a small child chasing after her flying napkin. Jisung shuddered.

“My hands are cold. I fee like my fingers are going to fall off.” He pouted a bit, looking down at his hands.

“We’ll get some hotteok, that should help you warm up,” Felix suggested. Jisung realized at that moment how soothing exactly the younger’s voice had become. Over the past few years, it’d dropped immensely, making for a honey-ish tone that was enough to lull him into a gentle drift. Jisung smiled, shaking his head because a few hairs had strayed into the territory of his eyeball.

Felix poked his cheek, instantly making his cheeks heat up. “Your cheeks are red,” Felix said, “It’s cute.”

Because of you, baby, Jisung wanted to say, but his lips kept themselves sealed.

\- - - - - - - -

Jisung bought them two small paper plates with hotteok. Felix seemed to be ascending to some higher plane of existence while eating it, because he let out a noise that no fully conscious person with some decency would make in public. “Man, this is good stuff.”

“Don’t get a boner now,” Jisung said. (Should he regret saying that? Probably.) “It’s just hotteok.”

“I haven’t had a single hotteok in years, Han Jisung, let me have this.” Felix took another bite and breathed through deeply closing his eyes in bliss. It was cute, honestly. 

“Sorry,” Jisung said. Felix’s shoulder looked like the perfect place for him to rest his head, but he couldn’t eat if he had his head down, so he settled for just leaning against Felix so their arms and sides touched. Of course Felix was soft—as always. They sat in comfortable silence like that, munching away at their hotteok, watching other people in the park as they celebrated their Christmas. Somewhere near them, on another bench, there were four teens who seemed to be on a double date. Somewhere else, a (single?) mom lifted her baby up so it could take a good look at the Christmas tree. One thing, they all had in common: they were happy. And Jisung liked that. He liked being happy on Christmas, and it had been way too long since he’d last felt that.

“The tree is pretty,” Felix said. “I just feel bad that you can’t open your presents now.”

“It’s okay.” Jisung folded up the paper plate he was still holding. He didn’t really care about presents, especially not if Felix was there. He hadn’t admitted it, but the fact that Felix was back again made him happier than anything in the world. “Being here is like a present.”

“I didn’t even get you anything, but I can be your present!” Felix’s eyes sparkled when he looked at Jisung. The string lights reflected in his blown-out pupils, giving them an ethereal look

“You are.” Jisung laughed softly to himself, and blew some hot air onto his hands. The sky was pretty. It looked a bit like Felix’s eyes. “We can go look through some stores tomorrow.”

“Maybe I can find you a present then,” Felix sighed. “And then the day after that we already have to check out.”

“We’re going to go back to the dorms then, right?” Jisung didn’t want to go back, in all honesty. 

“Yeah. So we’ll have to spend New Year’s Eve with Seungmin and the others.”

“You sound disappointed,” said Jisung. There was a certain tone in Felix’s voice. Something akin to sadness, jealousy even? “Something wrong?”

“I just enjoy spending time with you after such a long while,” Felix said. 

“So do I. My feet are cold, can we go back to the hotel? We can watch tv and cuddle if you want to.” Jisung tilted his head and smiled at Felix, basking in the way that he smiled back.

“That sounds good. Or we could turn on music and just talk.”

“Let’s dance in our room,” Jisung said with a wicked grin. It was a bad idea, probably, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. All he wanted was to wrap his arms around Felix and sway back and forth until they felt like they were falling asleep on each other’s shoulders. 

“I’m not dancing with you.” Felix blushed. “I have standards.”

“Okay, harsh. Let’s just go, yeah?”

\- - - - - - - -

They danced. Felix had turned on soft music, something with gentle lyrics and a smooth instrumental track, before taking Jisung’s hands and spinning him around in the space between the bathroom door and their beds. Jisung giggled, ducking so he could pass underneath Felix’s arm. Felix was smiling—a sight that was so beautiful Jisung was sure if he turned the lights off, they’d still be able to see each other. So he did turn off the light, and they were left in darkness apart from the pale moonlight filtering through the window and the shine of Felix’s smile. The tiredness was still not there as Jisung lifted Felix up in the air and spun him around until he was laughing like a madman and begging for him to put him down so they wouldn’t break anything. He didn’t feel like sleeping yet as the song changed to something slow and sensual, and Felix brought him closer to his chest so they could simply lean on each other for the time being, swaying gently from side to side and breathing in each other’s scent.

They danced, and it was heaven. 

“I told you it was a good idea,” Jisung whispered, he was so close to Felix that, if he puckered his lips, he’d be placing a kiss on his skin that seemed so faded and glassy in the moonlight. It was beautiful in a whole different way than during the daytime. He looked almost ghastly at night, like a moon deity that had descended from his carriage to visit his mortal lover, whereas usually his tan skin only emphasized the way he shone like the sun.

“Sure you did,” Felix lifted a hand to stroke his hair. Without his platforms on, Jisung was a tad shorter than Felix. He hummed softly. “Do you want to change into your pajamas? I was going to take a shower.”

“Sure.” Jisung hesitantly let go of Felix, mourning the loss of his warmth as he instead rubbed his hands together. 

\- - - - - - - -

The next day, somewhere in the early afternoon, they found themselves in a record store. Jisung’s fingers worked efficiently as he flipped over CD after CD, checking the tile and moving on to the next one. He was looking for something very specific. Behind him, he could feel Felix’s warm presence. When Jisung found what he was looking for, he triumphantly held the CD case into the air.

“What’s that?” Felix asked, in absolutely adorable obliviousness.

“This, Lixie,” Jisung began solemnly, “is the most legendary k-hip-hop album ever made.” 

“I’ve never even heard of that title.”

“Blasphemy.”

“Let me pay for it?” Felix snatched the CD from Jisung’s hands. “I still need to buy you a present.”

“Oh—” Jisung turned to look at him. “I…”

“Shh, let me take care of it.” Felix placed a small finger gently across Jisung’s lips, making his breathing still in the process. (Holy shit, Felix’s finger was against his lips!)

Next was a bookstore and a pop-up store that sold candles. Nothing very special, but Felix seemed so excited at the mere thought of a lavender-scented candle that Jisung couldn’t even try to complain. There was nothing that made him happier at that moment than the sight of Felix picking up different candles and sniffing them as he ranted about how he loved candles for so many different reasons. Above that, there was also the CD that Jisung was carrying in a small paper bag: a weight that reminded him of the money Felix had spent on him. He offered to pay for the candle like he had for the book, but Felix once again shushed him and refused stubbornly to let Jisung get anywhere near the cash register.

In the clothing store, though, Jisung saw his chance. Maybe it was self-indulgent after the dream he’d had (even though the memories were fuzzy at that point), but he felt like buying Felix a skirt. Not so he could live his dream, of course; he knew that was unrealistic. The younger had mentioned before that he liked clothes regardless of gender, after all, and Jisung assumed (or rather, knew) that he would look good in one. He sneaked away from where Felix was inspecting a baby blue hoodie, and made his way to where the skirts were hung. Why were there so many? All he wanted was a plain, nice skirt with not too much decoration on it. Finally, he found something that looked decent. He held it up and called out for Felix.

“What’s that?” Felix asked from a few clothing racks further.

“A skirt,” Jisung said casually. “I’m buying this for you. For Christmas.”

“Why would you buy me a skirt?”

“I think you’d look good in it. Don’t you want it?”

“Hold on.” Felix walked over to Jisung and took a look at the fabric. “Let me see that… I don’t think this is a good one. Are there any pleated ones?” 

“Let me see.” Jisung hung the blue one back and started going through the other ones. To be fair, the skirt he’d picked before was quite small and made out of an unpleasant fabric. (He felt bad for girls, honestly.) Eventually, he took one off the rack that was pleated and white. “I think they have this one in different colors.”

“Nice,” Felix said. “I think the black one is nice. It’s a lot easier to style too.”

Jisung took said black skirt off the rack and put the white one back. “This one it is then. I’ll pay!” And with that, he took off in the direction of the checkout.

“Wait!” Felix hurried after him with the hoodie he still had in his arms. “You don’t have to pay, I can—”

“It’s a Christmas gift!”

\- - - - - - - -

“It doesn’t even fit me,” Felix said through the bathroom door. “It’s way too small.” 

“Show me then!” Jisung demanded. There was no way he was going to let Felix get away with not wearing a skirt after he’d looked so happy to get one as a present. “I bet you just pulled it up too high.” 

Felix emerged from the bathroom. Shit, he was right—the skirt was quite small. He’d pulled it up all the way to his belly button in order to get it closed, and that way, it barely even reached a quarter of his thighs. Sure, Jisung liked Felix’s thighs, but he couldn’t deny that it looked very funny like that. He couldn’t contain himself and started laughing.

Felix smiled awkwardly back at him. “I’m standing here half naked and you’re laughing at me.”

Jisung jumped up and bounced over to Felix. He started trying to adjust the skirt to that the bottom hem of Felix’s underwear wouldn’t show like some safety shorts of an idol whose stylist did a bad job. “I told you, you just have to have the waistband lower, and not all the way up at your belly button.”

“I tried, but I think my hips are too wide, because when I have it lower, I can’t zip it up all the way.”

Jisung gave up, dropping his hands back to his sides and letting out a sigh. “So it doesn’t fit you… what a shame. I thought it was pretty.”

“Can you please stop staring at my crotch?” Felix asked, putting his hands down in front of the middle of the skirt.

Oh shit. Jisung’s eyes flickered upward in an instant, meeting Felix’s. “I wasn’t! So what do we do? I don’t think we can return it, because I didn’t get the receipt.”

“I bet it fits you,” Felix said. “You have a tiny waist.”

Jisung’s brain went blank for a second. A tiny waist? What? Did that mean Felix had been paying attention to his body? Oh man, he really shouldn’t sleep without a shirt anymore. He patted his stomach, panicking and going with his usual confident façade. “Oh, you mean my rock hard abs? I mean, I can try it on. But I bought it for you, so it makes me feel bad.”

“Don’t, just try it on. Seeing you in a skirt is just as good as getting a present, trust me.”

Holy shit. Jisung felt his heart speed up. Felix thought he would look good in a skirt. He thought of Jisung in a skirt as a present. He wanted to see Jisung in a skirt?! “Take it off, and I’ll be right back.” 

Felix and Jisung blinked at each other for a moment. “You’re not going to turn around? I’m not taking my clothes off in front of you.”

“Right, sorry!”

Jisung had to collect himself first when he was in the bathroom. He pushed his hair back and stared into his own eyes in the mirror for a bit. “Come on, Han Jisung,” he whispered to himself. It was warm all of a sudden, so he lifted his hoodie over his head, leaving himself in a tank top. He then took the skirt from where he’d hung it over the (closed!) toilet lid. After slithering out of his trousers, he pulled it up all the way to his waist. And voila, it fit him seamlessly. With another deep breath, he exited the bathroom again.

“What do you think?” he asked, twirling around.

“It’s cute,” Felix said. 

“It’s airy,” Jisung said, moving his hips from side to side a bit as he wasn’t too familiar with the feeling of cold air hitting his upper thighs. “I’m not used to it. Also I’m cold.”

He shamelessly unzipped it and dropped the skirt to the floor before stepping out of it, leaving a very flustered Felix the job of hastily covering his eyes. It was quite endearing to see the way Felix’s little hands shot up so quickly to protect Jisung’s decency, as if that was still a thing. Once Jisung had again donned his skinny jeans (with trouble, mind you—they were very tight), he felt it was appropriate to look again. 

“So do you want to get dinner?” Jisung asked as he was folding up the skirt. “There’s a Thai restaurant down the road where they have phenomenal curry.”

“Sounds good. You should wear the skirt.”

“It’s literally snowing outside you absolute lunatic,” Jisung said. “I’m not wearing a skimpy piece of cloth that barely covers my dick.”

“I’m just saying everyone would be jealous of how good you’d look.”

“Yeah, and I’d be jealous of how everyone else would be warm enough not to freeze to death.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3500+ words of jilix being soft. you're welcome. (lots of recycled dialogue but hey, that was kinda the point)


	37. ONESHOT 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The DareTM, from Jisung's POV (chapter 20/21)

“Truth or dare, Jisung.” Seungmin looked at him with a challenging spark in his eyes. Jisung blinked at him, and contemplated for a second. Truth was easy, but that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

“Dare, because I’m no coward.”

“Call your current crush and tell him you’re so head-over-heels for him that you’d lick his toes if he asked.”

Jisung’s eyes widened in surprise, and he choked on his own spit, catapulting himself into a coughing fit. Honestly, he was willing to do a lot for Felix, so licking his toes—a small price to pay, right? Still, he hoped Felix wasn’t into foot stuff. That would be a bit awkward. (Plus, Felix still thought Jisung had a crush on Minho, which was a problem.) He answered with a hasty, “I don’t have a crush,” though it came out less stable than he’d hoped. Felix and Minho both made sounds of disbelief and annoyance, Minho even going the extra mile and rolling his eyes. 

“You got hit by a car?!” Jeongin near-yelled when they were a few rounds more into the game. Changbin nodded with an awkward smile. 

“Was quite the summer,” he said. “Felix! Truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“Handstand against the wall for a full turn.”

“I hate you.” He stood up and walked over to the wall opposite of Jisung. With quite a bit of speed, he swung his legs up. His heels made a bonk against the wall as he stabilized himself with a huff. His shirt rode up, giving the whole room a perfect view of his (extremely defined?!) stomach. The fact that he had abs shouldn’t’ve surprised Jisung that much, but somehow it still did. 

A few turns later, Hyunjin was up with telling a story. “Okay, so I turned seventeen, and my friend asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said underwear, as a joke, you know? But apparently heh thought it was funny to then actually buy me underwear, not to mention fucking Sanrio underwear!”

“I can confirm,” Changbin said with a grin. “Hello Kitty is a regular occurrence in our dorm’s washload.”

“You love it.” Hyunjin poked Changbin’s side.

“I don’t date you for your underwear—rather for what’s in—”

“Sung!” Hyunjin cut his boyfriend off. “Truth or dare?”

“Dare, obviously,” Jisung answered from where he was laid on the floor. He stared up at the ceiling.

“Kiss the most handsome person in the room.”

Oh boy. He should’ve seen it coming. No such thing as a truth or dare game without a horrible kiss. Internally, he was already panicking about who he was going to choose, but he kept his cool. “Just say you want a kiss, Jinnie. I’d be glad to give you one.”

“Me? The most handsome one here?” Hyunjin scoffed. “Changbin is sitting right here, but you can’t kiss him.”

Jisung chuckled and sat up, before looking around the room and scanning everyone’s faces. He stood up slowly. “Define kiss?”

“On the lips, no tongue.”

“Right.” His first thought? Felix obviously. But that was a bad idea. Felix would ask him why he didn’t kiss Minho later and he would have to explain or whatever. They made eye contact with each other, and Jisung swallowed harshly. He saw Felix’s eyes flicker to Minho for a moment, an obvious hint. Jisung frowned. He didn’t actually want to kiss Minho—he wouldn’t shut up about it like… ever, and Felix would expect that it would cause some kind of escalation in their relationship. Their relationship wouldn’t escalate though as there was no relationship of sorts between them, and Jisung wasn’t ready to commit to a fake relationship yet. 

So who was the most handsome? Hyunjin and Changbin were clearly off-limits, so were Minho and Felix, Seungmin looked like a hetero, and Jeongin was just a fucking kid. So instead of hesitating further, Jisung stepped across the room and placed himself down in Chan’s lap before grabbing his jaw to press their lips together for a short moment. Chan’s lips were soft, and it was definitely not unpleasant, but there was also nothing special about it. Kissing a homie, nothing more.

Jisung pulled away and started laughing when he saw Chan’s wide eyes. He lifted himself off Chan’s lap and sat down between him and Felix, lifting his arms as well so he could pull them close by their shoulders.

“Why didn’t you kiss Minho?” Felix whispered into Jisung’s ear, louder than intended, because Minho started laughing.

“Yeah Jisung? Why didn’t you kiss me?” It was teasing. Jisung felt Felix’s arm slip around his waist and pull him closer.

Jisung blushed because of Felix’s sudden boldness and opened his mouth before closing it again and sighing. He needed an excuse. “Minho’s just too intimidating.”

“He said, dropping honorifics,” Minho mocked. “Bullshit. We all know that Jisungie himself is the most handsome here.”

A wink followed that statement, and Jisung could swear he felt Felix’s hand wind into his shirt a bit tighter before he put his head on Jisung’s shoulder and started slowly dozing off.

\- - - - - - - -

“Felix… Felix?”

Felix groaned and opened his eyes. It was adorable from where Jisung’s eyes were positioned above him. “You fell asleep.”

Felix groaned again and nuzzled Jisung’s neck. Holy shit. Jisung felt like he was about to combust out of love. 

“What?” he mumbled. “’M tired.”

“I can tell. Minho wants to give you a dare.”

“Sure.” Felix turned his head just a little bit to look at Minho, hair tickling Jisung’s skin in the process. Endearing.

“Three minutes of making out with the person in this room that you find most eligible as a boyfriend.”

Felix sat up properly, frowning at Minho. He seemed to be thinking it through, tongue darting out to wet the bottom lip that he then took between his teeth.

“You don’t have to if you’re uncomfortable,” Minho said carefully.

“No, I’m just thinking which one of you bastards is the most tolerable.”

Okay, ouch. It sounded like a joke though, so Jisung huffed. There was a spark of hope in his chest, filled by the thought that maybe Felix would choose him. After all, they’d known each other for a long time, and they were comfortable around each other, so Jisung let himself hope. Even though Felix thought he had a crush on Minho—it was just a game of truth or dare, real feelings were irrelevant. With that in mind, wanting Felix to choose to make out with him was probably self-indulgent and egoistic of Jisung, but he just couldn’t help it. For a short moment, his mind even wandered to the dream he’d had around Christmas. He just wanted to kiss Felix, okay? Was that too much to ask?

“So you gonna kiss anyone?” Chan asked. 

“Making out, hyung,” Minho corrected him. “Unless someone isn’t comfortable with that. But a kiss at least.”

“No,” Felix mumbled. “I’ll make out with someone. I mean, if he wants it.”

“Well, who is it then?” Hyunjin asked.

Felix shyly looked up at Jisung, who caught his eye. A spike of nerves ran through his body. Okay, he wanted to kiss Felix, but that didn’t mean he actually expected it. He chuckled. “Who will it be, Lix?”

“I think I’ll give you two some space,” Chan said, scooting over so he could sit next to Jeongin.

“Oh—” Realization dawned on Jisung. Unprepared. He was unprepared. “You want to… want to make out with me?”

“Well,” Almost in self-defense, he said, “Want is a big word. If it wasn’t for Minho, I wouldn’t’ve—”

“This is taking too long, I’m getting a drink.” Seungmin stood up with his cup, shoving Felix as he passed by them. Jisung couldn’t even comprehend Felix’s somewhat hurtful words before said man actually fell forward… onto him. And suddenly Felix was hovering above him, only a few inches away, trapping him between his body and the floor, and… fuck. Jisung swallowed. He looked good like that. His lips looked so soft—

And then Felix leaned in, and briefly brushed their lips together, and Jisung was pretty sure he’d ascended to a higher plane of existence. He stared at Felix as he pulled away again, eyes wide and probably blown out. Felix’s lips were indeed very soft, he decided. If he had been thinking straight, he would’ve probably asked for a closer examination. For science, or something, but Felix was still looking at him so intensely, lips parted and eyes raking across Jisung’s face. 

“Was that supposed to be a kiss?” Seungmin teased. Felix looked away from Jisung, immediately pulling him from his trance. Now that he was no longer hovering over him, Jisung could finally clear his mind. “C’mon guys, three minutes aren’t that short!”

“Yeah, Lix. You just gonna leave me hanging?” he asked, more confident than he felt in the moment. He lifted a hand to Felix’s neck and gently teased along the hairline there. And shit, he got what he wanted, because Felix dove down again and captured Jisung’s lips in a kiss that was way more intense than the previous one. Jisung gripped Felix’s neck tighter and kissed back. There was a hint of pizza among all the intense things Jisung was feeling at the moment. (Pineapple? He was pretty sure Felix had just eaten pineapple pizza.) It was fucking addicting, and he never wanted to stop kissing him like that. At a certain point, Felix’s elbows buckled, and his thigh brushed against Jisung’s as he dropped closer to the floor. Jisung sat up, effectively pressing their chests together and having Felix sit in his lap. (The dream—oh boy, the fucking dream—)

Felix’s hands travelled up his arms and shoulders until they reached his hair. Jisung nearly had to remind himself that there were others in the room (probably watching them) because he’d lose control if he wasn’t careful. He bit down gently on Felix’s lip, earning a particularly harsh tug at the roots of his hair that made him chuckle.

“Three minutes are up,” Chan yelled at some point. “But you two can get a room and continue if you want to!”

Jisung ended the kiss, startled by Chan’s voice. He laughed, feeling Felix press his forehead against his shoulder. He felt all warm inside. Fuck, he’d fallen deeper than he’d thought. But he was okay. He liked the feeling of love that consumed his entire being.

“Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?” he joked, punching Felix in the shoulder. “Whoever ends up with you is gonna have a good time.” (He hoped it was going to be him—of course he did, but he didn’t say that.)

“Says you,” Minho said with a wink. Oh fuck. Of course Minho saw right through him. After all, he was the only person that actually knew how much he liked Felix (and how badly he’d fucked up that day at the ice rink). Jisung collected himself and winked back. He had to keep up this façade just for a tiny bit longer. Just until he gathered the courage to tell Felix the truth—though, realistically, it was more likely that Minho would just snap one day and spit out the entire story. Either way, it was not something for tonight.

“You gotta continue the game, Felix-hyung,” Jeongin said, “before Jisung and Minho end up making out as well.”


	38. ONESHOT 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scene before and after Minsung and Felix’s fight (Chapter 23)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was on the verge of tears while writing this
> 
> enjoy.

Scene before and after Minsung and Felix’s fight (Chapter 22/23)

“I’m sorry,” Changbin said, the movie they were watching long forgotten, “You did what?”

“He was about to tell Felix he liked him but I walked in on them and then he panicked so later when Felix guessed that he liked me he said yes.” Minho pushed his hair back. “And then when I asked him the next day if he’d confessed, he just blurted out ‘I told him I like you’ so I say ‘but you don’t’ and he goes ‘yeah, I don’t, that’s the problem: Felix thinks I like you but I don’t’ and now we’re here. That sums it up.”

Jisung groaned. He buried his face in Hyunjin’s shoulder to avoid the others being able to see the blush rising on his cheeks. Yeah, Minho had summed it up perfectly. His brain was still running in circles around the way Felix had sounded earlier when he’d told Jisung to seduce Minho. Fragile, that was the only way to describe it. Sure, at first it had been more angry, but Jisung knew him well enough to see through that stupid layer and understand what was really going on. (Well… he didn’t understand what was really going on, but he knew Felix wasn’t doing okay, and that was all that really mattered.)

“That’s such a Jisung thing to do,” Hyunjin commented, lightly patting his hair. “Our clumsy little baby.”

“We’re born in the same year,” Jisung mumbled into his shirt. “Stop calling me your little baby.”

“I mean you clearly can’t deal with being left unsupervised,” Changbin joked. Jisung pulled away from Hyunjin’s shoulder and shot a glare at him. 

“Says the person who got hit by a fucking car in his first year.”

“No, Sungie has a point on that one,” Minho said, “and Changbin wasn’t even unsupervised. I was with him. There’s one of us who very clearly takes the crown for doing stupid shit in his first year, and it’s surprisingly not Jisung.”

“First year isn’t over yet,” Hyunjin reminded them. “Plenty of time to fuck shit up.”

“Don’t give him ideas now.” Changbin snorted, sending at least half of them into laughing fits.

Suddenly, a knock sounded on the door. Jisung perked up instantly. So Felix had decided to come. It made that feeling of adoration well up in his chest all over again, filling him with that fluttery feeling that comes with loving someone. Hyunjin on the other hand was startled by the sound, nearly launching himself off the couch and onto the floor, making all of them laugh again. He whined in protest and settled inbetween Changbin’s knees instead of on them. Minho was the first to jump up, racing over to the door.

“Hi Felix!” Minho said. “Come in! Jisung told me you were coming over.”

“Hi Lixie!” Jisung yelled from where he was sat. Hopefully, maybe, he could cheer Felix up a bit. Felix walked into the living room, hands buried in his sweatpants. He looked ruffled and tired, with droopy eyelids. Cute.

“We were watching a movie, Changbin said. “You wanna join?”

“Sure,” Felix said. A genius idea popped up in Jisung’s head. Felix liked cuddles when he was tired, right? He sat up properly and patted his lap. Felix looked at him in confusion for a few seconds, until his shoulders sagged and the slight smile was wiped off his face. Oh…

“You want me to sit in your fucking lap?”

Oh… Felix was definitely in a bad mood. Jisung sunk in on himself, stilling his hands on his thighs. “You don’t want to?”

“Ask Minho instead,” Felix murmured, and went to sit down next to Changbin, at the far end of the couch. A wave of sadness and disappointment came over Jisung. He let out a little ‘oof’ when Minho plonked down in his lap instead of Felix. 

“Are you angry at me?” Jisung asked, hooking his chin over Minho’s shoulder. “Did I do something wrong? Oh, I should’ve waited for you earlier, right? I’m so sorry, I didn’t think you’d ac—” 

“It’s okay.” Felix’s voice was grave, his answer curt and somehow like a punch to Jisung’s gut. “I’m not mad. Just tired.”

“You don’t want cuddles then? You always used to want hugs when you were tired…” Jisung trailed off, realizing that his physical affection had already been rejected once, and probably wouldn’t be appreciated a second time. He was right.

“I bet you’d rather have Minho’s hugs. In your lap must be even better, huh? Don’t mind me, I’ll just be very obviously not okay while you get it on.”

“What—” Jisung’s voice broke. Had Felix forgotten that he originally wanted him in his lap? Was he not even paying attention to Jisung’s efforts to cheer him up?

“Shut the fuck up.” Minho got off Jisung’s lap and straightened himself out. “Just fucking leave if you’re going to be rude. Or at least leave Jisung the fuck alone. Nobody wants your negativity. I don’t care that you’re friends or whatever, you are not hurting Jisung on my watch. You have no fucking clue what—”

“Just like I thought.” Felix sounded like he was about to cry. “Of course. Why would anyone want me to be here? I’ll just leave, okay?”

“Maybe you should,” Changbin interfered. “Jisung doesn’t deserve this. You can come back when you’ve regained your sanity. And don’t bother knocking on the door unless you’re explicitly invited.”

“Oh I won’t,” Felix said. He stood up and left, head turned downward and feet dragging across the floor.

It was only when the door slammed shut that any of them moved again. Minho’s posture sagged ever so slightly, and he announced weakly that he’d be making himself a tea. Hyunjin got up from the floor and basically threw himself onto Jisung (who was still sitting there paralyzed), wrapping his arms around him tightly and dragging him down against the back rest of the couch. Changbin just inhaled deeply and turned off the television. 

Jisung felt Hyunjin’s shuddering breath against his collarbone, and it nearly sent his own tears falling. What did it in the end, was Minho sitting down next to him with his tea and saying, “It’ll be okay. It’s all going to be okay.”

So he cried, he cried and cried over the way Felix had rejected him, and he was so close to deciding to just leave his crush on Felix and hoping that it’d simmer down on its own. He sobbed into Hyunjin’s embrace (who was a sympathy crier, so they both leaned on each other), and begged them underneath his breath to let him stay for the night. 

And if he did fall asleep on Minho’s chest that night, regardless of the empty bed that was there because Changbin and Hyunjin slept in the same bed, it wasn’t anything that would ever leave that dorm. If he did let Minho play with his hair as he tried to catch his breath after crying so hard for so long, it wasn’t really anyone’s business. And nobody would ever know that he secretly hoped, secretly imagined, that it was Felix’s chest he fell asleep on. Felix’s heartbeat that was steadily thumping away underneath his ear, instead of Minho’s. It was his own little secret, something that lived in a safe little nook of his mind, that imagination, driven by yearning, that just wouldn’t stop running back to Felix, regardless of anything really.


End file.
